Daily Archive for February 22nd, 2007

Cell Phone Rules And My Solemn Vow

Published on February 22, 2007 in ..The Dude, Irritations, Life and The Ill-Literates. 3 Comments

I finally gave in and purchased a cell phone today. I did it mainly due to work and being an assistant manager (or Ass Man), but I also want to get some fun private usage out of this puppy so that I might continue to feel self important and popular in and out of work. So I’m encouraging all phone handy people to call me at 845 ******* even if they have nothing to say.

Even if you just want to talk dirty to me by all means call.* Even when I’m at work. Preferably when I’m at work. I want to put the ass into Ass Man and together we can do that at 845 *******. If you just want to call to celebrate me I won’t be offended and will celebrate right along with you.

Just want to hear my voice?

I don’t blame you. And I will let you hear it. Especially on weekends and after 9 p.m.

I’ll let you hear my voice m-f before 9 as well but I do have a regular phone at home and at work so lets not overdue it here since I’ve got something like 500 minutes during those weekday hours every month.

This brings me to my vow. I think there should be rules when it comes to cell phone usage. I got into some of my issues with this on a blog of mine that proved so wildly popular people were too entertained and intimidated to comment on it. Except dear Brandon of course who is not allowed to call me to talk dirty unless Lost or Battlestar Gallactica and Grace Park somehow tie into it.

But it touched on my first and most important rule. Which is to not have conversations so that everyone around me can hear me in public places.

Unless we’re talking dirty.

In which case I’ll be putting you on speaker phone you nasty, nasty girl you.

I promise not to become one of those people sitting in Barnes & Noble around others who are reading and sharing every detail of their lives as if there was no phone between them and the person on the other end and they feel they have to really belt it out.

I won’t walk up and down aisles in stores speaking so loudly everyone in the store, or even the aisle knows what I’m up to. They don’t care and I respect that about them.

The second rule that I promise to abide by is to not hold a finger up to anyone trying to talk to me while I’m on the phone. You know. Sticking up the index finger to signal they’ll be with you in a minute. Even though i’m deaf in the ear that will be exposed I won’t do that to people. This I promise.

I’m not making any promises about the middle finger though.

3rd Rule. No talking while on line or dealing with the public like at a counter at the supermarket. I won’t go through being being checked out while ignoring the person ringing up my purchase. This contemptuous crap is appalling and a breakdown of the rules of living in a society. I will not do this. No I will save my contempt for those in the public who have different political and religious views from me like our hominid founding fathers did when they settled this great land and did so without cell phones instead having to rely on witchcraft to communicate with each other.

4th Rule. I will not leave my ringer on when in a movie theater, restaurant, class, brothel, or any other place where people are trying to get a little privacy.

5. I will not spend my time when with people I know, like, or am attracted to, playing with my cell phone. This goes on far too much. People can’t keep their hands off these things in public. Stay home and play with your phone if that’s what you want to do. Don’t spend dinner with me or time at work playing with yourself. These things aren’t that fascinating. I kind of am. Get with the program. #

Rule 6. I pledge to not use the photo and video elements of my phone to take unsolicited photos of people, stick them under girls skirts, or ruin the careers of famous people with footage of them going on racists rants, dropping their babies, or any such salacious footage bound to excite the E Network.

This is all for now as far as rules. I believe these should be all be set into law. Perhaps at another time I’ll get into what the punishment should be for violating these rules.

Notice I didn’t put a rule in against talking while driving. This is because I did this on my way home an hour or so after buying it tonight. Otherwise this would have been a rule too. I’m not encouraging it. I’d prefer most of you don’t do it. I on the other hand have exceptional instincts, reflexes, and hand eye coordination and can handle this. I won’t do it in traffic though. Mainly open road. It gets boring driving you know. The cops may be able to ticket me but they can’t make you and me stop talking dirty to each other babies.*

Have a nice day.

* Women only on the dirty, dirty talk please.

#The phone is new to me so bear in mind I may play with it around you a little at first. Do not take offense. IF you are a women you may still talk to dirty to me at these times.

The Prince And The Obama Press.

Published on February 22, 2007 in ..The Dude, Politics and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

In another example of the Brits being better than us Prince Harry is going to Iraq. He’s following in the tradition of his father and grandfather who served in similar capacity. This differs from our tradion of chickenhawk pieces of shite like Cheney, one of a long line of warmongers using the military to further their political agendas while they and their families evade service.

Harry probably won’t see major action but he is a Troop Commander and has trained to command 11 soldiers and four Scimitar tanks so I don’t think he’ll be hiding in a bunker either.

This comes on the heels of Britain announcing a drawdown of troops leading to getting out in 2008. Latvia and some of other smaller countries like poland are following suit. Kindasleezy Rice said this was a sign of how good things were going in Iraq.

You know? That they felt they could leave now. Just not enough to do anymore what with the end of civil war and sectarian violence, the lack of ethnic cleansing, the draught between soldiers dying, the autonomous Iraqi police force running so efficiently, and the fully functioning democracy.

Nothing to see here people.

I bet she tells boyfriends she’s never masturbated too.
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Click here
to see a compilation of Faux News propaganda attempt to get an early start at undermining and mischaracterizing Obama. They’ve been going on about such things as his middle name being Hussein, his smoking cigerettes, and his time in Muslim school which they exaggerated.

I think maybe they’re a wee bit scared.

But they are laying off Hillary who herself seems more focused on criticizing Obama than the Bush administration or war. Besides this making her more dead to me than she was, and I think ultimately hurting her already doomed campaign, I think this is because Faux feels the same way I do about her chances. They want her clearing the Democratic field because like me, despite her overwhelming lead in the polls, Faux has gotten one thing right. Hillary Clinton has a snowballs chance in Dick Cheney’s office of getting anywhere near the White House ever again.

Unlike me I don’t think they believe she will be decimated in the Primaries. No one believes that. She has a huge lead in the polls I hear. Clear frontrunner. Obama is the only one with a shot and he’s still far behind if gaining.

Forget all that. She will barely get out of Iowa and N Hampshire a year from now. I’m probably going to be wrong about this but I’m sticking to it. Her campaign is an illusion.

And it seems Hollywood is very torn between her and their new wonderboy Barack. All this glitterati attention he’s been getting lately might actually hurt rhim. He’d better cut down on the gala fundraisers and hanging out with Spielberg and Aniston. Or Steviffer. Remember there are alot of loony hypocrits in the South and Midwest who hate Hollywood and all it represents even as they go see its mostly lousy movies and mimic fashions and trends hollywood advertises. So do the rest of us but we don’t then run around giving them the evil eye because they’re cock blocking Jesus.

But accept for the Hollywood stuff all this does kind of make me want to root for the guy. Even CNN pulled that Osama instead of Obama thing. So alot of people are scared of him. Of course that could mean he’ll wind up like MLK or Bobby Kennedy if he does get the nomination and looks like he could win.

But even that could be a nice wake up call for this country that sooner or later will get its reason to do as LBJ once feared they would and jump the fences and lynch their President.

But check out the link above. Amazing and important issues raised there like “would you vote for a smoker?” And Faux News is the self imposed “Home of the 2008 election,” as the disgusting puss brained blonde on the video points out at least twice.