I’d like to do something different. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George decides to do the opposite because all his choices are always bad? And things start working out for him?
I kind of want to do this. Of course it may be dangerous because my decision making apparatus isn’t all that bad. As much as I have in common with George I’ve painted over the Costanzian part of my brain with a lot of layers of pragmatic and sensible colors.
It’s more the long range stuff and the decisions of the past where I go wrong. Horribly and disastrously wrong. From there are born the scary and fanged ghouls screaming in my head. But still. Things not good? Why do the same things?
And how far to take it?
Do I start going to church and supporting George Bush?
Do I root for the Yankees? Start wearing loafers? Ride a bike to work? Masturbate in public?
I mean I don’t do any of these things now and quite frankly I could be happier. So where is the line drawn? Do I just wait for decisions to come up and make a different choice than i normally would?
How about hitting on women in a blatant and indiscriminate way? Cussing out co-workers when they’re stupid? Writing the opposite of what I want to write? How would that work? Let me try that now. Here’s a go at an opposite sentence:
You can’t stay the same. Life is pointed and your living it cuts me deep. Please lend me your strawberries and never forget the whorl that binds up by centuries.
What the hell was that?
See? There has to be some structure to this thing.
I don’t exercise or write enough. So I could try and do that more. But I can’t work less hours. I suppose I could eliminate more tv and books though I need some for inspiration.
I’ve never made the decision to get a Russian bride. Maybe it’s time.
I’ve been playing with ideas like moving back to city area, stepping down at work, reconstructive surgery, getting a pet, shaving my head, finding an avenue for a psycho sexual downward spiral, killing my Buddha, blowing my cash on frivolities, getting a 2nd job, conquering the disease of sleep, advertising for surrogate mama dramas, a life of crime, living as a hermit, and disappearing in the X Box experience.
Some of these things can work together and some are mutually exclusive. So I’ve got some work to do on this. I think i should start with ignoring the Mets.
Admitting that I’m kinda ok with John Edwards being President.
Smoking.
Winking at women randomly in what may border on extreme creepiness.
Lying regularly. This one especially. Truth has no friends. It makes no warm bedfellow-ettes. Maybe when you don’t have what people want you need to lie about it and at least enjoy it until you get found out.
It seems to keep a lot of people distracted. Diversion is part of the secret to survival I think. It’s why people create drama. And damn it now that there are no writers working I need somebody to bring the fake drama. How about a mama?
And in no time at all I could be espousing safe opinions and mindsets that can go a long way.
I think we should invade Iran.
See that wasn’t so hard.
Opposite+lie=Fun.
This is something Fox News viewers understand. Perhaps they are the future? Prophets even.
People in middle America really get it. They’re ahead of the learning curve. Like Lou Dobbs. Our borders are broken and we need to fix them. With blood.
This is our land damnit!
And if you want to kill babies in it you can get out too! A fetus is just the 1st chapter in a great book. Rip it out and you’ve destroyed that book.
And speaking of destroying books I’m all for that!
Burn em!
The bad ones anyways. Tain’t no one so smart they should be puttin’ on airs like that.
It tain’t humble!
Will I start believing these things?
Got to start somewhere so as of now no more eating stem cells for breakfast.
No more watching so many movies without neat explosions.
I’m going to stop trying to avoid learning the lines to Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American,” and reciting them routinely.
I’m getting rid of all my wire coat hangers.
I’m going to need a less sensible car.
Less bookstore more seedy neighborhood dives.
Goodbye Salmon hello Mac & Cheese!
It occurs to me though that if I’m making the decision to do the opposite and my decisions are usually bad, that the decision to do the opposite must therefore be a bad one.
Think about that.
This whole idea is an enigma wrapped in riddle and stuffed with creamy white goodness made of synthetic ingredients. It’s a Catch 22 except backwards. A catch 22. It’s a Socratic dialectic with a young boy’s Greek sausage impaled in the center of it’s reason. An algebraic conundrum in which the value of x is a short story by Phillip K Dick. It’s a Wookie living on Endor. It’s Schrodinger’s Box and when I open it Heisenberg pops out and beats Schrodinger to death with a dead cat.
Or is it just passed out?
These questions are too deep for me. When i was young it seemed like life was so wonderful but then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible. Logical. Responsible, practical.
There are times when all the worlds asleep, the questions run too deep for such a simple man.
Wont you please, please tell me what weve learned? I know it sounds absurd. Please tell me who I am.
Obviously there has to some happy medium in this whole opposite thing. One can’t suddenly go all unequivocally reverse in all things. Maybe an old dog and all that. Let’s give it some thought shall we. What to keep and what to throw over the side. We can’t ballast the sinking ship. Something must go. But replaced with how much weight? Something lighter must this way come. Change makes me hungry.
Can I have kippers for Breakfast? Mummy dear, mummy dear?
Recent Comments