Archive for the 'Television' Category

Page 2 of 4

Is That Journey?

Published on June 11, 2007 in ..The Dude and Television. 0 Comments

The Soprano’s wrapped their run up tonight. There was alot of speculation. Vegas had odds on different outcomes. News programs today were interviewing and speculating. And in the end I was right and it was all about Journey.

Well sort of.

So I didn’t really see anything spectacular happening.

I caught it at work. We raced to get things done so we could watch it. It was a good but not great episode. As for that ending. Well if you cared to read this you probably watch the show and know. And as I’ve seen since coming home and seeing the internet reaction you’re probably disappointed.

People were expecting Meadow to get sacrificed, Tony to go witness protection, A.J. to kill and follow in his fathers footsteps. Vegas was taking odds. News channels talked about the possibilities all day. But did people really think David Chase would ape Goodfellas by going witness pro? Or Godfather I with the idealistic son turning to his fathers life of crime? Or Godfather III with the daughter being sacrificed for the sins of the father? No. He even gave us a guy going into the bathroom to toy with those expectations invoking the famous Michael scene that turned Pacino’s career in the first film. But of course no one would emerge and take out Tony.

I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who wondered what the last song on the show would be. It was always noted for its soundtrack using modern and classic rock music. So I wondered if that Dylan song A.J. had on the car before it burned was it. If so it was great. Great lyrics. i don’t yet know which song it was. But it was halfway through the show and I still
expected a musical note at the end. So as Tony sat in that eatery waiting for his family, going through the menu of the tableside jukebox I was riveted, trying to catch all the songs Tony was perusing. At one point he went past Journey and I said he’s got play the Journey. But then he went to others. i don’t remember what. But when he put the quarter in it was indeed the opening of Don’t Stop Believing.

I don’t remember if we’d ever had previous Soprano’s songs chosen by a character. It’s possible. But I think it’s significant that Tony chooses the final song since he’s sort of letting us into his head at that point.

And from that point on we got that song playing over about 5 amazingly tense minutes of watching his family arrive one by one along with assorted other diners wondering if one was going to take out Tony or his family. Meadow couldn’t park her car. Never has watching someone try to parallel park been so riveting or scary. Journey kept playing. The family arriving and grabbing menus. One of the guys that we and Tony noticed looked over. Another got up, walked towards their table…and proceeded to the bathroom.

They ate onion rings. “Hold on to that feeling.” Meadow scratches another car. Another guy in the diner is focused on. As Meadow finally got her car parked after scratching another vehicle a few black youths proceeded her inside. She runs across the street a wide open target. A speeding SUV never comes close to her.

Millions of viewers were on their seat edges wondering who was the danger. Who was in danger.

And as Meadow approached the door we see Tony’s face, hear the door bell ping right as Steve Perry sang “Don’t stop,” and it all suddenly stops.

The screen goes black. No credits. No sound. People all over the nation freaking because they thought their cable or satellite went out at the worst time ever.

After a moment the credits run to absolute silence. It was indeed over. Just like that.

And now of course many are complaining.

I don’t know what they’ve been watching the past 8 or so years but it was kind of expected that things would be anticlimactic.

And that’s not bad necessarily.

There was something in that ending I don’t think alot of people are getting. There’s alot of speculation now that it was left open ended for our interpretation. Many feel any of those diners were dangers and that just who dies or how is up to our imagination.

I really don’t think people are getting this. I’ve been perusing boards the past hour and no one has touched on what I think Chase was going for there.
(On edit I’ve perused more and there are some people on the same track.)

I could be wrong here but I think it’s kind of obvious.

That tension we all felt for 5 minutes, waiting for something bad to happen, wondering where it was going to come from, being paranoid about our surroundings and seeing things that weren’t there, that edge is the way Tony must live all the time. We’re part of Tony’s perspective once we hear this song choice.

As it always has been the show ends with the family living their somewhat typical American lives. But of course they live it in the midst of a crazy mob world. Tony doesn’t know any of that carefree nonchalance the rest of his family may feel as they gather for a bite. What we felt at the end Tony will go on feeling as he lives this American life (the name of the ep was Made In America). Perpetual paranoia and wondering what’s coming next doesn’t just stop for him as it does for us.

“Don’t stop.”

I even think there is perhaps just a bit of meaning in the use of Journey beyond that line of course. First off the song is a quintissential ode of American life with just a touch of that big hair, guido, trashy Jersey element that the show takes place around. I grew up around something similar in Yonkers. And I love it as well as I love the song. But you gotta admit it’s a bit trashy and a good Jersey type of tune even if the Boss nor Bon Jovi did it. And as I said above the show was always in large part about the process of art and life as well as the everyday life of these people. For them and for the viewers I think to some extent Chase was sending the message “It’s about the journey not the ending or destination.” Who better than Journey to then sing that last song in a long line of Soprano’s soundtrack tunes to usher us out of the show as it’s characters go on and we are left to contemplate the process?

“Oh the movie never ends it goes on and on and on…”

Anyway that’s my take and i’m sticking to it.

Plus they need characters alive to make a movie someday.

No Whimper Here: Lost Concludes.

Published on May 29, 2007 in ..The Dude and Television. 0 Comments

The finale has aired. I saw it Thursday. It was perhaps the most important 2 hours of TV viewing I’ve done in my life. Bob touched on it below but I must affirm that indeed serialized genre shows are on notice. Lost owns you all and may render all others obsolete.

I had to do an overnight Wednesday at 11 so I couldn’t watch it then despite offers from Brandonicus as well as one to join Bob and his lovely young engenue Kerri. But on the way to work it hit me. But I had to decline in order to serve my fellow man. But at least I had widescreen hi def Lost to console me. And if you haven’t seen widescreen hi def Lost well then you haven’t seen Lost.

But on my way to work around 10:30 I had a revelation. I was thinking Lost and suddenly the tumblers clicked into place. I knew what the twist was and I wanted proof out there that I thought of it before 11 and before I watched it at all since most people I knew were aware of the fact that I was working an overnight. So I pulled over to text Bob in order to have a time signature as proof. It made so much sense. It worked on so many levels and I was surprised I hadn’t thought of it sooner considering how well the idea jibed with previous predictions of mine which had at least in part been proven valid.

So what was my amazing intuitive and intellectual breakthrough? What did I want on the record so badly I risked a car accident as I started typing while still driving which more importantly than possibly ending my life would have cost us overtime at work? What would the reveal at the end of Lost be?

Jack was a Dharma Initiative operative all along.

As Charlie would say, “brilliant.”

And totally wrong.

Although it still could work. But I’m kind of glad. I wasn’t to Jack to be what Jack appears to be. Even if what he is could turn him into a pathetic junkie.

But it did make some sense. Jack was sent there by Dharma to marshal a force against the Others after the Purge so DI can reclaim their territory and resume whatever they were doing. It made sense. Dharma and science equals Jack and reason vs Others and quasi mysticism equated with locke. Everything Jack had done on the island so far still made sense in this light as opposed to the idea of him being an Other a few weeks back, which made none. There were no immediate contradictions I could think of. Jack could still be noble and idealistic within this revelation though with a level of calculation and narrowness added.

