Archive for the 'Humor' Category

The Dude Posts Random Thoughts In A Particular Order And Continues Referring To Himself In The Third Person, A Phenomenon For Which He May Be Blaming The Boondocks

In order of most important? Alphabetical? Funniest?

No.

The following thoughts are listed in the order most likely to save the world.

Begin:

Two fairly hyped comedies have come out the past week. Both were pretty well reviewed as these things go. I speak of Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. I’ve seen them both. And I have to say if, as has been put forth by writers of greater acclaim than I (meaning they were acclaimed at all), these are the funniest movies of the past year, I think it is no wonder I don’t laugh much anymore.

THis should probably make me feel good. I was worried my life had stripped me of whatever receptivity to humor as well as ability to engender laughter I had. But maybe it’s not me. Maybe there just really isn’t anything all that funny out there. If this is the apex than Sweet Bloody Christ-Stick we’re an unfunny people.

I guess it’s possible the worried about decaying of my own sense of humor and wit could be responsible for not thinking these movies are brilliant comedies. But I still think I have some review chops and good instincts left over even if I lack the hope, meaning, and purpose that used to drive them. And these aren’t great movies. And judging by the crowds I saw them with I wasn’t the only one not prostrate with guffaws.

And if you’ve ever been prostrated by a case of the guffaws you know what a bittersweet affliction this can be.

Now neither of these flicks was horrid. Pineapple Express is a stoner comedy from the Freaks And Geeks alumni associated with Judd Apatow. It’s in that vain. Apatow’s movie’s themselves have been acclaimed as the great comedies of our time. THis generation’s John Hughes.

If so I weep for the future.

That’s a line from a Hughes movie by the way. If 10 people read this maybe 3 will have known that. If they are under 30 probably none of them will.

But who cares? Life moves on. Moves pretty fast even. Fine. But still if these movies are someday looked at as the Breakfast Clubs or Ferris Bueller’s of their time I gotta think we’re missing something and great comedy may now only be found on You Tube and Fox News.

And perhaps at the Country Music Awards.

Seriously, just the idea it. Awards for the best Country music!

Shit that’s funny stuff.

Anyhow, Apatow’s Superbad was very well thought of last year along with Knocked Up. Both were ok. Really, really ok. But Knocked Up was pretty boring upon a second viewing on cable recently and Superbad rarely prostrated me. It was a mostly guffawless experience even if a modestly pleasant one. It’s pleasantness I suspect was mostly due to Michael Cera who kicks all kinds of ass and who deserves to fuck every starlet in Hollywood starting with Megan Fox who he should impregnate and then force to give the baby up to Angelina Jolie in return for Cera letting Jolie fuck him too.

Speaking of him, Juno even got an Oscar bid. Solid movie. Labeled a comedy. But again, not especially a prostrating experience. Same goes of those I watched it with in a theater in Rheinbeck. And if anyone knows comedy it’s the 6 figure salaried folks of Rhinebeck god damn it! I mean their Hannaford is so freaking clean and stately it’s got to be some kind wry ironic joke. These are a gifted people. And yet there was just appreciative chuckles.

Chuckles i say.

But I heard Juno talked of as a Say Anything for this generation. And I could kind of see that. But I still couldn’t help thinking this is sad. Say Anything wasn’t hilarious but it’s eternally quotable. Will youngsters today be quoting Juno 20 years from now? Probably not. They’ll have their work cut out for them just keeping track of all Michael Cera’s love children as they start coming of age and impregnating starlets at an exponential rate that future mathematicians will have to come up with a formula to track. This formula will feature the critical equation MC= S x F squared where MC is Michael Cera and S and F starlets and fucking that Cera has done.

Squared.

And at a velocity to be determined by his mass at the time.

If you know what I mean.

Anyway, back to recent well received comedies. I saw the first Harold And Kumar movie recently. Netflixed it.

With all these recent comedy viewings of mine you can probably tell by now that I have been pretty desperate to find something to laugh about here. And laugh I did. Occasionally. And decidedly without prostration.

When the fuck is someone going to do something to my prostrating needs!?

