Monthly Archive for January, 2007

2008 And Operation Clean Up Has Begun

Published on January 31, 2007 in ..The Dude, Politics and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

Hillary’s running. Obama’s running. McCain’s losing ground. As far as we know Jeb Bush isn’t running. Ladies and gentlemen the race to lead us into the post Bush years, or OPeration Cleanup as they will surely come to be known, is on.

My choice remains Al Gore.

I cast my signature for Gore using the link in Angry Bob’s post somewhere down below this one. Do I think it will matter?

I doubt it.

Do I think he will run?

Probably not.

Would he win if hhe does?

I think so.

But I hold out hope he will go for it. There is this upswelling of support for the Goremeister. If he has the slightest inclination to run perhaps stuff like that which I signed will be part of the impetus. Gore has alot going for him. For one thing he’s already proven he can win a national election for President.

Maybe he didn’t do so well at defending it once the wolves tore the electoral process to shreds and conducted a coup de tat. But he won, if barely. And now we’ve got 8 years proving he was right about pretty much everything.

Unlike Hillary and Obama, Gore was outspoken against going into Iraq from the beginning. He predicted the chaos, quagmire and ciivil war that would follow. Clinton is going to have a hard time playing her equivocating games when it comes to this issue just as the retarded idiot John Kerry did.

Hillary is too polarizing and I think we’re tired of polarization. We’ve gone from a Bush to a Clinton and back to a Bush in the White House. Do we really want to keep swinging back and forth between these two families of our aristocratic divide?

I don’t think so. I’ll say it right here, right now. Hillary Clinton will never be President of the United States.

Never.

She has been posted as the frontrunner. All this does is confirm to me how little those pundits who cover this stuff really know. I’ll say this too: Not only will Hillary never be President, not only does she have no chance, but she has little to no chance of even getting the Democratic nomination. That’s right. The pundits frontrunner is a gimp and as we’ll see in a year or so, never had a chance. I neither like nor dislike Hillary even after declaring her dead to me a year or so ago as she started currying more favor with the kind of people i don’t respect and whom I suspect strongly she doesn’t respect either. But I suspect that lack of respect and phoniness will come through. It already has. Her at home internet announcement of her candidacy was so ridiculously artificial in its attempt to be warm and inviting as opposed to the cold and calculating Hillary image many have, it was like watching that T.V. hearth fire they used to play around Christmas. A whole lot of fire giving off no real warmth.

She’s a smart woman and I think a mostly well intentiioned one despite her sellouts. But I think this purported frontrunner is going belly up big time and rather quickly once the primary season begins. It sounds like an outlandish prediction at the moment but I’m sticking to it.

As for Obama I think the lack of experience will deter alot of people. But I do think he has a chance to be President someday. I doubt it will be 2008 though. Right now I’d give Bill Richardson more of a shot. Joe Biden, Tom Vilsack, John Edwards and a couple of others are in also. At this point I’d actually make Edwards my front runner if not my choice. I suppose if Gore doesn’t get in I could see throwing the much anticipated ill-literates endorsement Edwards way (at least my third of it).

Wesley Clark has a chance with me if not the rest of America as well. I’m not sure if he’s in yet or not. I do like Richardson though and right now would have to pull for him over Edwards though again I think Edwards has the edge and should be the favorite.

As for the Republicans Chuck Hagel is emerging due to his continued criticism of the war despite being very conservative and in lockstep with the administration on most other issues. McCain did horribly in recent polling in Iowa and New Hamp which are the two first and usually formative primary states a year from now. It seems I’m not the only one put off by his recent courting of the same fundamentalist base he used to make fun of as well as his pro Iraq stance and particularly a leading position in the escalation strategy. Plus he’s lying about it now. He had said he was calling for 20,000 more troops. Alot of people believed he did so because he didn’t think it would happen and he could be in a position to say i told you so or champion the road not taken as things continue to inevitably fail and still not contradict his original pro war vote. Then when Bush called for 20,000 more troops McCain started claiming we really need more like 50,000.

I used to respect McCain but included him in that same dead to me sentence I handed out for Hillary. For many of the same reasons.