But of course after watching it Thursday looking for clues to support this idea through his flashbacks I find out otherwise. I was so sure though that I did see clues pertaining to my idea fix I ignored how they suggested either the show was screwing up its continuity again or was taking place in the future/present. I noticed Jack using a cell phone I didn’t think was around in 2004 or before but wondered if a connection to Dharma might get him access to cutting edge technology. I thought drunken and bereft Jack may have been a stage he was saved from by Dharma coming to him with their utopian, science based mission. I thought it would be Naomi emerging from that car at the airport.

A bit after 11 Brandonicus called me at work. He knew he couldn’t say much because I hadn’t seen it but he had to say what he could. I told him my theory and he dutifully had no reaction. He’s one of the few people on the planet I would trust to say something like that to and know they would be on the ball enough to not give off some tell that I could figure out. It is one of my talents to read people in this way. But I still felt like I had nailed it and he was busting to congratulate me on my insight.

But of course the mess of Jack Shephard we saw is post island Jack and the game changer more to do with the format of the show and the way it tells its tale. I don’t really consider this a major plot jolt we were led to believe we would get so on a level it was disappointing. But it still worked and I was also relieved they didn’t do something more silly than invisible Jacob or smoke monsters.

As for it changing the game from a storytelling point of view we’ll have to wait and see if they go in this direction regularly. We don’t know that it will flash-forward all the time but there is an indication it will do so some more. I lean away from the flash-backing to island from a present off island, theory because if Jack was doing that then how’s he seeing Charlie, Sayyid etc?

And oh poor, poor broken Jack. You can kind of see how he could get that way. He’s an obsessive and addictive personality that geared his perhaps hereditary addictive issues into fixing and saving things and people. In the future he has no where to go with this and when you combine that with guilt and angst issues that his on island actions in the finale may create with whatever we may find out in the next 48 episodes, you get a guy channeling those qualities more in his fathers direction with drugs and alcohol.

Perhaps his split with Kate is over her knowing that it was that obsessiveness and narrow minded focus that enabled him to cross a line when he allowed Sayyid, Bernard, and Jin to die for a phone. I think maybe it was there that Jack’s recent change in attitude noted by other Losties flipped to a whole other level of pathological blindness. He compromised on that damn button but he couldn’t on the lives of those 3 people? I love Jack and what he represents and I can understand him but you got to give up the phone there and hope to find another way off the island. I think everyone would understand even though there is good reason to believe Ben would kill them anyway because Ben’s way with the truth may make him a Fox News hire if he ever looks for work off island.

And who was in the coffin many are asking?

My first guess was Locke. I quickly moved to Ben.

Then i froze the screen on the newspaper blurb and decided it was no one we know. Perhaps one of the 40 odd Losties. Another failed re-acclimation to post island life Jack blames himself for? Apparently there have been more comprehensive screen captures and the paper said something along the lines of either of those 2 examples:

The body of Jeremy Bentham of
New York was found shortly after 4
a.m. in the ___ block of Grand
Avenue.

_d ____, a doorman at The
Towers (luxury apartments?), heard loud
noises coming from Bentham’s loft.
Concerned for Bentham’s safety, he
opened the door and discovered the
body hanging from a beam in the
living room.

And another:

“The body of John Lantham of New York was found shortly after 4 am in the
4300 block of Grand Avenue.

Ted Worden, a doorman at the Tower Lofts complex, heard loud noises coming
from the victim’s loft.

Concerned for tenants’ safety, he entered the loft and found the body
hanging from a beam in the living room.

According to Jaime Ortiz, a police spokesman, the incident was deemed a
suicide after medical tests. Latham (sic) is survived by one teenaged son.

Memorial services will be held at the Hoffs-Drawlar Funeral Home tomorrow
evening.”

If this means anything and it’s someone we know it points to Michael. Teenage son. From N.Y. Funeral home in black area (although if he was living in luxury apt in L.A. and from NYC why be shown at inner city parlor?) I guess it’s possible he changed his name for some reason but then how do they know about Walt?

But I tend to think either they screwed up bad with a meaningless prop or more likely we’ve yet to meet Jeremy Bentham and perhaps never really need to if he’s one of the many background players.

I even got to thinking about Jack playing Nirvana’s In Utero on his way to the funeral home. He was listening to Scentless Apprentice a very unfriendly radio song not likely to be playing on the air. Most likely Jack made a conscious decision to play the 15 or so year old album. Part of it could be Jack on a downward spiral nostalgia kick. I can see him being a grunge fan while in college and med school back in the 90′s and now indulging in the angst and despair in the music once again. Solace in the familiar recall to better times and an appropriate soundtrack to his despair. The album is kind of dark and depressing.

Also Kurt Cobain killed himself just as Jack tried to do and the person he was going to see apparently did. But the album has a lot of fertility imagery both in lyrics and art work. Lots of abortion, semen, parasite stuff which kind of connects with some island themes. And its a symbol of lost hope. I think alot of people are like me and when they hear that album have a bittersweet feeling of something that was a new beginning but also an abrupt end. So maybe that’s why they used it because at that point maybe Jack’s feeling that way about the island.

And then we have Charlie.

I knew it was most likely coming and I didn’t want to see it happpen. But Charlie died a good death. So good a death that I wouldn’t want to undo it. It’s like he reached a pinnacle of coolness and Charlie-ness that could go nowhere else. His Charlie-ness was doomed to explode. He exploded so cooly it hurt me to watch. But it hurt so good, made me want Charlie back so much, that I wouldn’t undo it because the indelibility of the emotion, the imprint of the scene and its meaning, are forged too deeply and full of so much meaning.

And hey he’s not a real person.

I don’t like the forces of pre-determinism winning out over those of free will with all this future sight/destiny stuff. But Lost offers enough that I just have to accept they’re also throwing bones to mysticists, religious, and in this case Calvinists and Mormons.

And it was awesome that we got to see my fair Penelope. And so did Desmond. When she heard Charlie call him I cheered. One of a few cheers during the show along with Hurley and the van, the reveal of the fake gunshots (even though you kind of knew, but I was glad I didn’t have to wait until February to find out for sure), “This is for taking the kid off the raft,” and Rose saying, “If you say live together or die alone I’m going to punch you in your face,” Jack listening to In Utero, and Walt.

But as I said a year ago it’s all about Penny and Des for me. Sure that’s an exaggeration. But I must see them reunited. And for a second they sort of were. At least they knew they were there. She looking and he on an island waiting to be found. And when you have enough money you can find anyone.

And I just really like her face.

And accent.

Also on that paper clipping. It said Man Found Dead. Rather anonymous for a returned castaway don’t you think? Even more so if many are dying. Which could still mean a name change but why this person and not Jack?

And why isn’t Kate in jail? Also a new identity deal of some sort? We’re the public told only certain castaways survived? If so what are they others including Latham covering up or escaping from and why would authorities find whatever Kate knew or did worthy of dismissing a murder charge?

Could some kind of island alternate reality-time changing aspect explain both these things? And can JAck’s future be altered or is the flash-forward as immutable as the flash-back? And in light of Desmond’s second to last one is even the flash-back immutable?

