Archive for the 'Science/Nature' Category

The Fireball Of Epiphany

Published on May 13, 2008 in ..The Dude, Life and Science/Nature. 0 Comments

So I’m talking to Pedro on my cell phone last Thursday shortly before leaving work and with my free hand I’m using one of those stick lighters to ignite the monster barbeque grill we have in the backyard there. It didn’t light normally so you know how you’re supposed to turn off all burner sections for 5 minutes before relighting? Well I knew that too. But what with the talking and all I didn’t really pay much attention and I didn’t do that. I also didn’t pay attention to the quadrant of the grill i was sticking the lighter in.

It wasn’t the right part.

POOF!

Big red fireball rushes up my arm, my chest, and into my face.

Within a matter of seconds I’m thinking that life as I have known it has come to an end. I will be rolling on the grass or running towards the hose in an attempt to save my life momentarily. But surely either way I have suffered major burns and permanent scarring. Including on my face.

Now some who know me may feel this couldn’t make things any worse.

Fuck these people.

Fuck them in the ass with Neptune’s Trident.

But though they might be right, I don’t want to be any more self conscious than i already am. But this big old fireball whose poof was audible to people inside the house who came running, surely had to do some damage.

So I’m thinking this as I calmly tell Pedro that I should go now. He was inviting me as a special guest at Hillside Manor for a free meal Wednesday at 10:30 a.m. It’s for an event having to do with people like him who have made their homes into a place for mentally disabled people to live and prosper. I occasionally help him out so I was eligible for the meal. But as I’m lighting myself on fire I’m thinking I don’t want to eat at 10:30 a.m. I don’t want to do anything at 10:30 in the morning.

By the time I was thinking life had been irrevocably altered I’m thinking I’m certainly not going to any more parties with major burn scars all over my face.

Just a bit earlier, before a memorial service we were hosting where I work our head honcho, or rather honchess for our region, asked me why I hadn’t RSVP’d back regarding the Everyday Heroes ceremony being catered by the Culinary Institute somewhere in Poughkeepsie. Which was today by the way.

All the big wigs were going to be there. Indeed they were as I just heard from the other manager where I work, Jarmar, who was there. Our program got lots of accolades. I was even mentioned. I wasn’t there. Not a fan of these things or hobnobbing. Gladhanding sure. I loves me the gladhanding. But not the hobnobbing. Hobnobbing killed my uncle. For that I will never forgive the hobbers and their endless nobbing.

But at the moment I was peering into the void of the fireball I was glad I told Head Honchess that I didn’t want to play all the reindeer games (I think I actually just made a face and said “I don’t know”) and didn’t even see the e mail about the RSVP because I’m not showing there with major scars and at least a good portion of the hair burned from my upper body.

I had already entered into the thought mode that the days of functions, dinners, get togethers, etc, were over for me. For I was already burned by 3rd degree burn damage of another kind. I was a freak before the fireball. Never mind this now. It was on my mind as the fireball was making it an even more palpable reality.

Only it didn’t.

I smelled burning flesh but found nothing wrong. My clothes were not on fire. I patted myself down after ending my phone call, not mentioning that the reason I had to go was because I thought I was on fire and about to begin life as Mel Gibson in The Man Without A Face. MIraculously even the eyebrows were there. I though for sure they were gone. I asked a couple of my guys who were standing nearby if they saw any burns. I certainly felt hot. Nothing. Eventually I found the source of the stench. THe hair on my right hand on up my arm to the elbow where my rolled up sleeve began had been singed off.

I now have two matchless hands and arms, the one smelling of burning embers for a day or so. And a bit of a burn scar on the wrist which is already fading after 5 days. Due to these arms, one with a fairly normal hand-arm hair pattern, the other with nothing on one side of it, I am of course still a freak.

A monster even.

But not quite the monster I thought I would surely be.

And therein lies the issue.

I am Superman.

That’s right. I’m indestructable. I’m never going to die.

