Archive for the 'The Future' Category

My Thanksgiving.

Published on November 19, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life and The Future. 2 Comments

I plan on celebrating this holiday in as true a manner befitting those Puritans who gave it it’s name and began the idea that is America. But I don’t want to stop at just that day. I want to celebrate what it represents, what it meant, and where it led us as a nation in a time we think of as our glorious past.

To this end the festivities will start on Thanksgiving when I will be hunting down Native Americans and killing them and their families with all manner of weapons ranging from muskets to pox riddled blankets I’ll drop off in their conveniently always needy communities.

On Friday I’ll leer at some pretty young white women and when they show no interest I’ll accuse them of being witches and sorcerers and get my fellow participants to put them on trial, tie them to stakes, and burn them.

But the celebrating of our rich history that started with that merry band of repressed psychotics doesn’t end there. On Saturday I will plant a tobacco field in my backyard where I’ll force local Kingston black men and boys to work it at gunpoint. They will also be kept shackled to each other and guarded by others for long periods so I can have a go at their women folk who won’t be as resistive as the witches who we burned all that entitlement and haughtiness manifest in not having sex with me, right out of.

So after we fornicate with the slaves wives and daughters they will be impregnated (these are all ritual acts of course-like a parade) and on Sunday I will club the newborn ritual infants with bibles until they cower in fear at the book which I will then have read to them everyday by their parents as both learn to accept this lifestyle and oppression and sublimate their hope and need for freedom and self worth into a made up invisible world they can go to if they continue to act real meek and generally accept their material and Earthly lot.

What a weekend that will be I tell you.

On Monday, upon hearing that some of those blacks are starting to get uppity and are even forming alliances with some of the poorer and less fortunate local whites, I will get the whites of my stature together to drum up reasons to overthrow the government in a bloody revolution that will redirect the slaves and poor whites energies and hatred away from me and my kind. It will also conveniently kill many of them.

It will also make me more money as I won’t have to pay taxes and tithes on goods or to answer to anyone when it comes to making laws that do right by me. Of course I will say I hadn’t thought of that.

Really I hadn’t.

It’s just these damn British-Neoconservatives-Terorists, get me so mad I can notteth think straighteth!!

On Tuesday north and south Kingston will war over that whole slave issue. I will take the Northern abolitionist side despite my having owned slaves and profited from them. The Front St/Wall St area will be burned to the ground during this ceremony. I’m hoping serendipity will be on our side and the president will happen to get assassinated this week as well.

I will complete the week by moving west across my backyard setting up claims on holes there and quickly moving on after each spots resources have been exhausted. I will scam many people on fake claims in the process and just generally take advantage of the lawlessness and naivete this expansion and hope will breed in people desperate enough to want to spend their holidays in my backyard because they’re so fucked up. Due to this, rules and law will be made up a we go, always coming after I have gained as much power and wealth from the prior lawlessness as possible.

So there it is. Anyone who wants to celebrate a real American Thanksgiving with me is welcome to join in on the fun (African Americans will have no choice of course).

Wait till you see what I have planned for Christmas!

Like A Motherfucker!

Published on October 24, 2007 in ..The Dude, Literature, Technology and The Future. 1 Comment

I want to talk about a word. A compound word I guess a truly literate savant might call it. It’s become a much used piece of slang and profanity. Slanganity. It marks an evolution of the classic “fuck,” which was flexible and universal in it’s applicability and appeal. It too functions as verb, noun, or adverb and can be used in positive or negative modes to convey so many ranges of emotion.

And yet it doesn’t make sense.

The word is motherfucker.

Despite not making sense I still use it constantly now as if it does. Because it feels right. It’s irrationality only seems to make it more appropriate. And truthful. Like love.

Like a motherfucker.

That’s how it’s usually used. As a simile. “He hit that ball like a motherfucker.” “I’m gonna hit that ass like a motherfucker.” We gonna do this diner like a motherfucker.”

You see how crazy it is.

It’s more than a word though. It’s an idea. It’s the new fuck as far as I’m concerned. A catchall expression for our times. But what is it that makes me love and use this expression so much? I mean I use it everywhere and all the time. It has become the universal analogy. Like a motherfucker. “That song rocks like a motherfucker.”

It can be bad too.

