[image:98:l] I hate to whine about myself, preferring instead to whine about politics and other things that effect others who I realize don’t care about my personal stuff, but I’ve been rambling a bit more on here lately and getting used to it. Since it has its cathartic elements and is becoming one of my only forums of personal venting, I’m off again. If you don’t care by all means move on. If you’re one of the people who prefer this kind of stuff to the relevent political and cultural stuff (like a certain entity who doesn’t like me complaining about the Bush administration), maybe this is more your thing. It’s Dead To Me without a coherent theme, it’s stream of consciousness without the editing, it’s the end of another lousy day at the office. You’ve had glimpses before in Late Night Rambling and Life As A Plebe type posts, but here’s a personal welcome to the personal side of The Dude.
I’ve made it through a week and a half with an IRA fund set up. That’s 10 days closer to 60. The pressure is building. Work is not helping. I feel sick to my stomach being around so much corruption and prevarication. I’ve had this throbbing above my left eye since a little after 3 today. That’s when I opened a letter at work. The throbbing is still there. The state may take my money as they’ve taken my soul. More on this and the nature of my scream in a moment. But first some less important things that must be said.
Chicken and egg. Which came first? I never got this joke or riddle, or metaphysical conundrum or whatever it is. Don’t you need two chickens to make an egg? Is there such thing as immaculate poultry? If so is it organic so I can eat it?
If Osama dies of old age or dysentery or something does Bush get credit?
I’m just starting to admit publicly how much I dislike George Thorogood. And The Destroyers. Though the Destroyers thing is probably just by association. I’ve never told anyone this before. Classic rock stations play his long rambling psuedo-macho odes to testesterone and booze far too often. I apologize to any of you who like them, but I suspect most of their fans hang out in bars and not cyberspace so we probably are ok there.
I miss the kid saying Dude.
Baseball camps are open and Barry Bonds says he’ll retire after the year. Strikes me that after his curious knee issue last season and now this he’s purposefully trying to keep himself from breaking Aaron’s homerun record. He wants Ruth’s because everything is racial to Bonds. But he knows as he would near and break Aaron’s HR record the spotlight on his cheating, the debates, and the boos would be real bad for him. Baseball wouldn’t look to good either. Potential for real messy situation. Don’t cheat kids.
David Wright of the Mets continues to be a worthy idol and my favorite player. He now says that with his new perks as a star comes great responsibility, somewhat echoing the words of Spiderman. As my favorite superhero I’m glad he’s a Met with a guy like Delgado who takes a stand.
Speaking of taking a stand. It was great of the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face to apologize for being shot in the face by Dick Cheney. This is what happens when you wed yourself to an ideology and the power mongers who stand in control of it. As a major conservative contributor and a man in thrall to the administration for his place in things, this Whittington fella is so cowed he’s truly sorry Cheney has had to suffer like this. Cheney who admitted to drinking a beer at lunch before shooting him in the face. Cheney who disappeared for a day before talking to authorities for some mysterious reason. When people admit to a cop they may have had 1 beer doesn’t it usually man they had like 6?
That Dutch paper that ran the mohammed cartoons that have touched off such a furor rejected some Jesus cartoons last year. This makes me less than supportive of them and their free speech/press argument. They have a right to offend but others have a right to be offended and originally their protests were lawful and peaceful. Yes they’ve gone too far and I’ve got no love for their repressive phallocentric religion but it sounds like the paper was almost baiting them as is much of Europe’s press which has some definite racial issues. For all they have going over us I’m mostly glad I dont live in Europe because in the racial-religioous area they’re still a few decades, if not centuries behind.
And run Jesus cartoons already. Or is that religion already such a cartoon it’d be redundant?
Heard something about an Israeli paper, or maybe just a Hebrew one, having a contest to beat Muslims to the punch and run their own cartoons making fun of Jews. This is why i love them even if don’t particularly like Israel. And it’s why they rule the comedy world. Jews are just funny and smart and we may as well just deal with it. We need more diffusing of this stuff with humor and self deprecation.