But the White Castle movie was still pretty damn formulaic and the humor nothing all that special. And yet it, along with the aforementioned comedies are highly thought of. At least for their time. So that’s why I wonder if we’re in unfunny times and if that’s contributing to my inability to form a smile.

______________________

Anyway I will touch on the Tropic Thunder controversy and say that protesters, and this includes my old agency UG-ARC (as I found out tonight from a friend who works there), are really a bunch of whiny ass liberals without any sense of humor.

Now this may sound hypocritical in light of the previous passages of this post as well as my own ill formed attempts at humor in said post. But these people haven’t even seen the movie. It’s really not taking shots at retarded people. It’s making fun of Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, and all the other pretty boy actors who turn in sugar coated version of the mentally retarded that have little to do with reality. But of course ours is a culture that deals in reality the way a cat deals with a mouse: pounce on it, kill it, consume the evidence and call it a meal.

Or something more analogous.

People don’t want truth and Hollywood is glad to not give it to them.

But some of these self involved do gooders want to sway people from seeing a movie because they’re more liberal about retarded people now than about free speech. The Simple Jack and whole “full retard,” segment was one of the few truly funny and observant aspects of the movie and these idiots want it removed!

So is all me or are we dispossessing ourselves of real humor? Did Carlin take it with him? Fuck even he wasn’t always that funny. But he prostrated me at times and damn it what more can a man ask of another?

Back to retarded people: I frakking work with these people. Manage a program of 10 of them. I truly care for some of these guys. Have affection for them even. And the “full retard,” segment with Robert Downey Jr and Ben Stiller rang true and was damn straight on funny. Also echoed things I’ve said about Hollywood depictions of the mentally disabled.

And let me just say this now that I bring him up: Robert Downey Jr is the most watchable actor in film. Bar none. He rocks. Without him this movie would have been a total waste of time. The other great moment came with his “For 400 hundred years,” speech to the other black actor, an actor probably destined to be known as that other black actor despite being the only black actor. This in itself is a bit of genius that redeems a movie that needed more funny and less blowing things up.

Speaking of good parts. Pineapple Express’s crucifixion joint was pretty funny. So was “Fuck Jeff Goldblum.” A few other things as well, but this still wasn’t as good as an episode of Freaks And Geeks of which this could have been a mini reunion of with just the two freaks Rogen and Franco getting together and possibly not remembering that they hung out together in school and had a band before one became a seller of weed and the other a process server who smokes a lot of it.

But is was ok. And that seems to be good enough today. I’m ok, you’re ok, we’re all ok. But I don’t feel ok and though I’m not prepared to blame this on Seth Rogen or Ben Stiller, or even that Kumar fellow who was a terrorist on 24, I am serving notice.

___________

Journey taught us how to love. Indeed how to believe. And what have we given them? Nothing.

I think this is wrong and I intend to do something about it. Sometime in the future you’ll be hearing more from me about the Journey Fund. It’s a non profit set up I’m creating to give back.

To Journey.

I’m hoping to pass out donation baskets at concerts and then move on to movie theaters. Hopefully we’ll even get a big advertising spot somewhere in Fenway Park.

Because it’s about time.

For god’s sake they had to regroup, make another album with new material, and go on tour. Without Steve Perry!

And the new guy sounds just like him!

This a tantamount to the pagan worship of other gods and false idols. Thou shalt not worship other Steve Perry’s. It has been written. Or should have been. At least on a bathroom stall somewhere or something. The movie can’t go on and on and on without Perry. He wrote the fucking movie!

Clearly these are musicians in need for they have resorted to desperate measures that may doom us all.

So when the collection basket comes around won’t you please welcome it with open arms before we go our separate ways?

_______________

Been watching 2nd season Boondocks and it’s seriously fucking with my mind. I’m walking around talking about stacking my paper, my hoes, and having to fight very big urges to greet people at work with, “what up my nigger?” I don’t want to be one of these appropriators of black culture that the show itself as well as RDJ sort of make fun of in Tropic Thunder. But god damn it’s cool like a motherfucker up in here!