That’s some motherfucking bullshit right there.

The Mets choked like some big old motherfuckers.

But how many of us really know any motherfuckers?

Or what one is really like?

One who fucks their mother would seem to not be something so worthy of comparison. Someone that so many cool things can be paralleled to. And yet motherfucker has become the analogy of coolness to many. Not just myself. What does this say? What does it mean?

It’s stupid like a motherfucker.

You see sometimes it does make sense!

Fucking your mother would be stupid. So being stupid like one is right on target. It hits the spot.

Hits it like a motherfucker.

See?

Now it doesn’t make sense again.

I use this term in some form or other quite regularly now. At work, at home, in my car. Especially at work. I do those time sheets like a motherfucker. I watch as the cats attack that bird like motherfuckers. I return e mails to motherfuckers though I still use their legal names. I make a meat sauce fettucine like a motherfucker. We get in and out of Home Depot like a motherfucker.

And yet I have no idea if a man who fucks his mother makes a good meat sauce for his fettucine.

Or a woman for that matter, though I’m not quite sure it can be faithfully dubbed motherfucking when a mother and daughter try and do it.

Do male or female fuckers of their mothers do paperwork like I do it?

Do they rock like the Jerry Cantrelle solo album I discovered this past Summer rocks? Because it rocks like a motherfucker as I’ve noted on quite few occasions.

It’s all some motherfucking crazy ass bullshit.

But I got to go. The Red sox are finished beating the Rockies limp asses like a motherfucker and I want to watch Pushing Daisies. THat show kicks TV ass like a motherfucker it does.

Like a motherfucker.

That’s all I’m going to say about this for now.

Death In 2007

Published on March 19, 2007 in ..The Dude and The Future. 0 Comments

[image:233:l] With my summation of 2006 in obituary form proving so damn popular, with it, dare I say, becoming a national treasure, I’m expanding the concept to include those most likely to die in 07 as well another for those who should die in 07. This latter part, and the first below, is a slight though related distinction from the Dead To Me post which brought us all together in irrational hate as a nation last year. On with the Fatwa. *

Bill Parcells. This guy is so full of himself and the media so worshipful even though the guy hasn’t won anything since he left the Giants in 91. He goes from team to team signing long contracts and bails on everyone of them when things get tough and it becomes apparent he’s not going to get his way or win a championship. How about some honor Bill and sticking with a contract? His latest victim is the Dallas Cowboys. I’m glad to see him go because there was always something wrong about him being there. He was a great N.Y. Giants coach who grew up in Jersey. He bled Big Blue. And then he gets all fluttery about the opportunity to coach the archrival Cowboys. He’s as mercenary as Terrel Owens who he couldn’t handle this year or any of the Yankees roster. The guy even named a daughter Dallas. This confuses me and upsets universal balance. It’s time to go Bill. You’ve been dead to me for a while. Now I’m calling for a national effort to make it real.

Celebrity romance. Death to all hybrids!. Brangelina and the rest must go before they eat our brains!

Woody Allen. It might be the only way to stop him from making the same films over and over again. Or molesting Scarlett Johanson.

Tony Snow. He’s the White House Press Secretary. He also once worked for Faux News. Coincidence?

I think not. This arrogant prick continues to stand there blowing bullshit and unctuous repudiations of hard questions or issues with nothing but attitude and smarmy contempt to offer. In other words he’s the perfect spokesman for this White House and one of Kindasleezy Rice’s “guys,” that she “loves,” from Faux News. Mikes picked her up saying that recently. He’s the perfect symbol for these guys and since Cheney can’t be killed and he’s presumably put a protective spell upon Bush as well, I’ll take Snow’s dessicated and mutilated corpse as symbolic sacrifice.

Jack Nicholson. His playing the same character all the time has gotten so old I think it has to die and take him with it. At least the slavish Academy didn’t fall for it again this year and give him the nomination for The Departed everyone thought he’d get. That sly, slightly on edge, wryly conspicuous, archly manic character needs to go and since he won’t play anyone else he knows to go with it. And with him gone there’s a young actress or two who won’t be molested by this old man. These girls would probably sooner sleep with Dick Cheney than with Jack. But they give in to the pressure of his ego and the Hollywood establishment who who worship celebrity so much it creates a miasma that obscures the fact that they’re frakking a dirty old man.