I really think being surrounded by 2 oceans is one of the main and few reasons we’re better off and don’t have as much upheavel and tribulation as Europe, Asia, Africa, and the Middle East. That’s why it’s hard for me to get all uppity about being proud to be an American. We got lucky. It’s what we do it with. Right now we’re not doing so good. at least as far as the whole democracy, equality, justice, and peace thing goes. Maybe it’s humanity but I think America is a country of liars more than most. It’s everywhere and it just goes through me like a spear to the skull. Particularly one to my left eye area. Maybe its that isolation afforded by 2 oceans. When indiciduals dont feel they can be called on anything they’ll take the easy way and lie their way through life. Whether it’s Cheney or my boss, it just flows from their mouth so effortlessly, like silver mercury shite pouring forth.
And everyone feels like they’re lying for a cause. Whether its the conservative ideology, making a relationship work, or the great plan to make the state agency where I work function better. Justifications abound but at its root is just people lying for the cause of their selves who are now too tied to a job, movement, clique, or what have you, that they must defend to defend themselves. Everyone’s a superhero in their own minds and superheros dont lie without the greater good being at stake right?
Bullshit.
I am only remotely calm right now because I have this Sunday and Monday off to go along with the follwoing two days I normally have off. A three day workweek suits me. Much easier to get through. After today its really a good thing or I might be going postal. I need to have fun those five days starting saturday evening. Anyone of my peeps on here interested let me know. Next week wil be different though. Anyway.
I’ll try not to get off into too much of a rant here but I got to get this off my chest.
Those in the know understand my feelings about liars and ethics and how the state agency I work for is surfeit in the former and seriously lacking the latter. Well today I walk in there after a couple of days off and get a letter saying they are eliminating my 10-6 weekend position which the letter claims does not fit the master schedule’s needs and was created due to a special need at the time. Now it will be 8-4 to suit our sceduling needs. But it just so happens that the position was created with and fully integrated in our master schedule about 6 years ago and was one of the main reasons I agreed to give in and go full time with these monolithic scumbags. In fact it is special needs that make them want to “eliminate” it. Not alter it due to temporary needs as would normally be done and as I was asked to do, but “eliminate.” But if our master schedule is changed this should call for a rebid of the entire programs schedule with me as second highest in seniority having a chance to make some people very unhappy.
But this is not what they want to do. They want to circumvent all this to make an unjustifiable change just to screw me as revenge for speaking up against their unethical O.T. practices recently and for refusing to willingly change that 10-6 to the 8-4 they are changing it to now. I told them a few weeks ago I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t trust them to keep it temporary and was in no mood to help and was in my rights to demand a months notice of the need. I said give me a mandate with my months notice and I’ll do it. But I’m not going to indefintely do so. But the civil service mafia would have none of me dictating or refusing their needs de jour so I get a taste of their hateful passive aggressive ways.
But there is no need for it. I worked over the scedule and found no way this is saving them on overtime which would be the only justification. The need that was there when they asked me is gone now. What this is is V for Vandetta and it almost made me do some bad shite at work tonight.
I’ve wanted to quit before but never been as close as I am now. Problem is I can’t afford it and have a partially dependent father to consider. This is a lesson for kids to go to school early in life and stay there until they have enough credentials to not have to put up with mediocre scumbags with so little joy and identity that they have to manufacture it through hierarchical cliques that give the illusion of elevation by squashing those around them.
And of course all their passive aggressive slights are someone elses fault. As I opened the letter today the manager of the house was already blaming someone else named Shaune, herself a product of agency insleeping and favoritism like so many, who has been rewarded with some newly created scheduling sinecure. Just like the managers stealing O.T. from staff was the coordinator and team leaders fault for making him. On and on it goes. I phoned the union and left a message. No one available until Monday. We’ll see where that goes but if history is any guide it wont help much. The manger already warned me today that our CSEA rep is close to this Shaune woman. I will mention this to my rep and tell her she is dirty if true, or more likely that Wayne the manager is playing more mafioso games to scare me off grieving this. It’s the kind of silly ass high school mentality I have to put up with regularly. And quite frankly, and maybe even arrogantly, I’m just not operating on that level and have a real hard time being around those who are, whether personally or professionaly.
Jesus people is there any one outside of a few radicals out in the wilds who want to raise the bar on our behavior, ethics, responsiblity, decency, justice, or honesty? I guess it starts at the top and when we have a political landscape like we have now, and to some extent have always had-though these guys are like caracatures-why should we think that people with less importance adn who make less of a difference would be capable of taking their game to another level. It makes me absolutely crazy! Am I too sensitive? You make the call. I just don’t know how to make the throbbing go away.