But i still think he’d trounce Hillary if she got that far, which as I said, I don’t think she can. But I remain hopeful the Gorester will get back into things. He’s probably the only Democrat out there who could draw more funding for a campaign than Hillary. He was the only guy of note with the foresight to support Howard Dean from the getgo and he’d likely draw on Dean’s grassroots support and fundraising methods to go along with the built in support he’d already have.

He is nominated for an Oscar. I’m unsure of whether that will hurt him or not. I would like to see a Gore acceptance speech though my guess is that would be done by the Director and that Gore may not even be there. But with global warming becoming more and more of an issue and becoming more accepted to the point where even Bush has had no choice but to start copping to it, Gore stands as the perfect guy to represent on this growing issue. He’s been at the forefront of it for a long time and no one can question his expertise or committment to the issue. Damn it I’ll say it! He invented global warming. Yeah I wish he would have done more for the issue while serving as V.P. Yeah I’m not crazy about alot that he and Clinton did including their pro Nafta-corporate America positions. But the guy has the ability to bend to the facts and I think he’d see where some past policies have hurt us and need alteration.

And as far as the global warming thing goes the fight on this and other regulatory issues may come even more to the forefront positioning Gore as even more of a stalwart figure of defense. Bush just issued an executive order or directive naming political appointees to oversee regulatory agencies. This is seen as an attempt to gain more control of agencies like the EPA and OSHA and keep them from doing anything to hurt corporations who of course were publically jubilant after Bush’s announcement. This is combined with a House investigation right now led by Henry Waxman that has stated that there is evidence the administration has falsified and deliberately confused the debate on global warming and other science issues. They’re also withholding documented evidence on this topic though many scientists are on record saying their reports were altered to change the message or that they were forced to delete incriminating text.

And if we can get Gore in he can add the way-back machine to his list of inventions. Many of us want to erase the past few years and live the history we should have had. Of course what’s done is done. But installing the guy who should have won in 2000 and sent W into obscurity as he deserved sends a message to the world that we screwed up, we’re sorry, we’ll make things right again, our bad; but we we’re mislead by bad apples who are gone now. Forgive us.

And Gore really is a bright guy. Perhaps as smart as Bill Clinton. And man wouldn’t it be nice to have a President who can carry on a conversation and doesn’t speak with his mouth full when in a room full of foreign dignitaries and world leaders?

And by the way though I joke about it Gore never said he invented the internet or fiber optic cables. This is another case of right-wingers exploiting and twisting what he really said to make him seem like an idiot and the media willingly going along with it because it was easier than fact checking and more interesting to talk about than the truth.

I do question whether Gore could remain as cool and interesting outside of political office and campaigning as he has. I think he’s learned his lesson not to let himself be controlled and spun so much the real Gore doesn’t come through. But odds are he won’t have the temerity to run without handlers of some sort. And can he be the guy we know and love when the pressure to get votes is on or will he go all stiff and wooden again despite himself?

If he doesn’t run I could get into an Obama campaign. i have some issues with him I won’t get into here, but I like the guy and I’d like to have a black President. It could be as close to David Palmer as I’ll ever get. And I think we will have a black President before a female.

I’d like a female President too. I just don’t think there are any viable candidates out there for the role anytime soon. America may also be waiting for breakthrough hormonal medications before committing the country to a woman. This may be a gross and unfair prejudice but let’s face it very few men trust in most women’s emotional stability or toughness to lead the world. Women are still are our mothers and girlfriends and most men don’t want to be led by their mom’s anymore or trusting of their girlfriends. While I could see southern whites voting for a black man under certain circumstances I don’t think they or many black men would vote for a woman. Every black man in the south would vote for an Obama so even if the whites still a bit racist wouldn’t you’d have a horse race. Neither gets behind a woman in my opinion.

And no one outside of Hollywood and N.Y. will vote for Hillary in particular .I do think Hillary could do an ok job at this. She’s old enough and less sexual enough that those issues may have waned for her. She’s an intellectual who seems pragmatic and fact based. She’s got a set.

But there is no way she gets the chance.