So for Natalie Portman, Christina Ricci, Keira Knightley or whoever the next young victim to have have her self ruined by Jack was going to be, I implore Killer Jesus to make his killing magic.

Wolf Blitzer. He spent most of his show the other day talking about Anna Nicole Smith. He was not alone. But he’s on bloody CNN! He’s not Geraldo. He’s somewhat serious. Lou Dobbs even bitch slapped him and the rest of the media when Wolfie threw it to him for his tease and Lou said starting at the top of the hour there would be no news about Anna Nicole Smith. Then he threw it back to Blitzer who was standing in front of a screen plastered with her pictures and promising more Anna Nicole Smith news. Wolfie has been walking the line but this is too much. He’s not credible anymore. His cred is dead. His body must soon join in order to restore balance to the force of the news.

Lindsay Lohan. What does she want from us Peter Griffin? I’ll tell you. She wants to open the way to another dimension where more of her kind can come to feast on our souls. She must be stopped before the unsupportable disproportion between her celebrity and her talent cause a rift in space/time.

Evangeline Lilly’s career. She has stated she hates attention so i think I’m doing her a favor here. She says she’ll quit the biz soon and would act forever if she could do the acting and make the money and not have to deal with fans and attention. This is a curious feeling for someone who does so many magazine covers and got into acting to begin with. Apparently she’s one of those who digs doing stage work to echoing empty auditoriums. And plus I hear she’s marrying Dominac Monoghan who plays Charlie on the show. This means yet another hybrid will be formed or is already growing, slouching towards us with grasping claws. So she must die before the thing that might be called Domaline Lilligan is born and joins the others under its master in evil, Dick Cheney.

Michael Crichton. This idiot wrote a book making all the worlds scientists who are in near universal agreement regarding global warming and the effects of human practice on climate and environment seem like part of a liberal conspiracy to make money off the issue. Perhaps not coincidentally he’s been seen hanging out with certain Republicans. He’s either too stupid to live at this point or has made a decision to completely sell his soul. I never liked his writing to begin with. Jurassic Park was devoid of drama, charm, or depth until Spielberg gave it a little. Now he’s not only a hack who writes movie scripts in novel format like John Grisham and Dan Brown but he’s also trying to destroy the planet.

Dan Haggard and Tim Ralph. Haggard is the evangelical dude, President of the National Association of Evangelicals, who got busted with a male hooker he’d been hooked up with for a while during years of preaching against the evil of homosexuality. Of course he went the disease route leading him to 3 weeks of therapy led by Ralph. After the 3 weeks were up Ralph announced Haggard has been cured of homosexuality. I think Ralph reached this conclusion after 3 weeks of constantly buggering each other tired Haggard out and he couldn’t perform any longer. Kind of using the method Stephen Colbert advocated for Haggard comparing it to when your dad caught you smoking and made you smoke a whole pack in a row. If Haggard can’t admit that the penis is his real lord and master he will never know peace so it’s best for him and his family if he shuffles off the mortal coil instead of being a slave to it.

Geraldo Rivera. For so much over so many years. Why does he still live? His entire existence stands as disproof of God’s and yet it is Jesus’s network that employs him. During the Anna Nicole coverage this guy who really thinks he’s a journalist actually accused some guy of killing her. On national tv with no evidence. He’s been a joke a long time, died to me many years ago; it’s time he died to us all.

Barack Blowback. There are African American’s speaking out against Obama’s lack of real black street cred. Or at least African-American cred. This is partly due to his father’s Kenyan heritage and his privileged background. Though they don’t say it I suspect the white mom thing is part of it too. This is stupid. They’re finally getting a shot at a black President and they want to deny him? Like off whites did to Jesus? Do not they see their folly dear father?

He looks black to me. Don’t get picky. Ludicrous is not ever going to be President. Snoop? Uh-uh. Even Denzel has no shot. I’m a bit on the fence as to whether these people and their movement, if you can call it that, should die because maybe it will actually get Obama some white votes. You could even get some racists thinking “hmmmm, uppity black troublemakers are complaining about Obama so maybe he’s not that black after all. And I hate them uppity whining darkies. That Obama must be ok.”