There’s alot more to say but I’ve wasted enough space for the moment. We have until February to ponder more. I may have to buy the first 2 seasons and the 3rd when it comes out later in order to revisit and stay acclimated in the Lost world. Watch 1 or 2 a week until February. And extras. That’s how I feel after the past couple of months and this finale.

Although I still want to know what the hell smoky is and the significance of the numbers before May 2010.

Heroes And 24 End With A Whimper And Not A Bang.

Published on May 23, 2007 in ..The Dude and Television. 0 Comments

Doesn’t mean they weren’t good finales. In the case of Heroes it was the end itself, both of them, that left something to be desired. Particularly the culminating battle which was a let down of heroic proportions. It’s solution had been telegraphed for months. It’s bad-assery hinted at. But in the end we got a watered down version of what should have been.

And in 24′s case we got a good 2 episodes but not the rumored mystery ending. We faded to black on a haggard Jack contemplating past, present, and future and the deeper meanings of the silent countdown. That’s not necessarily bad. But for those looking for a startling surprise character not seen in a long time pulling up in a car and telling Jack to get in because they need to talk as was heavily rumored, they got introspective Jack on the brink of Dawn instead.

But neither show gave people as much as what they expected.

On Heroes:
Comic book school 101, maybe even Drama 101 should teach writers that when you hype up and tease people regarding a showdown between characters this showdown should be somewhat epic and hard fought. Instead we got months of foreshadowing and glimpses of the ass-kicking potential of a Sylar-Jedi Peter showdown and when it happens Peter throws 2-3 mortal punches and then goes nuke.

That class should also tell prospective writers that when a characters power and indestructibility has been played up and viewed from early on then defeating him must be a little harder than an unguarded and open run sword through the gut.

This episode has Shaft in it goddamn it!

Hiro should have brought Simone’s dad back from the past and wheeled him out into Kirby Plaza where he would have done all kinds of schooling on Syler.

And deflowered Claire and tamed Nikki/Jessica in between dustups.

Can you dig it?

John Shaft.

But no.

Parkman getting the bullets in the chest was cool but other than that it was kind of anticlimactic. I even wanted Nikki to get into the act. But no, Peter waves her off and is all, “No sexy freak lipped blonde I may date in 5 years, I can defeat him with my exceptional powers of angst. I will hurl existential bombs of mopiness at him and thereby cause him to want to kill himself.”

“I’ve got this.”

And why couldn’t Peter fly away and explode in space by himself?

Can Peter only channel one power at a time? Is that why he can’t fly off without Nathan’s help?

And did Nikki’s Hulk explosive anger disorder issues transform to Peter? If not why? If they did it would explain why he couldn’t control the radioactive meltdown. But then it would mean he was using 2 powers at the same time wouldn’t it? So why not 3 and fly?

Am I off here or am I the only one getting that?

And in the future episode all the characters at the plaza were alive except DL. How is that possible if the nuke had gone off as it would have whether they were there or not?

And how would shooting him from the angle Claire had have stopped him with his immortal self- healing cheerleading powers? Couldn’t he have just bent over and let them slip something sharp into that base of the skull area until he calmed and the threat was over and then pulled it out later in a safer area?

But back to the fight.

How hard is it to see the obvious death of Syler needed to come from Hiro teleporting right up to Syler with sword already impaled as he appears? It would have shown Hiro’s new mastery and explained how someone of Syler’s powers could be gotten to. And this should have come after Syler has been weakened by a kick ass knock down drag out Jedi master or Neo vs Smith type battle.

Seems like a no brainer.

And then we get Hiro in ancient Japan.

I liked getting that first glimpse of Volume 2. It’s called Generations and hints at that super power family dynasty thing I’m all excited about. But once you go there I need something bigger than an eclipse to send us off into the Heroless Summer.

I mean wow man they had eclipses in the 17th century.

I know there was more going on there with the sword and perhaps an origin story involving Hiro and Kensei. But Hiro can just teleport right on out of there now. So what’s the big whoop?

Hopefully Molly’s worse than bogeyman guy she can’t track will turn out to be foreshadowing some new big bad that will get his comuppence in more dramatic and satisfying fashion than poor Syler who only really wanted to make snow globes fly for his mommy.

On 24:
If you forget some of the lamer elements of the season the past few episodes were pretty good. We even got Buchanan and Jack in the field for the first time. And Boy Kim wasn’t really too pathetic. Hell he even shot his gwampa. And Doyle got blinded and Chloe is knocked up.

These are mostly good things.

But they pale in comparison to the awesomeness of Jack taking stock of all around him. The cipher for this was Audrey’s dad and former Sec of Defense Heller. But when Jack was going all, “I don’t listen to you anymore, you left me to rot in China, I’m only good for killing to you people and I do that really well,” he was talking about the country. The system. Even his own patriotism. They’re all dead to Jack now just like he said his own father was long before he left him to die on the oil rig.

Jack feels nothing.

Jack believes in nothing anymore.

There is only Jack.

And the sack.

As for the lack of surprise long since unseen character showing up at the end there really is no one that would have made much sense. Sure we all long for Soulpatch. But it would have been a stretch.

Naked Mandy?

Come on.

David Palmer?

24 is just not that type of show. For all it’s leaps of reality it doesn’t do characters back from the dead. And he’s still on that lousy CBS show.

Here’s what I was hoping for.

I wanted the Hoody to pull up in a porsche and say, “Get in Jack, we need to talk?” That would have been better than Kim or even Tony. Tony would have been too much of a stretch. The Hoody is magic. Nothing is beyond it’s capability.

Perhaps the Hoody speaking would have demystified it too much. So maybe the hood part of said Hoody could have turned towards Jack from behind the wheel and a moment later it could be Jack heard saying, “What’s that Hoody? We have to talk?”

That’s some must see TV right there let me tell you.

But I was ok with Jack and the ocean. Jack reborn at dawn after emerging from the sea. It’s all good stuff. Supposedly they are going to reboot the show next year and go in different directions. I called the need for that 2 years ago. But I guess sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to get it done. Not that the show was all that bad this year. But the format is played out and there’s no way to keep turning the kaleidoscope without people of getting tired of seeing what basically amounts to the same old thing over and over.

And the final 10 minutes were a nice segue into that if they do it right.

My dream has always been 24 in NYC. Don’t know if that will be part of the change though there is some talk about getting out of L.A. Jack and Manhattan cab drivers. Jack wouldn’t know who to torture first.

There may a whole new cast joining Kiefer next year as well. I have a feeling we may not even get Chloe back. I’d like to see her return. And I’d even be ok with Doyle. Blind field agent Doyle could open up doors for all kinds of mishaps and hijinks.

And you know what?

Bob may kill me for this.

I like Doyle.

There.

I said it.

That reminds me.

When the hell did he and Nadia form such a deep connection?

Did this happen during off screen bathroom breaks?

Were they trading hot text messages all night long?

And what the hell is up with Milo’s brother? Is it just me or did he fucking disappear through Milo’s locker?

Seriously he was standing there in what seemed a closed room, Nadia at the door, and after she turns for a moment he’s gone and she looks like she just got transported to a Joss Whedon show.

What the frak was that?