The Emperor Speaks

Published on January 26, 2007 in ..The Dude, Politics and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

[image:221:l] Not surprisingly Dick Cheney has again revealed himself as a detached, arrogant dick of Mobian proportions.

From Huffington Post

Satan’s gruff handmaiden and partner in inconceivable moral indecencies was on with the Wolfman on CNN and responded to criticism, indeed the thought of anyone even criticizing him regardless of content, thusly.

Wolfy stated and asked the following?

Here’s what Jim Webb, senator from Virginia said in the Democratic response last night — he said, “The president took us into this war recklessly. We are now, as a nation, held hostage to the predictable and predicted disarray that has followed.”

And it’s not just Jim Webb; it’s some of your good Republican friends in the Senate and the House are now seriously questioning your credibility, because of the blunders and the failures. Gordon Smith…

CHENEY: Wolf, Wolf, I simply don’t accept the premise of your question. I just think it’s hogwash.

He doesn’t accept the premise of the question therefore he doesn’t have to engage in rational defense, of which he knows he can’t win. Plus in the mind of this elitist, ceo sodomizing, half human-half avatar of unpronouncable evil of lore hybrid, crticism is just hogwash. Forget the content, and definitely forget a reasoned response. he doesn’t have to have reasons. He’s Vice president with a capitol V for vice and a master of treachery and deceipt. It’s what he does. It’s who he is. Don’t question him.

On not finding Bin Laden he had this to say. “Well, he’s — obviously, he’s well hidden. We’ve been looking for him for some time…he’s not putting out videos, the way he did oftentimes in the past.”

So if he were say a porn star we’d have him? Or maybe getting airplay on VH1? Oooh he’s hiding. The most advanced technological and surveillence backbone any nation has ever possessed just can’t deal with a man playing hiding and seek. Oh yeah and we were more concerned with oil in Iraq. Fuck 9-11.

Some other nuggets of pathological evil from Satan’s better half.

CHENEY: We have successfully defended the country for over five years against any further attack. They’ve tried, we know, repeatedly — the president talked about it last night in his speech.

Then of course it’s true. Just like when in last years speech Bush said we’d never raise troop levels in Iraq.

We know they tried last summer to capture airliners coming out of the UK and to blow them up over the United States or over the Atlantic. There have been numerous attacks have been disrupted.

Yeah but not by us or our half-assed Homeland Security dept. And of course there’s no proof of most of the other claims of thwarted attacks.

If you had asked, shortly after 9/11, what the odds were that we could go better than five years without another attack on the homeland, I don’t think anybody would have been willing to take that bet.

Really? Considering there had been only 1 other, both at the WTC, in hundreds of years, I think I woulld have taken that bet. Actually I predicted we’d seen the last of it in America for at least a few years right after 9-11 when everyone was panicking and letting Cheney run rampant over civil liberties and Iraq.

On Hussein:

CHENEY: He had corrupted the entire effort to try to keep him contained. He was bribing senior officials of other governments. The Oil-for-Food Program had been totally undermined. And he had, in fact, produced and used weapons of mass destruction previously, and he retained the capability to produce that kind of stuff in the future.

Only when he had English and American help. But let’s forget that and make sure it doesn’t come up in his trial by not trying him for most of what he did since it would embarrass us and our chief ally.

BLITZER: How worried are you of this nightmare scenario, that the U.S. is building up this Shiite-dominated Iraqi government with an enormous amount of military equipment, sophisticated training, and then in the end, they’re going to turn against the United States?

CHENEY: Wolf, that’s not going to happen. The problem is, you’ve got –

BLITZER: They’re — warming up to Iran and Syria right now.

CHENEY: Wolf, you can come up with all kinds of what-ifs; you’ve got to be deal with the reality on the ground. The reality on the ground is, we’ve made major progress. We’ve still got a lot of work to do. There’s a lot of provinces in Iraq that are relatively quiet.

If they dealt with reality on the ground this wouldn’t be happening because it was they who didn’t listen to all the what-ifs to begin with.