________________

Speaking of tv there are some new shows I’ve discovered a bit late in the game but have caught up on or am catching up on. One is Mad Men. Pretty heavy look at the world of the early 60′s to this point and the insides of a Madison Ave advertising agency and the people who work there. THe show is that kind of show where you may not want to watch because it sounds boring but when you start watching you can’t stop. It’s riveting the way a peep hole is riveting. It’s like listening in on the lives of real people you sort of wish you were but who wish they weren’t.

Entourage. About to start it’s 5th season next month I’ve been catching up. After initially watching most of season 1 a year or so back and not getting into it all that much I’ve become a bit addicted to it during the run of watching seasons 2-4. Really fun show with a nice whiff of realism. And Jeremy Piven is the man as Ari. Ari should be Michael Cera’s agent and help sign him to lucrative deals to fuck and impregnate starlets. Because that’s what Michael Cera needs to do and Ari would understand this and get it done.

The Wire. Still on the first season. Really well written as far as realistic dialog and situations. It does seem a bit pretentious in its disdain for conventional drama at times. I mean, I want a little entertainment value. if I didn’t I’d go try and become a Baltimore cop.

I do see why it got such critical acclaim though and appreciate it for those reasons. But I can also see why no one watched it and it didn’t get nominated for any Emmys. But I’m still early in to it and if there is one person out there who reads this and decides to wait to get into it until after The Dude has passed final judgement, i will try to not let you down.

____________________–

And back to the greatness of Robert Downey Jr. In a recent interview he had the following to say about The Dark Knight:

“My whole thing is that that I saw ‘The Dark Knight’. I feel like I’m dumb because I feel like I don’t get how many things that are so smart. It’s like a Ferrari engine of storytelling and script writing and I’m like, ‘That’s not my idea of what I want to see in a movie.’ I loved ‘The Prestige’ but didn’t understand ‘The Dark Knight’. Didn’t get it, still can’t tell you what happened in the movie, what happened to the character and in the end they need him to be a bad guy. I’m like, ‘I get it. This is so high brow and so f–king smart, I clearly need a college education to understand this movie.’ You know what? F-ck DC comics. That’s all I have to say and that’s where I’m really coming from.”

Agree or disagree this guy is awesome and should have lots of babies. IF he were a woman he would be a perfect genetic incubator for Michael Cera DNA. But he, at the last, is a man. And a magnificent one who must merely stand side by side with Cera as sexual avatars of our humorless age.

George Carlin Is Dead

We’ve lost a few notables lately but this one hit me harder than the rest. Harder then even I would have guessed. Tim Russert’s death bothered me, Sydney Pollack’s was regrettable, but in Carlin I’ve lost a kindred spirit with all apologies to George for even bringing spirit into any discussion about him.

But as he would have pointed out himself, who cares, he’s dead. He’ll never know.

I remember getting HBO as a kid and stumbling onto Carlin’s concerts. It was like finding verbal porn without the scrambling. Not just because he cursed either but because there was a guy who spoke in ways I could understand. I got him. Even when I was young I had the sense of hearing someone speaking honestly for one of the few times in my life to that point. I was always sensitive to the bullshit around me right there in my own family and I looked forward to every new Carlin HBO concert like an old friend passing through town who was one of the few people I could really talk to and understand.

I remember having this idea as a teen that golf courses and cemeteries were a stupid waste of space and that they should be torn up for the homeless. Then shortly thereafter a new Carlin HBO special came along and he did a routine about both and of doing just that. It solidified whatever specious link to the guy I thought I had. He probably wouldn’t have suffered my stupidity more than anybody else but in my mind there were a lot of parallels in our thought and a mutual understanding. And as he would have probably agreed, all we probably really have is what’s in our head.

When I was an altar boy I stood on the alter of a mostly empty church but for a few other altar boys and less than holy malingerers and actually used the mic to do a couple of Carlin lines. As well as some show tunes. I think George would have appreciated that.

Now we live in a comedic world that embraces Cable Guys named Larry and Jeff Foxworthy. Just one more reason I wish I were young again. And George Carlin was still here.