Fuck you all and you’re happiness. To hell with you’re accomplishments, your families, your girlfriends or wives, your children, your basic human normalcy.

I am compensated with eternal life.

I am 40 and have never been close to being destroyed. I should have been before. I should never have survived childhood. Yet I did.

Now I know why.

I’m a Superhero.

Of course I have that poetic downside to counterbalance my gifts. I must walk the Earth forever alone, unsatisfied, freakishly deformed, aghast at your stupidity, rooting for the Mets, and using my cell phone mainly for work purposes.

But I shall outlive you all.

I shall bury you.

And the memories of you and all you have done.

All that is left will be me. You will exist only as far as I acknowledge you. And for some, perhaps I will. This too is part of my power.

Perhaps I will pursue a life of crime fighting. After I settled down from the Fireball Of Epiphany I got quite the adrenaline rush. “Danger good,” said I. I felt alive. After I settled down I wanted to jump into traffic. Not only to test my invulnerability but also and mainly to get another rush of the adrenaline. I can see why some people lie to put themselves in harms way. When you have nothing that inspires you or to live for you can get a real artificial but real sense of living and purpose by living on the edge and thwarting death.

But adventure and excitement? A Jedi craves not these things right?

What does Lucas know? He’s a lousy writer.

The artificial meaning the life endangering creates is as real an anything. It’s manufactured sure. I’ve never been one to manufacture drama. But that was before I knew I was immortal. Fake drama for mere mortals is folly. This is true. And even a Jedi is mortal. I am not. I am a fucking Highlander motherfuckers. I do what I want. Also I have that whole meaningless and insignificant thing going on that probably is one of the root causes for those that create drama in their lives. Being a superhero though I would not be silly white trash for catering to it. I would be saving the world or something.

Now excuse me, I have a cheerleader to save.

The End Draws Nigh.

Published on August 8, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life and Science/Nature. 2 Comments

The end has come for me and my run on Ill-literates.

The reasons are many.

Numero uno I guess is just the cost. Been shelling out too much money lately what with moving and I may be looking at doing it again down the road. I can’t justify another $65-75 to occasionally spout off about Bush, religion, the mets or my life. Or whatever.

But there are other reasons.

I’m also thinking about going offline. The internet has gotten boring and takes time from reading books and magazines which I enjoy more and don’t do enough of. Without it I can get rid of phone service altogether except for my cell phone. Maybe I’ll pop over to Pantera or Barnes & Noble for the free WiFi occasionally. But I haven’t decided for sure if I’ll go that far. It depends on some of the other things I’ll list after this.

I’m also feeling on the dark side about the point of all this. My venting or opining for the most part to myself on here I mean. If I’m going to write something I should concentrate on bigger things. But I’m also starting to wonder about priorities. The management gig gets very consuming at times and I’m starting to wonder if I should just surrender and let it consume me. I mean at least it’s a purpose and sometimes a good cause that makes some lives a bit better and I can’t say that about the internet, my writing, or my personal life. So maybe it’s time to become one of those workaholic drones I always pittied. Maybe they had no choice in the end and at least gave themselves to something to escape the void rather than just drift towards it with nothing but the blackness their whole lives.

I could of course surrender myself to Jesus and have that going for me but there is no surrendering to lies once you’ve seen truth.

Ironically Jesus freaks say similar things.

But its like the saying once you’ve been to the city you can’t go back to the sticks. OR however the saying goes. You get my point. Plus the religioso don’t have proof and contradict themselves all the time. But that’s the historical difference between the city and the rural areas. The cities have always been the breeding ground of ideas and change because its where knowledge congregates. Natural selection takes place at a faster rate there and good ideas will out because of necessity.

Ok I got in one last shot at the evil of religion so i’m done with that.

But speaking of the city I’m wondering about whether I should go back. Or if I should have ever left. Just more to get lost in there. More diversions. Not an option right now with my father. That’s a whole other tale I’m not prepared to face but will have to at some point in the future. Even Florida is in the picture now. But location is not the central factor as much as myself and a need to take further stock and do something more or better.