But the biggest problem we face right now, is the danger than the United States will validate the terrorist’s strategy, that in fact what will happen here, with all of the debate over whether or not we ought to stay in Iraq, where the pressure is from some quarters to get out of Iraq, if we were to do that, we would simply validate the terrorist’s strategy, that says the Americans will not stay to complete the task –

Again, it’s the weak-kneed liberals fault if we fail. Just like in Vietnam. Amazing how that always works that way.

CHENEY: That we don’t have the stomach for the fight. That’s the biggest threat.

Oh my fucking god!

BLITZER: Do you think Hillary Clinton would make a good president?

CHENEY: No, I don’t.

BLITZER: Why?

CHENEY: Because she’s a Democrat.

You’re the Socrates of our time Dick. What a reasoned debate.

On John McCain:

BLITZER: He said, the other day — he said, “The president listens too much to the vice president. Of course, the president bears the ultimate responsibility, but he’s been very badly served by both the vice president and, most of all, the secretary of Defense.” That was John McCain.

CHENEY: So?

Touche Dick. Touche.

BLITZER: He said, about the former Defense secretary, “Rumsfeld will go down in history, along with NcNamara, as one of the worst secretaries of Defense –”

CHENEY: I just fundamentally disagree. You heard my speech, when Don retired. I think he’s done a superb job.

You heard me. I said he was good. Therefor he’s good. I’m the Vice president. I’m filthy rich. Who are the critics to criticize me. If I say something that should be the end of it.

BLITZER: You know, we’re out of time, but a couple of issues I want to raise with you: your daughter, Mary. She’s pregnant. All of us are happy she’s going to have a baby. You’re going to have another grandchild. Some of the — some critics are suggesting — for example, a statement from someone representing Focus on the Family, “Mary Cheney’s pregnancy raises the question of what’s best for children. Just because it’s possible to conceive a child outside of the relationship of a married mother and father doesn’t mean that it’s best for the child.” Do you want to respond to that?

CHENEY: No.

BLITZER: She’s, obviously, a good daughter –

CHENEY: I’m delighted I’m about to have a sixth grandchild, Wolf.

And obviously I think the world of both my daughters and all of my grandchildren. And I think, frankly, you’re out of line with that question.

BLITZER: I think all of us appreciate –

CHENEY: I think you’re out of line.

BLITZER: We like your daughters. Believe me, I’m very sympathetic to Liz and to Mary. I like them both. That was a question that’s come up, and it’s a responsible, fair question.

CHENEY: I just fundamentally disagree with you

In other words it’s not something he can reconcile with his base so like anything else he can’t handle talking rationally about, most things that is, he doesn’t want to talk about it. He’ll continue to use that base who do nothing but talk about it though when it comes to other people and galvanizes right wing voters.

Let’s wind up with the soft stuff (ph)– Nancy Pelosi. What was it like sitting with her last night as opposed to Dennis Hastert?

CHENEY: I prefer Dennis Hastert, obviously. I like having a fellow Republican in the Speaker’s chair. Nancy’s now the speaker of the House. We had a very pleasant evening.

Translation: I hate her for being different and I raped her until she bled and begged for mercy. If she talks we’ll kill her children.

I Grouch About Oscar.

Published on January 24, 2007 in ..The Dude, Films and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

First off I wrote a longer and cooler version of this before and it got erased. I can’t duplicate it. This will have to suffice. So that’s already got me down on the Academy Awards. It’s not thier fault my post got erased. But they incited my wrath and or passion enough to write pearls of glorious wisdom which will forever mock me for what might have been. The bastards. Now on to what I can still summon up to talk about concerning the Oscar nominations announced today.

First off the buzz is The Departed will win and Scorcese will finally get his Oscar. I saw The Departed and it wasn’t anything special. It was Goodfellas tougher but less talented and interesting little brother. If Marty, and I can call him Marty not because I know him but because it’s easier to spell than his last name, wins for this he’ll be getting it for Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Raging Bull, and possibly a couple of other things except The Aviator or Kundun. Kundun was ok but I can’t take anyone playing a reincarnation of the Buddha seriously after Keeanu absolutely nailed that mother.