Carlin got a little mean the past few years, still had the edge but lost a bit of the smoothness and humor. Can’t say as I blame him. Besides the state of the world he had suffered longer than I, he had lost his wife about a decade ago.

Got to wonder why he didn’t look harder for her though.

See that’s the kind of thing he’d say if someone mentioned losing a loved one. He was a died in the wool atheist. He went on about the platitudes people throw out there when someone dies. I agreed though I sometimes give in due to societal pressure and use some of those banal death tropes myself. He said that after someone said, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” after a death he’d say, “Sure, you want to come on over and paint the garage?”

And his views on god have been irrefutably proven the past week. When Russert and Carlin go and Bill O’Reilly and Amy Winehouse live on any intelligent god either doesn’t exist or sucks so much it isn’t worth my notice.

He loved language and used it in his comedy artfully. He loved truth and hated bullshit and he cut right through the latter to try and mine the former for whatever humor and relevance it contained. He’s gone now and he himself wouldn’t want anyone saying silly shit like he’s looking down on us or he’ll always be in our hearts. Probably the best testimony I can give is that I feel like running out and buying a bunch of his comedy albums. That’s the only immortality he thought possible and unlike most of us, he achieved it.

From classics like the 7 Words, the Baseball-Football comparison, and our accumulation of stuff, to his more esoteric and harder to handle material, I will continue to listen.

Dude Haiku’s For The Day III

Sad to lack Croutons
Bread turds ferrtilizing me
Salad without hope

Tax time nears for me
Duty as a citizen
Stop blowing things up

The nurse laughs with me
Always get along with them
This ones taken too

Immune to your barbs
Implications turned around
I look deep do you?

Should I stay or go?
Train in vain I look for you
Tea can’t cure the pain

Sleepwalking through life
Alert to need to change this
Want to get more sleep

Clowns haunt from inside
funny until they kill you
tears are painted on

Sickness in the air
Caughing caughing everywhere
When it stops what next?

Aliens in heads
Left by galactic warlord
Tom Cruise is crazy

Dude Haiku’s For Today II

New year to begin
Stop this and start again now
Again and again

Still I feel she longs
Introverted and needing
She longs not for me

Interprative law
Flexible morality
This is how Bush wins

Expectations met
Giants need win no more games
At least Eli sees

Eli and defense
can not win now, seasons end
need win no more games

Pain of works return
Searched for escape in the dark
Five days to wipe ass.

Medicate their pain
Work to make the numbness mine
Depakote smells good.

Stupid girl is smart
Stupidly ignoring me
How stupid am I?

Lies for all to eat
Regurgitate his thoughts
See god in the puke.

Listening for us
Destroying them to save them
Evildoers here.

Dude Haiku’s For Today

Her indifference
Shattering to my being
Oh well, never mind.
_________

Impeach his ass now
Happiness is his demise
Feel good Scahudenfreud
_________

Psychosis takes forms
Most often seen in church
Moorings lost at sea
__________

The eye that throbs once
Better then the eye throbbing
over and over
____________

The year of the end
Cyclical spiral of time
What time is it now
___________

Lonely is the wind
It makes its case without form
Try blowing yourself

Love actually
Is not a movie but death
Her indifference

Me, Me, Me!

Well another work week is done. as I add up the holiday pay for working Xmas ( I do really prefer calling it that than invoking the C word which conjures up very silly comic book notions), and as I total the overtime hours worked, sum the social value of time spent with my coworkers as opposed to sitting alone in front of a computer typing posts, reading about the world, reading free stuff at barnes & noble, or working on fictional stuff, I wonder how far out of whack the balance sheet is. And more importantly I’m not sweating it because it’s time to do like Mr Plant said and Ramble On!

It’s 4:30 a.m. and I just spent an hour or two on a political post as I sit here listening to Green Day’s American Idiot thinking about how I’m not even trying to sleep despite not having had a decent nights sleep since wednesday night/Thursday morning (it’s monday/tuesday now), and yet I make no effort to stop reading, writing, or listening. I’d rather download the Beastie Boys than end the cycle of bad sleep habits. And I wonder if bad sleep habits and lack of nocturnal discipline could be a key symptom of a bigger problem. Am I too self indulgent despite all that I deny myself?