Anyway, 24 and Heroes are gone for a bit. Longer bit for 24 of course. Lost closes up island tomorrow with the anticipated and crazily rumored final supposedly game changing minutes. Hopefully we’ll get more bang for our end of season buck there because right now it’s The Office winning the contest for best finale and culminating moment and it’s supposed to be the dramas doing that.

I Had A Dream.

Published on May 19, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life and Television. 0 Comments

And it was about Lost.

Specifically about the final moments of the finale.

Actually I had a series of vignettes going on as I slept last night/this morning. Different scenarios for the hyped “game changer,” at the end of this weeks episode titled “Through The Looking Glass.” I got to thinking about possible “we’re through the looking glass here people,” moments the title suggests with the artist formerly known as Brandonicus last night. The combination of that, my slavish devotion to that old time religion known as TV, a discussion about how our jobs as managers are far less important to us than Lost, and my complete and utter lack of a sex life all added up to the grand achievement of my life:

Being able to watch TV while sleeping.

Because that’s what it felt. Sort of a combination of watching it and being there.

Meta Hi Def.

Maybe I’m finally achieving my full potential as a human being. Being able to make TV in my brain even when I’m not watching it.

I don’t remember all the possible game changer moments I dreamed but I know there was a few. The one that stands out is the one where The Looking Glass idea figures literally. It’s not just that title but the fact that last week we had Alex and a white rabbit and the hatch schematics seemed to have the logo of a rabbit. All this was making me think of Alice down the rabbit hole and that through the looking glass moment being put out there and what would constitute one.

The one dream I remember goes something like this:

In the final moments of the episode Charlie enters through some kind of portal on The Looking Glass station. When he emerges he is laying beside Claire in a bed shortly revealed to be in England. Aaron is there as well. The two of them are married. Somehow, I don’t remember how, it is revealed that they are no longer on the island and that somehow Desmond’s time trip has contributed to altering the timeline so that Claire and Charlie were never on the plane yet somehow met.

Now i know this isn’t going to happen. It makes no sense. If Desmond altered anything it should have happened already. There is no magic mirror to walk through on the LG station. At least their better not be. It would be ridiculous for everyone on the island to just forget Claire and Charlie were there.

That’s not my point.

My point is I’m dreaming about TV!

I rarely remember my dreams and when i do they’re usually not vivid. Yet I remembered Lost finale dreams and Charlie through the portal was vivid.

I am both excited and concerned with this development in my life.

But I have always thought the time and reality thing was being played with here. There are far too many clues and suggestions for that not to be the case. From Sawyer reading A Wrinkle In Time, the Mittelos anagram, Desmond’s back to the future/delusion episode, and more. So i’m going to say that the game changer has to be some confirmation of the time angle. Will Penny show up 30 years older with more technology Sayyid doesn’t recognize? Will we find out no one but Ben ages on the island? Will past, present, and future collide in some way that shows us they are fluid within the shows mythology and possibly existing as different possibilities? Like Shrodinger’s Island?

Probably none of the above.

It will probably be disappointing whatever it is.

But I’m stoked about it. And I’m hoping to create new series in my sleep as possible mid season replacements for all the networks but Fox.

And CBS. They canceled Jericho which was getting good and was a very realistic look at the good and bad of a post apocalyptic segment of America.

So no dreams for CBS.

ABC doesn’t deserve my dream content what with their whole Disney relationship but they and NBC have some good shows and will give the contents of my dreams the chance Fox and the sci fi channel probably wouldn’t.

I may give HBO a crack too but they’ll have to give me a free subscription.

I don’t dream for free.

Bob Dylan A Cylon?

Published on March 26, 2007 in ..The Dude and Television. 6 Comments

Season ender of Battlestar Galactica. Holy shit what the frak is going on!

I’m not sure how I feel about what I just saw.

I was riveted. I raised my arm to pump it for Lee Adama and for Baltar. When Tigh said,” Too much confusion,” I said no way. When he shortly added “there must be some kind of way out of here,” I said “oh shit. This isn’t happening. I can’t believing this is happening. They are not quoting on Bob Dylan/Jimi Hendrix.”

By the time someone actually got all, “Said the joker to the thief,” and “I can’t get no relief,” I could not deny what I was seeing and hearing. “Oh my frakking god they are not,” said I over and over again. Except I didn’t use Frak.

But it’s true. They did it and I can’t decide if it’s the coolest thing ever or if the shark dear has pearly whites dear because BG has strapped on a leather jacket and water skis and gotten up close and personal with one.

All Along The Watchtower.

Thousands of years later.

What the fuck!

Are the other 4 of the final 5 Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young?

I certainly don’t believe they’re Tigh, Chief, Anders, and Roslin’s sexy assistant. I don’t care what was implied I will bet that they are not Cylons. Something else is going on here.

Cylons, no matter how cool they are, are not all about the classic rock. Especially classic rock from thousands of years ago.

And yet it wasn’t Dylan or Hendrix they played. Who was it? It actually sounded like Bono singing at first. Did U2 cover Watchtower? Then it didn’t sound like him either and sounded more like some Sci fi channel house band.

If you’re going to use that song you have to give me Dylan or Hendrix.

Get me the real artist or do a song you can get the real recording for. Tigh hearing some Credence man.

I see Chief as a Rush man and Rush is all about the future. That’s why their music goes so well with playing video games as was illustrated so ably by Phillip J Fry.

Anders I see as a Beatles man. A Day In The Life. Revolution maybe.

Sexy assistant girl, Tory I think her name is, she’d hear Kashmir.

Just no house bands.

Don’t get me wrong I love that song. More so the Hendrix version because we also get one of the greatest opening riffs in rock history imo. But it would have been cooler to hear one of the two main versions.

Who was that singing that song!

What does this mean? I’m not going to know for a year. Or more. I need answers!

How does Dylan or one of his songs anyway, get into the consciousness of 4 people thousands of years later and galaxies away from Earth?

Or is it thousands of years ago?

Are they heading to Earth in the 60′s? Are Cylons the Vietcong? Were the Miracle Mets Cylons? Did they take out Kennedy?

I doubt it but why does that song filter through the millenia and vast distances when so little of our Earth’s culture remains intact in its present form on the show?

This is perhaps the greatest question ever posed by a science fiction show. Until now only the question of why Starbuck’s death was as anticlimactic as Tasha Yar’s could compete. Unless we count Scully’s cancer and Mulder’s sister.

But they actually did it. They had them singing All Along The Watchtower on Battlestar Galactica.

Could it be the song survived as a kid’s song sung at bedtime and had only recently been forgotten? Some of its lyrics certainly fit nicely. Did they sing it on Kobol and Tigh and the rest are somehow connected to the Lords of Kobol?

And what about Roslin sharing dreams with 2 Cylons and a hybrid? What does that imply?

As for the rest of the show Lee’s speech kicked ass and made me want to kiss him. That was the Lee of season 1 who spoke for me. But it was Baltar getting the Jesus towel on his head as his apostles led him to safety that really made me wet myself. This was the Baltar resolution I’d wanted since early in the season. Him becoming an underground prophet with legitimately wise musings and important ideas while at the same time being a self centered idiot was the best and only way out of his perceived betrayal and subsequent recapture by the fleet. Without killing him anyway. And I don’t think anyone wanted that.