But The Departed had no point and offered nothing new to the genre. Some are lamenting that Jack Nicholson didn’t get nominated for it. For that I applaud the Academy, whoever the hell they think they are. This was another case of Jack being Jack. Remember when we thought he was brilliant as the Joker. He wasn’t. That’s just the asshole that he is. I’m tired of Jack being Jack and would be ok if he never made another movie or soiled another too young starlette who if not for him being a too famous actor would sooner fuck Donald Rumsfeld than that creepy old man.

I liked The Departed but it wasn’t anything special and it was mostly violence for violence sake whose ultimate point, if any, seemed that anybody who pretends a little is going to die very violently.

No exceptions.

I didn’t see Little Miss Sunshine. But now that’s it’s been nominated and there’s been so much buzz about what a nice little cute movie it is I feel less inclined to believe it’s any good. Certainly I doubt it’s Oscar caliber. But neither was Crash last year and it won. It seemed to me that Crash winning proved that there are alot of people in Hollywood who, like me, grew up watching bad T.V. movies and for whom Crash was genius in comparison. Throw in that it was an opportunity to be racially sensitive without hanging out with poor black people and you’ve got yourself a Hollywood winner. Again, it was a good movie. But where are our standards?

Letters From Iwo Jima. It’s in Japanese. Clint Eastwood made two movies about the same subject in one year from two different angles. Bravo! How daring.

I’m not going to see this.

Subtitled movies can be ok. I may go see Pan’s Labyrinth soon. It’s in Spanish. But Spanish seems to resemble a real human language to me. Japanese sounds like gibberish and I find it hard to believe it’s a legitimate form of communication. I think it’s a national practical joke. i think the Orient has Punk’d us. When we’re not around I think they are all like, “Yes James I too believe that the importation of pitchers such as Matsuzaka are good for international relations with the Americas.”

“Oh no doubt Donaldson. Both the economic and cultural assimilating at play can prove only beneficial to both nations in the long run. Oh wait here comes an America. Katzabukinawa jezzingamookadon xhingstian wadumaspianjunacotafoo. Hee hee.”

“Yes, hee hee.”

Or something like that.

Babel. Speaking of many languages. At least the real ones. A movie about our inability to communicate. Haven’t seen it. Probably will someday. But I get a strong whiff of pretention coming from this one. This has this years Crash written all over it except that it won’t win. A movie that makes semi smart people feel like they’re deep and concerned because they want to seperate themselves from the hooligans who who think Tim Burton is a genius. Or at least make themselves feel better about churning out stuff like The Hitcher not realizing that there are even better and smarter films out there that are just over their heads.

The Queen. I was hoping this title would still be around for the movie they’re making about Freddie Mercury. For stealing it I’m a bit disinclined to liking this. I’m not sure what Queen Hellen Mirren is playing here. Obviously an English one and the Academy loves them the English.

And speaking of the whole English thing. Can we go one year without hearing the names of Judie Dench, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslett, or Cate Blanchette? If you’re a Dame, whatever the hell that is, it’s like an automatic nomination. Are all English women Dames? I know Streep isn’t English but I don’t think the Academy knows that. I think somewhere in the long list of languages this woman has mastered she’s probably done an English accent and it stuck in the Academy members minds more than the rest.

She might actually be a mole.

I think part of that fascination with her is partly because the woman really is a very good actress. But I think there is some psychological mechanism at work as well. I think the inferiority of Hollywood actors and actresses manifests itself in a desire to seem attached to those with English pedigrees and who are subsequently thought of as Shakespearean actors.

It’s the same psychologial phenomena prevalent in the ages of royalty like the Baroque period as everyone sought affirmation and esteem through closeness in blood lines to royalty or people of substance. In acting, with its roots in Shakespearian drama of that same history, the English are that stamp of approval. Get them regularly intergrated into your awards show and bam! Instant credibility.

I mean she was in The Devil Wears Prada for which she got this nomination. Couldn’t we let her slide for a year in favor of someone else? Didn’t Jennifer Connely make a movie this year? Or Scarlett Johanson? What the hell give it to Roasario Dawson for convincing us a woman like that could actually get with Dante.

