The end has come for me and my run on Ill-literates.
The reasons are many.
Numero uno I guess is just the cost. Been shelling out too much money lately what with moving and I may be looking at doing it again down the road. I can’t justify another $65-75 to occasionally spout off about Bush, religion, the mets or my life. Or whatever.
But there are other reasons.
I’m also thinking about going offline. The internet has gotten boring and takes time from reading books and magazines which I enjoy more and don’t do enough of. Without it I can get rid of phone service altogether except for my cell phone. Maybe I’ll pop over to Pantera or Barnes & Noble for the free WiFi occasionally. But I haven’t decided for sure if I’ll go that far. It depends on some of the other things I’ll list after this.
I’m also feeling on the dark side about the point of all this. My venting or opining for the most part to myself on here I mean. If I’m going to write something I should concentrate on bigger things. But I’m also starting to wonder about priorities. The management gig gets very consuming at times and I’m starting to wonder if I should just surrender and let it consume me. I mean at least it’s a purpose and sometimes a good cause that makes some lives a bit better and I can’t say that about the internet, my writing, or my personal life. So maybe it’s time to become one of those workaholic drones I always pittied. Maybe they had no choice in the end and at least gave themselves to something to escape the void rather than just drift towards it with nothing but the blackness their whole lives.
I could of course surrender myself to Jesus and have that going for me but there is no surrendering to lies once you’ve seen truth.
Ironically Jesus freaks say similar things.
But its like the saying once you’ve been to the city you can’t go back to the sticks. OR however the saying goes. You get my point. Plus the religioso don’t have proof and contradict themselves all the time. But that’s the historical difference between the city and the rural areas. The cities have always been the breeding ground of ideas and change because its where knowledge congregates. Natural selection takes place at a faster rate there and good ideas will out because of necessity.
Ok I got in one last shot at the evil of religion so i’m done with that.
But speaking of the city I’m wondering about whether I should go back. Or if I should have ever left. Just more to get lost in there. More diversions. Not an option right now with my father. That’s a whole other tale I’m not prepared to face but will have to at some point in the future. Even Florida is in the picture now. But location is not the central factor as much as myself and a need to take further stock and do something more or better.
I’m still reluctant about this other surrender to work and a civil service career. It’s not what I want exactly. There are so many dissatisfied people I see who much like myself are this way because they’re not doing what they want to do or don’t have the means to fit their youthful expectations. And when it comes to my generation and younger we grew up fed alot of expectations through all the media outlets we’ve had and living in times relatively free from any real turmoil that had to shift our focus realistically and practically such as depressions and world wars tend to do.
I’m even considering a second job. At least it’ll keep me out of the house and on the streets and hold the terrifying future at bay just a while longer while giving me more money to play with. I’m not ruling out writing more instead. Not all the decisions are made. But turning 40, becoming middle management, and moving with my worst fears of life in Kingston realized so quickly has made me take stock. And my stocks aren’t worth a whole lot. So i need change and if I can’t change it all the way I want maybe I just need to change what I can and try to be a bit less bored and commit to something instead of nothing even if its something I don’t want to be entirely committed to.
I should have had these realizations many years ago but I didn’t. Can’t say the warnings weren’t there. From teachers, after school specials, to Mrs Garret and the Facts Of Life Girls, the information was there but I drifted to 40 uncommitted to anything except some vague notions of knowledge for its own sake and acting like an evolved being rather than showing my Monkey side. Well take it from me that’s not a life. Stay in school. Find a focus. Take care of your body. Find a nice girl your reasonably but perhaps not overwhelmingly attracted to, root for the Yankees, earn and save for a house, be creative, make it happen with hard work and don’t wait for stuff to happen, and stay in touch with your family because they have to put up with you when there is no one else as long as you’re not a complete fuck-up.
As warped as they are some conservatives understand some fundamental truths about human nature.
I’d still keep the site in the mix. It’s not like it’s all consuming or anything. But we are up against our renewal in a matter of days and its simply a matter of timing and money. I hope Bob can find a way to keep it going. If so I’ll be by from time to time to comment. But it’s not a priority and I’ve thrown away enough money recently. And I’m looking at a house in the next day or two. Probably wont be buying now. Maybe not be doable ever. But I have to be careful in case. And as I said I may make that complete switch from an attempt as a balanced life including being “cool not too invested but good supervisor guy,” to jumping in completely. I fear that choice. But I also fear the potential consequences of continuing like this because there is no balance or solace at home or play. At least work is there though stepping down from management is also a possibility. I do like some of the perks including the scheduling many weeks but ironically that’s another element that may have come too late in life to fully enjoy. I mean at this point alot more weekend time and evening time off is just not doing anything but reminding me that there are no supports for all the stresses at work.
So I’m still a bit confused but I do know I need to make changes and alas they want our money now not later. And I can not contribute for what feels like literary masturbation much of the time.
So goodbye kiddies and keep not commenting or not reading or whatever it is you’re not doing. I no longer have anything to give for my country.
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