No need to ponder long kiddies. The answer is who cares!

I’m evolving and you cant stop me! Tossers!

This is a new thing with me now. Cursing in English. But Mark, or Dude you might even say, are not fuck and shit English words? Well sure, but I’m talking about England’s English. I’m getting back to our roots and will from now on be hurling alot of bloodies, and bollukses at the world. not that I’m a big curser. Generally I don’t use alot of profanity, almost never around kids or women, but I do like to let it out at times, feeling more comfortable doing it around no more than a handful of people. THere is still the time and place for a strategic f bomb, but even those few accustomed to hearing me let one fly now and again can start dealing with this harsh new reality that will probably cause many to call me pretentious more than they already do. And to them all I can say is bugger off you wankers!

Back to the original point of this incoherent rambling. I’ve been dead tired all weekend and now I can finally have 2 or 3 days to sleep peacefully and I’m getting stupid to the B Boys Open Letter To NYC (sweet ny tune full of great new yorker gets like 1010 Wins and Live At Five), and alternately wondering if I’m killing valuable braincells and hours of my life at work, if I should resume my After The Ennui story and where I might go with it now, how are the Mets going to get some pitching to make a real run, was the ending of American Psycho implying Patrick Bateman imagined much or all of what he did, If not how’d it all get cleared up, should I try this other idea as a screenplay or short story, why my vocabulary has diminished the past few years and what I can do to get it back, will this new info about the woman I’ve been crushing on make a difference, why are the Ramones so damn catchy, is Eli making any real progress and who the Giants are likely to lose to in the playoffs 2 weeks from now, how could I have eaten so many damn sweets the past few days, what should I do if the crazy one shows up again someday, I must smell not having showered since Sunday morning (this is not a common practice ladies), life on the road, houses in the area, this strange new growing calm and security regarding women, whether to go to school next semester or not, how I wish I could have a dog, can I grow spirit, how much evolving has been done and wiring changed in my brain and how much can realistically still be done with a 38 year old brains hard wiring, how I have patterns too, how Pedro isn’t going to hold up for another season, do i want to go see Saryana at mall or Rosendale if I go one of the next 2 nights, how something good is due and I have the power and sanctioning from something higher, how full of shit (excuse me, shite), that might be, how I can’t wait for 24 on the 15th, how guilty I should feel over that concerning how right wing the show often is if you really think about, how at least I’ve changed some patterns and understand them so have precedent, how I may just not sleep anymore and suffer the consequences and benefits, how I’m probably going to sleep so damn late tomorrow and have to jump right out of here and head for Kingston to errand and enjoy some civilization at B&N, the Rangers bubble seems to be bursting as inevitably it would in the face of tougher competition, will Dem’s go hard at Scalito, isn’t this White Phosphorous thing also impeachable, Giants defense just isn’t good enough and too battered now anyway and they may not even beat Oakland new years eve to get division crown, and should I stay and work until 9 saturday and volunteer to screw myself as I got screwed Xmas eve which is probably good, and what I need is a good football party/new years eve thing but know no Giants fans, how I miss Manhattan so bloody much, will Al Franken make a good Senator if he runs, Missouri, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Minnesota, Montana, and Ohio can all go Democrat in November if they start making some smart calls and then in the name of god impeach the fucker (f bomb warranted and entirely appropriate there and in most matters dealing with Bush administration, i need more exercise beyond the half hour on treadmill at work tonight (and I still didnt shower for the love of god), and how do i get this Br’er Rabbit thing off here, and do I get evolving spiritual points for my living arrangements, and how if i could teach the world to sing in perfect harmony I’d get a really awesome metal ballad thing going because metal ballads taught us how to cry and we could use a good cry right about now even though the musical era that best defines me and that I am most kindred with is early 90′s grunge era Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and such and how I dont think there’s been a solid musical movement since and will I live to see or hear another one especially considering I could be deaf oneday, and how she talks to rainbows, she talks to trees, she talks to angels, she don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, what in the name of sweet dancing moses ever happened to Phoebe Cates, will I stay with arc in some capacity when Will heads to Mexico in June and I’ll miss the kid, I hope Jeff’s surgery goes well and he starts getting some satisfaction physically, is my dad sad alot, look out!-dodge that regret! serenity now! so many memorable lines and phrases from Seinfeld, tv show list needs to written, should watch or read High Fidelity again, did Mary Ellen ever see Say Anything and everyone should though I’m not sure everyone likes it as much and did anyone get me referencing it with my title post recently, and does anyone get me, I’m so advanced and operating on higher levels, and oh shite what an arse I am so just stop cause nobody knows better than me what a simpleminded jack off i can be even if ido have rare moments of brilliance not related to post titles, Phoebe Cates was so damn irresistably cute and sexy, bet the Mets are glad they listened to me and kept Wright, why dont they listen more, I think the H on my channel 120 stands for Hitler channel rather than History since most stuff on there goes back to him so much of the time, damn that Davinci Code trailer looked good Opie, I friggin forgot to tape Arrested Development tonight and hope it wasn’t on and I’m part of the problem not the solution with saving this show, will Radiohead make a good album ever again, Phoebe where are you! Barry was more than a man he was a Man-Illow and he was doing ok but not really well life going along as it should, its all very nice, but not very good.