I’m still reluctant about this other surrender to work and a civil service career. It’s not what I want exactly. There are so many dissatisfied people I see who much like myself are this way because they’re not doing what they want to do or don’t have the means to fit their youthful expectations. And when it comes to my generation and younger we grew up fed alot of expectations through all the media outlets we’ve had and living in times relatively free from any real turmoil that had to shift our focus realistically and practically such as depressions and world wars tend to do.

I’m even considering a second job. At least it’ll keep me out of the house and on the streets and hold the terrifying future at bay just a while longer while giving me more money to play with. I’m not ruling out writing more instead. Not all the decisions are made. But turning 40, becoming middle management, and moving with my worst fears of life in Kingston realized so quickly has made me take stock. And my stocks aren’t worth a whole lot. So i need change and if I can’t change it all the way I want maybe I just need to change what I can and try to be a bit less bored and commit to something instead of nothing even if its something I don’t want to be entirely committed to.

I should have had these realizations many years ago but I didn’t. Can’t say the warnings weren’t there. From teachers, after school specials, to Mrs Garret and the Facts Of Life Girls, the information was there but I drifted to 40 uncommitted to anything except some vague notions of knowledge for its own sake and acting like an evolved being rather than showing my Monkey side. Well take it from me that’s not a life. Stay in school. Find a focus. Take care of your body. Find a nice girl your reasonably but perhaps not overwhelmingly attracted to, root for the Yankees, earn and save for a house, be creative, make it happen with hard work and don’t wait for stuff to happen, and stay in touch with your family because they have to put up with you when there is no one else as long as you’re not a complete fuck-up.

As warped as they are some conservatives understand some fundamental truths about human nature.

I’d still keep the site in the mix. It’s not like it’s all consuming or anything. But we are up against our renewal in a matter of days and its simply a matter of timing and money. I hope Bob can find a way to keep it going. If so I’ll be by from time to time to comment. But it’s not a priority and I’ve thrown away enough money recently. And I’m looking at a house in the next day or two. Probably wont be buying now. Maybe not be doable ever. But I have to be careful in case. And as I said I may make that complete switch from an attempt as a balanced life including being “cool not too invested but good supervisor guy,” to jumping in completely. I fear that choice. But I also fear the potential consequences of continuing like this because there is no balance or solace at home or play. At least work is there though stepping down from management is also a possibility. I do like some of the perks including the scheduling many weeks but ironically that’s another element that may have come too late in life to fully enjoy. I mean at this point alot more weekend time and evening time off is just not doing anything but reminding me that there are no supports for all the stresses at work.

So I’m still a bit confused but I do know I need to make changes and alas they want our money now not later. And I can not contribute for what feels like literary masturbation much of the time.

So goodbye kiddies and keep not commenting or not reading or whatever it is you’re not doing. I no longer have anything to give for my country.

Monkey Morality

Published on March 20, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life, Religion and Science/Nature. 0 Comments

[image:238:l] In yet another strike against those who like to think humans are especially unique or answering some higher moral imperative due to our connection to god, we now have more evidence that primates also evolved the early makings of a moral system of checks and balances.

Quotes come from the NY Times:

This is not exactly a new idea. But more evidence is in and many of the groups who opposed the idea of sociobiological roots to our behavior and morality, such as moral philosophers and some psychologists who claimed this area as their own province along with religion, are admitting there is something to it.

While it’s always been apparent to anyone bothering to notice that monkey’s and apes exhibit some of our worst tendencies only writ less subtly, there are necessary conclusions to be drawn from the idea that they also possess the capacity of our best traits as well.

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Chimpanzees have drowned trying to save other chimps, rhesus monkeys have refrained from pulling a chain that will get them food after realizing that pulling it shocks another monkey. Instead they have chosen to starve. Chimps will share more food with those who have taken time to groom them or share with them. They show displeasure at being treated unfairly or disproportionately in comparison to other monkeys. They also have systems of punishment and reward. Apes have shown the ability to empathize and console.