That segment of the episode went down real smooth.

The Dylan was awesomely astounding, but I can’t gauge how to feel about it yet. It’s got potential to be amazing but then so did the career of Cory Feldman. I loved how much the song showing up blew my mind. But it needs a viable explanation at some point to shake off the skepticism that makes me worry the show is trying to get all Wonder Years in space to lure people back and get the rating back up.

And I’d feel better if those 4 are not Cylons. And I don’t think they are. At least not in the way Cylons are typically regarded.

Maybe they’re heralds of some kind. Maybe mediums or Kobol prophets. Something. But not 4 of 5. If Chief is a Cylon than so am I damn it! And maybe we are. And I can live with something like that. But they are not Cylons like Sharon was.

And then there was the Starbuckian ending.

Haaated it.

She was getting creepy enough before her whole mandala maelstrom end with her whiny poor mans Lost flashbacks. And though she was a favorite early on for me she just grew too abrasive and nasty. But at the end of this ep she was extra creepy. Religiously creepy. I hadn’t even begun to miss her yet. It’s too soon. I didn’t even get a chance to remember the good times. And rather than redeem her lousy death show it makes me feel even more ripped off. And I still don’t think she’s back next year. I don’t even know if that was really her. She seemed fake. Like a hollogram. And was that Earth at the end? Didn’t look like it to me though I get the impression it must have been. And did it mean they’re all there as the season ends? Of just heading in the right direction? And is the whole fleet following Starbuck?

I wanted a less abstract ending. A bigger moment not a music video.

But they really went and did it. They used the song. Dylan on Galactica.

There’s too much confusion.

Lost And The Spike Of Consequence

Published on March 15, 2007 in ..The Dude and Television. 4 Comments

[image:232:l] WTF?

Seagulls, football, C4, Australia, shared daddies, 815′s serious readers, Locke was para… and Russian dude knew it, Sawyer keeps a bet, Kate’s not good enough for the list, Sayyid is afraid, Ben’s not magnificent, Goth Claire is hot, they’ll talk about this later, other alternatives, and the difference between guilt and hope.

All these things made for one of the better episodes of Lost last night. Sure, again we don’t really learn anything new. But people are acting normal, plot is advancing, and there are some cool moments that may have culminated in one of the coolest and mindblowing. Or one of the lamest depending on the follow up answers we get.

Of course we also got the revelation that Jack and Claire are half-siblings. But we knew that. That was an easy one we guessed in Anna Lucia’s flashback about a year ago. It kind of sucks when we wait around a year to get a big reveal and it’s for something that amounts to minor confirmation. But did Christian Shepherd’s “other alternatives,” for Claire’s coma mom allude to a Dharma option? Probably not since he still wanted to kill her and I guess a Dr would have ways of doing this legally. But there was something mysterious there I think. And more and more I’m sure he is connected to Dharma, Mellitose, or both. Just why does he spend so much time in Australia? And with Russian guy indicating that Ben, as I’ve maintained all along, is not the big cheese, in this same episode could Christian be the man of magnificence alluded to?

I’d say no but I do think he’s involved. Hanso is more likely to be the guy he is talking about and that Ben mentioned to Locke in the hatch last season. But Shepherd is tied to too many people and this area of the world to not do more with.

And could this have something to do with that final big scene of creepilly happy Jack playing football with Zeketom? The look on Jack’s face as he spiked that ball was way freaky and too blissfully happy. That was my wtf moment. Though in retrospect I don’t expect it to have any long lasting value because when you think about it the scene can’t hold up to examination and still retain any mind-blowing value.

It’s probably Jack doing some assimilating since he made a deal and might as well as loosen up and enjoy while he’s playing it out. That’s really not that big of a deal and ultimately it’s unworthy of the big touchdown spike that hinted at a much closer bond and feeling of being at home that the scene seemed to suggest. The only way it really has lasting value and backs itself up is if Jack is home as Ben said he was taking them at the end of last season. The wtf element is only a wtf element if Jack is an Other. And has been all along.

And that just makes no sense and can’t work.

Could this be the huge shock they said was coming around midseason? We’re past the halfway point and there’s been nothing remotely shocking good or bad. But Jack as an Other is unthinkable. It would mean even Ben didn’t know. We’ve seen Jack alone with these people without the other Losties around and he held to his Jackness and distrust of them. And if his i.d. was top secret to all or most of the Others all along is it likely it’s all come out and everyone is just settled into how natural it is in the past few days? That wouldn’t explain his hominess amongst them. And what could have changed since they got back to the Others village to have it come out?

No. more than likely Jack’s realized they are the good guys to an extent and is honoring his deal with Ben. Could he have found out a connection to his father that led to him feeling more comfortable? Maybe. But much more than that would cue the Jaws theme music since I can’t see it holding up to further scrutiny. And if it is indeed the obvious then it’s an overdone wtf moment and a bad tease because they took pains to really show Jack in a different way. A very comfortable, at home, unreserved, and slightly creepy way we’ve never seen.

That needs more payoff than Jack faking it to get more info and plan an escape or just honoring his deal and making the best of it.

But for the moment it certainly did come as a whopper and I really did say wtf a few times at like 3 in the morning when I watched it.

As for other matters from last night:

Did that c4 in Locke’s bag imply he knew what he was doing when Flame St got blown up? Is locke out to destroy all the hatches? Kind of bad-ass of him to kill Russian guy in part because he knew John had been paralyzed which it certainly seemed he was about to say before jungle woman cut him off. But Locke’s acting on his own is getting annoying. The guy comes off a bit like a zeolot at times and needs Sayyid or Jack to kick his ass. Sayyid’s making fun of Locke’s mystical walking stick in comparison to some science was refreshing in light of all the clarivoyance, mind reading smoke monsters, and other matters of hokey mystical stuff the show dabbles with. I especially liked how sayyid told him they would have to talk about this later when he questioned locke’s recent actions and motivations.

Locke is in trouble.

And Sayyid is not a man you want to be in trouble with.

And what is he afraid of? Russian guy implied Sayyid wasn’t on the list because of fear. Locke due to anger. I forget Kate’s issue. And if this is so why was Ben coming for Locke? Or was he just playing him?

Looks like a big Ben-Locke moment next week along with the revelation of how Locke was paralyzed or made to think he was.

After dangling this for 3 years the reveal better be damn interesting. At one time I hoped it would turn out Locke’s paralysis was psychosomatic but after we’ve had all the other strange healings and Desmond’s morbid Charlie visions, I guess we’re not going to get any practical answers regarding Locke’s miraculous healing.

But will we get an explanation as to what is up with the passengers of 815′s reading list? What’s with all the good books Sawyer gets his hands on? This week he’s reading The Fountainhead. Yeah Ayan Rand was a loon and her politics sucked some ass in its naivete hiding behind rugged individualism and objectivity, but it’s still some serious reading. Did the Others bring the plane down to get more books for Juliet’s book club? People on planes are usually reading John Grisham and Daniel Steele not Watership Down. Does Australia’s proximity to the island make people living or visiting there smarter?

Anyway I need to know what’s up with my boy Jack. That was too big to take lightly. But like much of the shows initial big impressions I just don’t know if they can back that ending up.