At least Streep doesn’t try to create this English air like Madonna. That has no street cred in the music scene. There it’s about hardcore. The appearance of rebellion. Now it’s the rap gangster or psuedo punk thing. Being English doesn’t count for as much. Maybe a little. Otherwise how else to explain Oasis? But that and the Kabbala thing, you know wearing a bracelet to show how channeled she is into mystic realms of arcane knowledge that require an English accent to add to the mystique, just isn’t big in that genre. Scientology is where you have to go for your silly-ass mystical psuedo superiority and air of arcane wisdom like Beck does. He seems English without even trying. Admit it. Did you know Beck wasn’t English?

English or American? That could be a cool game. Beck, Madonna, Meryl Streep, Kelsey Grammar, Kiefer Sutherland. Last one is a trick question. He’s Canadian. That could be a whole sub category for later rounds. And of course dead people could be thrown in as well. For instance Dead, Canadian, English, or American: Margot Kidder?

Not easy is it?

Heck I thought Don Knotts was Canadian until I just found out recently he was actually dead.

Anyway most of the other actors nominated are unkown to me. I hope Forrest Whitaker wins because he’s that guy we’ve seen in so many movies always doing a solid job but never getting the attention. And he got his car like, totalled, by Jeff Spicoli and had a kickass game that week.

An American Idol contestant is actually nominated for supporting actress. Jennifer Hudson.

New rule. If you don’t win on American Idol you are not allowed to go near a camera or microphone again. What’s the point of all the hype and voting when Chris Doughtry outsells Taylor Hicks? Or when Clay Aiken is more popular than Ruben Studdard? Or when Hudson gets an Oscar nomination and Fantasia is out on Sunset Boulevard selling her body for crack and, cowering naked in alleyways with manslime all over her as she sadly and quietly sings “Summertime” in a hollow, broken whisper?

Why bother?

No. We need to up the tension level on Idol. Win or you are done in show business.

But this Hudson thing does make me think of what seems like a good idea. Acting Idol.

Think of the early talent search segments as we get William Hung’s reading lines from Merchant Ivory films, gay New York Communists doing hackneyed interpretations of Annie Hall as they try and ape Woody Allen, or geeks with lightsabers reading Episode II lines and making Hayden Christenson look like an English actor. Maybe they could run the contest as a search for a particular movie being cast or just with the promise of at least a suporting role in a future movie from a studio they get to back the contest. Hey we could even do it for major roles like the next Spiderman when Toby Maguire leaves to start doing shy and wounded young loner roles again.

This seems like such a good idea I’m wondering if it’s been done what with the glut of reality shows out there. If not when it happens, and it will, I want props.

The Time Has Come: On 24’s First Hours And Of Time Itself.

Published on January 21, 2007 in ..The Dude, Television and The Ill-Literates. 2 Comments

OK I’m ready to speak a bit more about the first 4 hours of 24. It was too soon earlier this week. I needed to heal. It’s not easy seeing Jack cry. Jack takes a few moments to puke and compose himself and a nuclear weapon goes off. He can’t rest. That is now confirmed empirically.

There is no time for small talk in Jack’s life either. After 2 years apart when he first speaks to Chloe Jack is like “Get to work Chloe there’s no time for for this sentimental dribble damn it!” I’m paraphrasing but that’s basically what it comes down to for Jack Bauer. Take a breath and live with the fall out. Radioactive fallout that is.

Jack doesn’t even stop to explain to people why he needs to toss them in the street and take their car anymore. He just says “Don’t get up.” We know what it would mean for that driver to get up. He knows too though he doesn’t know Jack Bauer. But he recognizes gravitas when he sees it. He is staring up at its king. Despite his lack of information, the privelaged seat we watch from, he knows when to be properly and dutifully awed.

And then he had to shoot Curtis. On MLK’s birthday for christ’s sake!. That’s gravitas baby. As was Jack going all Lost Boys like his look alike Keifer Sutherland did in that movie. Ep one ends with Jack taking a bite out of crime. Literally, as he tears a terrorist neck up with his bionic teeth. There are so many ways Jack Bauer can kill you that anyone in L.A. should have Bauer insurance.