And what kind of name is Wayne for a person anyway? There’s only 1 real consonant in there since W is a consonant the way ketchup is a vegetable. It’s such a wishy washy amorphous name which fits him and his feminine energy perfectly. And the self denial is really amazing. Just a couple of weeks agao as i complained about the lack of ethics in the agency and what a manager of very disreputable history and character in another program may have done to sabotage someone he doesn’t like in our place, he sat there agreeing and shaking his head at how bad it is really having no conception of being part of the problem after the better part of two years of stealing our money, uncountable lies and contradictions to all of us, a personal relationship with a woman he’s showing very unprofessional and unethical favoritism towards, and taking our credit and making us appear incompetent to make him and this other woman appear brilliant.
But I really dont think he sees it that way. I guess very few bad people do. No one sees the bad when its them. They see the reasons. The rationalizations. I honestly think people like this are too weak minded for introspection or perspective. Sort of like our president with a small p.
Speaking of which how does he go from saying he’ll veto any blocking of the port deal with Dubai by Congress, to saying a couple of days later he just heard about this deal?
This whole deal is another piece of proof that this administration doesn’t take a terrorist threat against the U.S. seriously and has in fact been using the idea and planting the fear post 9-11 to get away with murder. 9-11 was a fluke people. They let their guard down and know normal pre Bush type security and intelligence measures will keep another such event from happening. I said it then and I’m reaffirming it now. I’ll accept your apologies later after another mountain of evidence exists to back me up.
Besides the fake terror alerts choreographed to divert attention at key times, and the fact that we took all these resources away from Afhganistan where there was an actual connection to terrorists and put them in Iraq which had none until we let them in, you’ve also got a refusal to make private airlines, nuclear reactor and port area companies take responsibility and put some money into securing these supposedly vulnerable spots and the administrations refusal to start a dept of Homeland Security that when forced to do so they employed with cronies and incompetents and seriously underfunded. But now they want to let a company from the United Arab Emirates watch our ports.
These are the same countries that supported the Taliban, funnel nuclear components to Iran and N Korea, laundered money to 9-11 hijackers, and maybe this is the only part that really matters, are major funders of our stock market and economy. A CNN poll today said respondents felt Bush puts commercial interests ahead of security to a rate of 98%. Votes from the White House and Congress could easily account for that lunatic fringe 2% who apparently think this administration has got it going on.
And get this, There was a report that Bush is all proud that he got the Arab company to agree to cooperate in any potential investigations in return for their getting the contract.
Uhhh, shouldn’t this be par for the course. We’re giving you billions of dollars and we got to get them to give a little to be subject to us cheking into whether or not they are maybe shipping Al-Queda cells into the country or laundering money back to Osama bin Laden? What kind of bitch to the Arab world is Bush? The Arab world is a large 30 to life con sharing a cell with a pissant incestual pedophile with a lisp. We call that incestual pedophile George Bush. The Arabs call him their bitch.
As Aimee Mann sang, along with much of the cast of Magnolia, It’s not going to stop until you wise up. And I’m not just talking about our country but my own aforementioned issues.
It makes me want to scream. It made me throw a chair at work. Well not throw. It was a rolling chair in the office and I slammed-slid it across the room pretty hard. Still. I’m not sure if I can stay sane amongst all these disapointing people. Maybe I’m doomed to be disappointed always because I’m too sensitive and my expectations are too high. I would counter that anyone who feels expecting complete honesty, non-hypocrisy, an ability to make rational decisions that deny self interest when others are involved, is too much, has set their own standards too low. But they’re also probably happier than i am.
But I can’t let it go. I’m disillusioned and hurt by what i see around me. I’m Hamlet without a kingdom or a false king to blame…well except for the false king we have in the White House…my sense of idealism and desire at war with my means and my birthright. I even dated a crazy person like he did. She didn’t kill herself though she claimed she stood on that bridge in Mt Marion many years ago poised to jump. But she was also a pathological liar. Seems to be alot of them around. Alot of children in adult bodies causing adult harm because they are afraid of growing up and growing old, and growing dead. I am too. But you can’t lie your way to immortality. But that’s the rationalist in me. And it feels like I’m dying alone out here.
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