Of course there is the black vote I’m worrying about. And either way you cut it the guy qualifies as black and complaining about the roots of that heritage is a bit, well, racist.

Alberto Gonzalez. He’s been a key factor in the Patriot Act and its misuse, the firing of federal prosecutors not cooperative with the Bush agenda, and many more scandals including Abu Ghraib. OF course he’s no Dick Cheney but since Cheney is immortal due to his unholy allegiance his subordinates must continue to fall.

Technical innovations. We need to put a stop to them for a while. Just until I can catch up.

Chain E Mails: You know those things that start off with some nice glowing warm feelings about humans, stuff like lists of the things that make a friend or how wonderful love is. Then they close by telling you to forward it to 20 people in an hour and you’ll get laid, win a million dollars, never die or some such shit. Sometimes the vibe of love suddenly drops and they even threaten you if you don’t pass on the e mail.

These things need to die. I’m being real restrained and loving myself by not suggesting that the people who send these manipulative paeans to superstition and conformity should die with them.
If you really loved me you wouldn’t make me be as irrational as you. If you even liked me you’d know I don’t respond well to being told what to do. So what does this say about how genuine someone else’s thoughts you’re passing on as your own really are? But I love you anyway and forgive you.

Pass it on.

And now I reach into Karnac’s envelope for actual likely real deaths in 07.

Fidel Castro. After decades of surviving exploding cigars,, poisoned toothbrushes and other such Maxwell Smart-ish attempts of the CIA to take him out, time and age will conduct that inevitable regime change we’ll all have to face.

George Steinbrenner. The Yankees have been dying for 6 years as their payroll has escalated. Controversy has already hit just days into camp with more Arod troubles. The team has the stench of death about it and to survive the Baseball gods will take their owner and most constant symbol of the past 30 years. George isn’t a bad guy. Just contributed to funerals for all the families who lost people in recent Bronx building fire. But I gotta call em as I sees em. And George: You’re outta here!

Chuck Berry. If he’s not dead already he will be in 2007.

Paris Hilton. This is probably the safest bet on the list. She gets a slight edge over Brittney Spears.

Senator Robert Byrd. Just a feeling. It’s too much to hope for Cheney or his puppet. If Cheney were mortal I’d gamble on his heart giving under the strain of more revelations. Unfortunately for us, he has walked amongst us since time immemorial and will slouch onward towards Bethlehem for ages to come.

Helen Thomas. She lost her front seat in the White House press room because Cheney wants to take her will to live. This may have been all she had at this point and if she dies soon it’s more blood on Vice President Palpatine’s already blood soaked hands.

James Cameron. If reports of his documentary and it’s implications are true Christians will not only not believe but there is a possibility they will kill cameron in the name of their messiah of peace of love. The Salmon Rushdie of American Christianity is born and the faithful will unborn him like an abortion doctor with a drive through clinic in the bible belt.

Jack Nicholson. I can hope can’t I.

Alberto Gonzales Attorney General career. He got the big promotion due to his subservience to the administration and past cooperation instituting their draconian measures. Though I called for his life above it may yet be spared in 2007. But the attorney Gen gig with him in the title position will be as dead as the Secretary of Defense gig to Donald Rumsfeld.

Ed Koch. I just think he’s due. He’s real old now and I just read some stuff about the 77 Mayoral race and some follow up stuff about the guys reign and he’s no Mario Cuomo. I didn’t even realize Koch beat Cuomo in the 77 runoff until I read this book about that year in NYC. That is my fault and no reason for Koch to die. But Koch was not the better man. He was a better choice than Bella Abzug and Mayor Beame who they both beat out to force the runoff. But Eddie did some selling out to get over the top. Not to mention that he was always an arrogant bastard. I ate Chinese food next to him at 1 a.m. near Ground Zero a few weeks after 9-11. We’ll always have that. But now I think too much has passed and one of us must go. Maybe it will be me. But he’s got the age on me so i’m placing my bet on Ed.

If he’s followed up by Dinkins than Rudy may have something to do with it.

And of course we already have an early exit for Anna Nicole as she goes to that big sugar daddy in the sky. I wouldn’t have called that one anyway. You just never know about these things. She was a great talent and will be sorely missed.

* I really don’t want any of these people to die.