Still taken in and of themselves the past few shows have been good. They seem to be listening to the criticisms and have got people acting like real human beings who actually talk about the far out stuff happening around them. Plot has moved forwards more even if no big answers have been fothcoming, and they’re even making fun of the Paolo-Nikki stuff we’ve all been making fun of. Hopefully it will keep up the pace through a couple of more years and then shut it down. More than likely it will slow to a crawl again shortly.

But wtf with Jack and Zeketom?

Light T.V. Thoughts.

Published on March 6, 2007 in ..The Dude, Television and The Ill-Literates. 10 Comments

Have Battlestar Galactica and Lost screwed the pooch? Jumped the shark? Smacked their monkey’s? Of these shows and others I will now speak because I’m not just about writing about important stuff and myself baby.

Lost. Alot were pissed a couple of weeks ago after the whole 3 big secrets will be revealed angle ABC played up. Lots of complaints when as I predicted e got one secret and that wasn’t a particularly big one. I had joked before hand that we’d find out how Hurley manages to not lose weight without a tv around, why Sawyer was so obsessed with Star Wars references despite being a guy who gets laid alot, and why Paolo can’t hold his bowels.

As expected i was kind of closer than the promos. And alot of people are annoyed. But this is more ABC’s fault. Cuse and Lindeloff have apparently said they were a bit bothered by the promos. So you even have them admitting there were no secrets revealed. But unfortunately the show is on this shitty network that put that pro Bush 9-11 mockumentary on the air with Disney’s backing to slander Bill Clinton. And they just keep on misleading people.

Because the only thing we really found out was that Jack’s tattoo says, “he walks amongst us but he is not one of us.” And even that doesn’t explain the whole thing he has going on up on that arm. There are pictures, symbols, numbers, interactive 3-d graphics, I mean it’s like the Rosetta Stone of tattoos on there. I did get a little chill though when Isabella spoke it’s meaning and Jack said its what it says, not what it means.

And it was cool seeing Jack actually say stuff most of would say in these situations. When Tom asked him what kind of people he thought they were and Jack simply and sensibly said the kind of people who steal children, hung Charlie, and abduct people, I nearly bust my jeans. Sawyer got a little in too when he made the stealing kids off raft project comment. This stuff stands out more than it should because usually everyone on this island acts like retarded Survivor contestants.

But overall the flashback was lame and a waste of time and we found out nothing new. Cindy’s alive. Oooh. Who the hell is Cindy? I don’t think alot of people were on about her or Jack’s tattoo ABC. The kids are milling about. That’s something I guess. But we kind of knew they weren’t dead. We really didn’t find out much about what they’re doing there beyond a vague reference to giving them a better life than Gilligan and the Professor could.

And I’m still troubled with the time travel thing with Desmond. Or a whole hour being given over to the results of a bump on the head. And now I have to wait a year to see Penny again.

But though this week once again progressed plot about as much as Dynasty has the past 15 years, it was an enjoyable episode. Stuff like Hurley making the Scooby van into a symbol and all the fun that ensued with him, Sawyer and Jin can be cool. And was in this case. Just need a bit more drama in between these episodes.

They said something big was supposed to happen about halfway through this season. Something huge and paridigm shifting. Tonight is episode 11. Halfway point. Something that makes me go wow or look for circling sharks better happen in the next couple of weeks.
_______________

Britney Spears is the Jack Bauer of rehab.

24 hours at a time baby. She went all G.I. Jane on that mother and gets in and out until the next bad day.

Don’t kick the baby.

-_________

BG. 2 episodes ago was Bloody hands. The union episode. This was a frakking great show. They really got into gear there managing to capture that potential the show has shown to be able to make pertinent modern political and philosophical points in a realistic futuristic setting.

And the stuff with Baltar and his underground pamphlet was genius. This is so the way to get him back. He made alot of valid points that are easy to see connecting with people. There really is an aristocracy of privilage amongst the colonies and their survivors. Some may be unavoidable, or at least understandable but that doesn’t lesson the legitimacy of the fight to uphold a higher standard and like Adama once said, to be worthy of surviving.

And when he did that accent thing for chief i kind of got a chill. And so did Chief. Which is why Baltar is coming back baby!

And then we got the much ballyhoed perspective shifting huge Starbuck episode we knew was coming.

And it kind of sucked.

It was like a poor mans Close Encounters abducted by 2001 with the mandala substituting for the potato mountain and Starbuck going all Dave Bowman into the maelstrom of the cosmos as some kind of sacrifice for the future.

It just didn’t work for me dog, as Randy Jackson might put it.

This might have been her final scene. She should have gone out better than Tasha Yar. And all that whiny ass my mom sucked, i like pain and suffering and its my destiny because some equally whiny ass Cylon who Roslin put out the frakkin airlock to be with his own personal Jesus in the slimey muckpool of the Cylon rebirth chamber, was all, like you know, a bit pitchy for me.

They didn’t bring it dogs and at this point in the competition you have to take it up a notch unless you’re having sex with Paula.

But there’s only 3 eps left and they need to pull something good from this Starbuck mess to redeem what they’ve done. Word is they just might do that. The finale is supposedly a doozy. Hopefully not a silly one.
_____________
I like Heroes but Studio 60 is the most riveting and best written and made show I’ve seen in a while much less new one of the season. And not it’s on hiatus. It will be back for its final 6 eps of season in April probably but it has little chance of renewal. It’s my fault for watching a show I new was doomed. Masochistic part of me that wants a cause to rail against I guess. From the first episode when it’s rating plunged in the second half hour as people had to actually pay attention and deal with allot of stuff as opposed to its lead in Heroes, which as fun as it can be does not exactly demand more than cursory attention to absorb it’s rather superficial veneer, I knew the show was a gonner.

And I watched anyway. As I watched Arrested Development even as I knew it’s life would be short. But at least they got 2 and a half years. 60 does cost allot of money. Something like $3 million per ep. But you can see it on the screen. It had its portentious and self absorbed moments early on but its really started finding a nice balance and flow since then.

I could go on but seeing as no one reading this has ever seen the show I won’t bother. no save the show campaigns or posts like with Arrested are going to happen on this site. I accept 60′s fate. I even blame myself to an extent.

__________

Heroes:

April 23rd?

We have to wait another 6 weeks?

All these shows need to go the 24 route.

The last 2 eps were pretty good. Really like Malcolm McDowell as Linderman. I hope he peronally kills Nikki. And Jessica. Which is the good one? I don’t even know anymore. I don’t care. I just want to use her upper lip as a sling shot for some large object aimed right back at her like in a Loony Tunes cartoon.

And Momma Petrelli is a player. Kind of suspected she might have some involvement but was caught by surprise by her being all over the Claire-Haitian thing. And that morphing chick taking on HRG’s wife’s form made me feel violated.

And that shot with Hiro and Ando in a post apocalyptic NY with cranes starting reconstruction in the background was pretty damn cool. I’m not even going to bother with the timelines involved right now because quite frankly Scarlett I don’t give a damn. I know how Peter got his scar now and why Indian guy was given a degree in something from a reputably respectable university. He finally caught on to something. Maybe was a bit daft for thinking some Indian spices would kibosh all Syler’s powers but he figured something out all on his own.