And then after Jack takes out he who some call Black Bauer, that music starts up like something out of Crash. Voices are crying out in its background. Crying with Jack and for Jack. Perhaps crying because Jack cries, a choir of angels that have never seen a god cry until just then. By the end of ep 4 I was drenched in a puddle of my own sweat and tears. I literally and truly sat there gasping and trying to compose myself. “Get a hold of yourself damnit!,” I said to myself. “You’re watching this at a safe remove from my pretty t.v. box. It doesn’t effect you you pussy.”

But it was of no use.

The power of Bauer compells you!

Of course most of all this is extremely far fetched. Some criticize and nitpick. They are mostly right. But 24 is science fiction to an extent. High adrenaline sci fi. Saying Jack can’t do these things after 2 years in a Chinese prison or getting stabbed in the shoulder, or that Wayne Palmer is an unlikely President and the kind of terrorist deals he makes are silly plot devices, or that an airstrike in the middle of suburbia is never going to happen, is like saying warp speed and teleportation in Star Trek is wrong. To enter into the world of either Jack Bauer or James Tiberius Kirk one most suspend their modern preconceptions. 24 takes place in the future. And just as much as Star Trek’s scientific elements have a future plausibility, can we say what a world of the near future may make possible?

Over 5 of our years about a decade has past in Bauer Years (or B.Y. as some historians and theologians are starting to refer to them). We are looking at a future where getting from one end of L.A. to another in a commercial break may be scientifically accurate measurements of how time passes in a world of rampant terrorism. We all know the phenomena where it seems like time passes faster when there are exciting or adrenaline inducing events going on. Well America’s near future is always adrenaline inducing. at least on those really long days when Jack must put in the overtime and live and die for L.A..

And 24 is a show all about time. Its named after it and features it’s passing on screen regularly. Each episode starts and ends with a clock. i’m not equipped with the scientific background to convey what I think is going on here but it’s got something to do with Einstein and relativity. That and the curving of spacetime due to the massively oversized American ego whose proportions to the actual physcial space they occupy will have effects in the future at this point we can only hypothesize about. And just as times very nature changes in a future where Muslim terrorists are running rampant and usually controlled ultimately by white Americans, the applications of hardware, political elections, physical endurance, Homeland Security hiring practices and so much more are subject to equal unrecognizability to our comfortable eyes that look upon the future from our safe removes all snug in our comforters made by Pakistani’s living and working with their brethren who fund terrorists, drinking our bottles of Naive as we steal Eurasian Indians water to bottle our hope and wash it down in carbonated beverages, and fill terrorist coffers as we fill our gas tanks and find status in whose tank is bigger.

Reality is already being twisted to make way the future Jack Bauer must save us from. So who is to question the reality of the methods used. Except it or do not watch. not everyone has the stomach for it my brothers and sisters. After watching last weeks final moments I questioned whether or not I had the stomach. I was beaten down. I was hurting. For Jack, for Curtis, for Chloe as she comes to terms with being the office hotty, for Kim who god willing lives in Valentia, for al-Assad who knows of both 24 and Star Treks’s futures, for Mike Novik who appears to be out of a job, for all those Los Angelinos who are in for the tan of their lives, for all ugly women who are apparently not allowed to work for CTU, for Wayne Palmer who has a sister who waits all these years until he’s President to start going all Kim Bauer on him, to all those who must feel the wrath of Chloe’s ascerbicism.

Indeed I cried.

And in my tears rejoiced.

Children Of Men

Published on January 20, 2007 in ..The Dude, Films, Reviews and The Ill-Literates. 4 Comments

[image:219:l] I finally got to see Alfonso Cuaron’s Children Of Men and I had to go 100 miles to do so. Was it worth it? Well going to Manhattan is always worth it. Plus there were hotdogs and the most wonderful coconut drink at Papaya King in the mix. And most who know me know I might just go 100 miles for a good coconut based product. But how did the movie stack up against said dietary fare? COM is all about the end of the world as we know it, about its actual literal end. A world without children. This is bigger stuff than even a Papaya King hotdog, though for me on an even par with the prospects of a coconutless world. Overall this idea played out over 2 hours didn’t stack up as well to my expectations based on reviews. I’d have to put it somewhere low down on a coconut drink rating scale to which it paled, but a solid 3 and a half chili based hot dogs out of five. For a more in depth discussion of the movie and its merits or lack thererof click below and I promise to try not to talk about hotdogs or fruit drinks anymore.