Bush’s Plan

From The A.P.P.

In an address to the nation tonight President George W Bush announced a 4 point plan for, “restoring and repopulating New Orleans.” After days of consulting with, “cherished advisors”, Bush declared, “a vision for New Orleans,” meant to make it, “a city on a hill,” after the famous St Augustine vision of the city of God. An outline for his plan provided to the press elaborates on this further. It involves the literal building of “large platforms built on man made hills.” The document goes on to explain that this, “will protect its inhabitant from future flooding.” “It’ll be higher up,” the President said during his speech. “Get it? Water won’t reach them up on that high ground up there. America is the land of the high ground and we need to change the topography to reflect that.”

The President plans to have the populace of this literal city on a hill to come from those inhabitants that never got out, “Engaging in the kind of fruitful multiplication the Bible encourages us to engage in.” He went on to say, “If everybody engages in this Biblical kind of intercourse, with a committed and renewed vigor and passion, we can repopulate New Orleans from within with the luxory of time to build that hill and the buildings that will go on top of it.”

As for those displaced by the flooding the President wants to employ them in “Project Noah.” This will entail these people being paid to work in rounding up two of every animal and sending them into New Orleans on boats, or arks, that will reach the growing city by the time the foundations are laid for the hill. The press release explains that considering that there are millions of species of animals there will be no shortage of work for a long time.

What’s more, the current waters of Lake Pontchartrain will be retained so that everyone on the city on the hill will have waterfront property, “thus dispelling any of this talk about inequality in the area.” Alluding to the Biblical story in which Noah’s son Ham sees his father naked and is punished for his shame by fathering the race of dark skinned people, the President joked, “Now we can, you know, make that mistake right again. I mean seeing his father naked. That was regrettable.”

The President added at the end of his address: “We have before us an opportunity to create an Eden and in doing so need look no further for its blueprint than the book which made that glorious place seem so real.” He went on to explain why this meant that local churches would oversee the building and fund it through donations from parishioners who will in turn be paid by those churches. The Federal Government will provide the seed money tax free to these local institutions until, “Market forces kick in there and restore things to the economic order God intended.”

In closing Mr Bush said, “A new world was once created out of the ruins of a flood. It’s bad. I’m not denying that. Water is bad. When there’s too much of it. But it’s still God’s and we need to remember that god has blessed America and would not provide us with so much water unless he wanted us to use it. We will not let this opportunity to build a big hill and, you know, alot of good views and things lucky people get to do normally, boating and the like, go by without making something great of it. Lemonade. America has made alot of lemonade out of lemons, and you know, you can’t make lemonade without water and there’s lots’ of that there now.”