And for that I’m grateful.

_____________

Oh yeah Scooter Libby was found guilty.

His master still roams the Earth free to conquer and destroy in the name of his small and cowardly penis.

The Time Has Come: On 24’s First Hours And Of Time Itself.

Published on January 21, 2007 in ..The Dude, Television and The Ill-Literates. 2 Comments

OK I’m ready to speak a bit more about the first 4 hours of 24. It was too soon earlier this week. I needed to heal. It’s not easy seeing Jack cry. Jack takes a few moments to puke and compose himself and a nuclear weapon goes off. He can’t rest. That is now confirmed empirically.

There is no time for small talk in Jack’s life either. After 2 years apart when he first speaks to Chloe Jack is like “Get to work Chloe there’s no time for for this sentimental dribble damn it!” I’m paraphrasing but that’s basically what it comes down to for Jack Bauer. Take a breath and live with the fall out. Radioactive fallout that is.

Jack doesn’t even stop to explain to people why he needs to toss them in the street and take their car anymore. He just says “Don’t get up.” We know what it would mean for that driver to get up. He knows too though he doesn’t know Jack Bauer. But he recognizes gravitas when he sees it. He is staring up at its king. Despite his lack of information, the privelaged seat we watch from, he knows when to be properly and dutifully awed.

And then he had to shoot Curtis. On MLK’s birthday for christ’s sake!. That’s gravitas baby. As was Jack going all Lost Boys like his look alike Keifer Sutherland did in that movie. Ep one ends with Jack taking a bite out of crime. Literally, as he tears a terrorist neck up with his bionic teeth. There are so many ways Jack Bauer can kill you that anyone in L.A. should have Bauer insurance.

And then after Jack takes out he who some call Black Bauer, that music starts up like something out of Crash. Voices are crying out in its background. Crying with Jack and for Jack. Perhaps crying because Jack cries, a choir of angels that have never seen a god cry until just then. By the end of ep 4 I was drenched in a puddle of my own sweat and tears. I literally and truly sat there gasping and trying to compose myself. “Get a hold of yourself damnit!,” I said to myself. “You’re watching this at a safe remove from my pretty t.v. box. It doesn’t effect you you pussy.”

But it was of no use.

The power of Bauer compells you!

Of course most of all this is extremely far fetched. Some criticize and nitpick. They are mostly right. But 24 is science fiction to an extent. High adrenaline sci fi. Saying Jack can’t do these things after 2 years in a Chinese prison or getting stabbed in the shoulder, or that Wayne Palmer is an unlikely President and the kind of terrorist deals he makes are silly plot devices, or that an airstrike in the middle of suburbia is never going to happen, is like saying warp speed and teleportation in Star Trek is wrong. To enter into the world of either Jack Bauer or James Tiberius Kirk one most suspend their modern preconceptions. 24 takes place in the future. And just as much as Star Trek’s scientific elements have a future plausibility, can we say what a world of the near future may make possible?

Over 5 of our years about a decade has past in Bauer Years (or B.Y. as some historians and theologians are starting to refer to them). We are looking at a future where getting from one end of L.A. to another in a commercial break may be scientifically accurate measurements of how time passes in a world of rampant terrorism. We all know the phenomena where it seems like time passes faster when there are exciting or adrenaline inducing events going on. Well America’s near future is always adrenaline inducing. at least on those really long days when Jack must put in the overtime and live and die for L.A..

And 24 is a show all about time. Its named after it and features it’s passing on screen regularly. Each episode starts and ends with a clock. i’m not equipped with the scientific background to convey what I think is going on here but it’s got something to do with Einstein and relativity. That and the curving of spacetime due to the massively oversized American ego whose proportions to the actual physcial space they occupy will have effects in the future at this point we can only hypothesize about. And just as times very nature changes in a future where Muslim terrorists are running rampant and usually controlled ultimately by white Americans, the applications of hardware, political elections, physical endurance, Homeland Security hiring practices and so much more are subject to equal unrecognizability to our comfortable eyes that look upon the future from our safe removes all snug in our comforters made by Pakistani’s living and working with their brethren who fund terrorists, drinking our bottles of Naive as we steal Eurasian Indians water to bottle our hope and wash it down in carbonated beverages, and fill terrorist coffers as we fill our gas tanks and find status in whose tank is bigger.

Reality is already being twisted to make way the future Jack Bauer must save us from. So who is to question the reality of the methods used. Except it or do not watch. not everyone has the stomach for it my brothers and sisters. After watching last weeks final moments I questioned whether or not I had the stomach. I was beaten down. I was hurting. For Jack, for Curtis, for Chloe as she comes to terms with being the office hotty, for Kim who god willing lives in Valentia, for al-Assad who knows of both 24 and Star Treks’s futures, for Mike Novik who appears to be out of a job, for all those Los Angelinos who are in for the tan of their lives, for all ugly women who are apparently not allowed to work for CTU, for Wayne Palmer who has a sister who waits all these years until he’s President to start going all Kim Bauer on him, to all those who must feel the wrath of Chloe’s ascerbicism.

Indeed I cried.

And in my tears rejoiced.

Jack’s Back!

Published on January 14, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life, Television and The Ill-Literates. 2 Comments

[image:216:l] He returns to us tonight. Captain America. Our national treasure. THE Magnificent Bastard. So it’s time for more irrefutable facts about the legend that is Jack Bauer.

First off I have to admit this was harder to compile than the last post of this nature from last year. THis isn’t as funny. I may have shot my load of my knowledge of the more romantic and humorous angles of the Jack Bauer mystique. But then Jack Bauer is a serious bastard. He doesn’t laugh. That’s another irrefutable fact about him. Jack Bauer once laughed. When was that? A little day we call 9-11. Jack learned his lesson.

For funnier Jack facts check the various places that are probably still out there on the internet and my previous post here, which also features funny facts contributed by Brandonicus, Bob, and others, as well as follow up facts I’d forgotten about Jack.

Still there are other things that must be known about Jack Bauer.

Here are a few of them. If you know any, please, I implore you, for tha sake of our nation, add them here.

On to the facts:

Jack Bauer has a panic room in his home not because he needs it to hide in, but rather so that guests and household pets can get a respite from his gravitas.

  

Modern philosophers now refer to the existential angst of past decades and centuries as “Bauer shaped holes”.

Jack Bauer targets Muslim terrorists as much for their non-corporeal virgins as anything else.

When you open up a can of Whup-Ass, Jack Bauer pops out.

Jack Bauer thought Casino Royale was a comedy.

Jack Bauer has a cartoon tatoo of Allah sodomizing Mohommad on his ass.

Despite this Jack Bauer’s bare ass is accepted as a prophet in the Muslim world.

Jack Bauer serves as an expert consultant on Heroes, which was conceived as a tribute to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer casts no reflection in mirrors. Experts believe this to be an evolutionary adaptation
to prevent Jack Bauer from peeing himself.

Writers, linguists, and English professors everywhere now accept the name Jack Bauer as a reasonable synonym for the words and or ideas of danger, gravity, frightening, and exceptional.

As a result of the above Stephen King is revising his collective works.