As with our primate cousins more evidence points to all us primates developing a moral sense and reason from very real necessity rooted in our environment and need to survive. The developing reciprocity we share, though far more advanced for homo sapiens probably came out of a need for defense against other tribes or groups of not so cute chimps-early hominids and the study linked in this article indicates it came long before any religious ideas came about to justify them. [image:239:l]

Religion can be seen as another special ingredient of human societies, though one that emerged thousands of years after morality, in Dr. de Waal’s view. There are clear precursors of morality in nonhuman primates, but no precursors of religion. So it seems reasonable to assume that as humans evolved away from chimps, morality emerged first, followed by religion. “I look at religions as recent additions,” he said. “Their function may have to do with social life, and enforcement of rules and giving a narrative to them, which is what religions really do.”

As Dr. de Waal sees it, human morality may be severely limited by having evolved as a way of banding together against adversaries, with moral restraints being observed only toward the in group, not toward outsiders. “The profound irony is that our noblest achievement — morality — has evolutionary ties to our basest behavior — warfare,” he writes. “The sense of community required by the former was provided by the latter.”

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That last part gets back to what I mentioned about reciprocity and the ability to cooperate. We still see this in that capacity we have to only band together when we have a common enemy. Red staters hated New Yorkers until 9-11. Than they loved us when there was someone more threatening to band together to hate. Once that wears off they don’t like us again because were politically different tribes and vice versa. This and many other monkey traits still persist in us. This is why i have such a hard time doing some things I’ve always believed and sensed came out of a very primal place. Whether it’s not taking sides just because its geographically convenient or I’m dating the person I think is wrong, following the group, disliking someone who is a threat on a molecular-biological level, targeting the weak link at work as people often do just as they did at school, waving a flag, or many of the other examples we mostly don’t like to view in such an unglamorous light. I don’t know about you but I attain for a bit more than acting like a chimp. Cousins or not. Gorillas kill their offspring for sympathy or kill others babies to attract attention back to their baby. That’s something I expect to remember if I ever have a kid and am tempted to think mine is cuter than any others.

Think about that when you’re making decisions and I find it really casts things in an interesting way.

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Of course all of this is hard to reconcile with a god who gave us our moral sense as the religious like to believe. Or those who claim animals have no souls for that matter. One of both of these people are wrong and considering its often the same people we can chalk up another contradiction of the faithful.

Philosophers have been no less happy about the implications of this but they’re starting to get on board while still reserving room for a unique human consciousness the singularity of the human capacity to reason and do allot more with those moral building blocks all primates seemed to have evolved a long time ago.

But biologists like Dr. de Waal believe reason is generally brought to bear only after a moral decision has been reached. They argue that morality evolved at a time when people lived in small foraging societies and often had to make instant life-or-death decisions, with no time for conscious evaluation of moral choices. The reasoning came afterward as a post hoc justification. “Human behavior derives above all from fast, automated, emotional judgments, and only secondarily from slower conscious processes,” Dr. de Waal writes.

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He basically says that the emotional moral decision is made and formed a bit in the David Hume sense rather than the Kantian sense of reasoned morality, and then we make up religious justifications and rationalizations to feel good about it.

Yet another reason taking our own desires out the equation is a good idea and in my estimation an attribute of a more highly evolved way of thinking and behaving. It’s very easy to arrive at a philosophy or opinion that fits our lifestyle, economic level, sexual predilections, wants, fetishes, or past choices. Even monkeys can do that. Or at least share the rudiments for that tendency with our early hominid ancestors who speciatied off of them. It’s another to look at the greater good and judge things on the evidence. These are qualities that separate us a bit more substantially from other primates.

So the next time you’re feeling all moral remember that is not in itself enough to make you human. We should all remember we have to kick it up a notch lest our morality and good intentions be the stuff of hardwired necessity and convenience rather than something worthy of considering ourselves evolved or spiritual beings.

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