Also as a result, the following statement is considered grammatically correct and understandable: Jack Bauer looked Jack Bauer as he Jack Bauered the terrorist with Jack Bauer techniques that almost made them Jack Bauer that the Jack Bauer is real.

Scientists have now added Jack Bauer to the universes other 4 forces consisting of electromagnetism, gravity, strong force, and weak force.

Those same scientists have yet to explain Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer has a credit card with 50% interest. The interest is paid to Jack Bauer. In Bauer dollars.

Jack Bauer shoots bankers in the back of the head whenever he makes a deposit. Jack Bauer knows that something must be sacrificed in order to save.

If Jack Bauer fought the law the law would lose. This is why Jack Bauer is above the law.

Jack Bauer quit playing Football in College because he considered punting to be negotiating with terrorists.

The hostages in Iran were released in 1980 not because of Reagan’s manipulations but because the captors had learned that Jack Bauer was then old enough to travel.

Tony Bennet didn’t lose his heart in San Francisco. Jack Bauer ripped it out of his chest and forgot to show it to him.

Jack Bauer put the Bop! in the bop de wop de bop.

Oompa Loompa oopity power-hour.
Oompa Loompa’s shit chocolate when they see Jack Bauer.

There are no aliens, dragons, monsters, ogres, Abominable Snowmen, Big Foot’s, Nellie’s, Zombies, or Vampires. Thank you Jack Bauer.

Viagra was reverse engineered from Jack Bauer’s biochemical makeup.

The hole in the roof of the Dallas Cowboys stadium is not so that god can watch his favorite team as their fans like to say. It is because Jack Bauer got excited watching the Cowboys cheerleaders. If you know what I mean.

Jack Bauer is officially banned from going on Fear Factor.

The part of the phrase starting with, “The love of a good woman,” has been replaced by, “Jack Bauer.”

Axl Rose has been working on Chinese Democracy for a decade. Jack Bauer has been in China for 20 months. They now have the makings of a real Democracy.

There is no more romance because every couple now realizes that it is Jack Bauer that hung the moon and stars.

Ok that’s it for my new ones. But in the interest of serving America’s information needs I must add some of my own favorites contributions from last year.

If Jack Bauer did porn his porn name would be Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has tortured Tom Clancy for repeatedly putting the United States in fictional jeopardy.

Horses are no longer put out to stud. They are put out to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can only be photographed with a special gravitas filter lens. [image:94:l]

Virgins exist only because they hope to preserve themselves for Jack Bauer and because Jack Bauer is very busy.

Jack Bauer was stranded on the island from Lost. He solved its riddles and got off of it in 24 hours. He did this by not pausing for flashbacks. Jack Bauer thinks reflection is for pussies who don’t have a country to save.

Jack Bauer thinks we are all pussies, but doesn’t tell us so. He has no time for small talk.

Jack Bauer was once crucified for the sins of man, died, and returned. He didn’t bother to tell anyone about it or make a big stink though.

As a child Jack Bauer tortured a fellow Cub Scout because he suspected he was a mole from another den.

A sports beverage company needed a high octane drink that gave people energy for short durations. So they bottled Jack Bauer’s sweat and called that drink Gatorade.

Jack Bauer only sweats to complete his contractual obligations to Gatorade.

Galactica: So Say We All

Published on November 8, 2006 in ..The Dude, Television and The Ill-Literates. 6 Comments

Because I’ve seen them all. I’m all caught up like the rest of you kids.

Wasn’t crazy about New Caprica eps. Like the last 2 much better. Getting back to the mythology of the show. The ship just makes for a better self contained universe that magnifies tensions and issues. I like the fracturing along the lines of those on Caprica and those on Galctica during the occupation. People are like that. Always getting tribal and drawing lines between each other. Uniting only against something else. And feeling their trials give them a right to feel superior or worthy of sympathy.

Cant help feel i’ve seen alot of these plot threads and ideas in other sci fi venues over the years even if I can’t place them all. Seems some Star Trek plus a whole lot of Sci fi novels and movies.

But it’s still cool having them on a decent tv show. And hopefully they’ll find a new angle. It’s hard to tell where they stand philosophically. In my opinion there’s always been a sort of ambiguity when it comes to the Cylon threat and what kind of future is in keeping with our best interests and ideals. But with this virus thing introduced last week and the hybrid angle growing stronger you have to think they are closing in on having to take a stand.

The hybrid in the tank was too much Minority Report for my taste though. Seems like an advanced technological race wouldn’t leave themselves so vulnerable as to have so much hooked up and into 1 floating street poet doing free form beat verse with tubes sticking out of everywhere.

And hybrids were awesome when V did it 20 + years ago. They were cool when X Files sort of went there. They don’t have the same punch today though I like the idea. That’s where I stand philosophically. Call me a Cylon lover. I’d totally date #8. Tigh would surely cast me from an airlock for my beliefs.

BUt I think it’s silly to believe we’re not going to evolve even more over time. We don’t look or think like we did hundreds of thousands of years ago. With exponential technological growth we’ll surely have a different cast in the next few millenia if not sooner. We make the machines to be better than us. It only seems natural that we incorporate some of thier best characteristics. Science knows being all human makes a muddied mess out of far too many situations. A new paradigm must come. Has come. For the sake of the show I’m calling it the shape of things to come and I’m on board.

To a point.

The Cylons have some repressive and hypocritical aspects. And they have religious issues that makes me want to go medieval on their asses.

Well at least 2 of the models asses.

But the Baltar stuff is great as is the missing 5. I’ve been wondering about this for a while. Six said there were 12 models. We’ve seen 7. Why are these 5 unspeakable?

And how does Baltar get back into the fold? Is he spending the rest of his tenure on the show in the Cylon camp? I guess its possible. Maybe he saves them from the virus and gets his high perch like the Baltar from the old show. That’s all I remember from the old show thankfully and I’m not sure I want this Baltar to go there.

BUt all this Cylon projecting stuff and how it figures into Baltar’s communications with the iconic #6 that’s been all up inside his head is interesting. He’s not a Cylon. I think that’s obvious at this point. And laughable judging from 6′s reaction to the question. But could there be something else? If there is that other hybrid where did she come from? I thought Helo and Boomers kid was the first. Might it not have something to do with the virus? Or search for Earth?

Where did the virus come from?

Is anyone at home on Earth and if so just who or what are they?

Could it have anything to do with why we left there? Has this all happened before as the scriptures say? And could Baltar’s projecting chops be related to a circumspect ancestry dating back to this time?

And how the frack does Apollo get slimmed down that fast? They didn’t indicate a time jump between the last 2 episodes.

If it’s that easy in the future why doesn’t Bill drop a few pounds too?

Tigh is getting to be a problem.

Starbuck is the first woman I ever wanted to cut her hair. It just wasn’t her. Me happy now with her getting back to basics.

Roslin called up a little of that old time magic in that ep with the executions. She gave me one of those Stan speeches I so love. And giving Zarek an in is cool even if he cirumvented the law and almost got my boy Gaeta killed. That was my favorite ep of the season. Gaeta took it like a man though. No whining. He turned over the damned dog dish and he knew it. Frak these ungrateful doubters if they don’t trust him.

I may be getting a man crush on him.

He should get with one of the 8 models.

So say we all.

Or at least me.