Children Of Men is a bleak movie. It looks as bleak as its subject matter. And it should. Director Alfonso Cuaron does a great job creating the look and mood of a future without the color of hope or vibrancy of children’s laughter. It’s 2027 and the world is 18 years into an infertility disease that has made all women incapable of bearing children. Cuaron creates an English landscape of burnt out buildings, constant bombings, and a color palette that reflects the drained and overcast color of the dreariest English countryside without the hope of future sunny days.

And England is supposedly the only country holding it together somewhat. This is why refugees flood to its borders and the government has inflicted draconian anti-refugee restrictions to keep them out. It seems that without the hope of children growing and giving humanity their meaning the world has been given over to chaos as all nations apparently have not handled the imminent death of humanity and their own obsolescence very well.

The movie hints at what is going on outside of England with background T.V. footage mostly from the BBC. There may have been CNN coverage in there as well. It all went to making the movie feel real. It’s almost documentary-like in it’s racing, at a remove vantage point that captures milieus and cultural changes that seemed all too possible as I watched them. The future the movie locates itself in felt all too true like a hard bitten reality show from the future. From religious groups attributing events to god’s wrath and demanding repentence as they blame the infertility on mankinds errant ways, to the blurred political factions dividing a fractioning species, to the myriad background touches such as the aforementioned T.V. coverage as well as graffitti which pass almost subliminally with messages like “Last one to die please turn out the lights,” to the terrorist bombings and the warzone scene, it all felt like history yet to be written rather than far out science fiction landscapes.

This all made for an intense experience at the movies, as well as a vivid one. What it didn’t quite do was make for an exciting or contemplative one. This is a concept movie to a large extent. There is a central conceit driving the drama and viewer interest. But with so much hinging on the concept and conceit, which are good ones, you’ve still got to have a narrative at the wheel to get it to a destination. But sometimes it feels like all there was was that concept, it’s initial idea, an idea flawlessly executed but one that was strained to provide 2 hours of entertaing viewing.

I think part of this is the screenplay’s fault. I didn’t feel a sense of an underlying motive or statement informing the movie or it’s conceit. Much like reality T.V. or news coverage in our time while it can be interesting, it’s often not really about anything. Context and theme are missing and it’s images with accompanying commentary for their own sake. Sometimes that may be indeed the only way to cover real news apart from editorializing. But in a movie I’d prefer a bit of overarching thematic content making me feel I’ve seen more than I saw on the screen.

The fact that the movie leaves alot up for interpretation is not what I’m getting at. I had no problem with some of those political intrigues or its ending. I felt no need for an explanation as far as plot points go though some were hard to follow. Though it’s hard to figure out what faction is what and what they’re fighting for, it’s not something that botheres me. That’s what repeat viewings are for to some extent. And maybe that was part of the point. Certainly the lines are blurred enough in our time so maybe in a world about to die the message is that all meaning is lost and all that matters is a reason to fight our way into oblivion. Dying for something even if no one is quite sure what that something is.

But another quality necessary to lend itself to repeat viewings for me is delving into that overarching theme or themes which I just didn’t quite get a sense were there in this movie. There still are powerful statements such as contemplating a world without childrens laughter or watching them playing. This is brought home as Clive Owen’s Theo and two other characters including the central figure of Key wait to meet someone in an abandoned school. You dont really think about it to that point, that all schools are abandoned all over the world. It makes you think about the psychological ramifications on the world of not having any kids ever going to school anymore, playing on swings, growing up to soldier on. [image:218:l]

And soldiering on is just what England’s propagandist media messages are saying they are the only country doing. And they mean this literally as the country seems overrun by soldiers protecting it from the great refugee, or fugee as the movie refers to them, threat. In addition to immigration issues COM takes place in a world with strained ciivl liberties, rampant terrorism, and of course those religious loons with their usual simplified explanation of things. All stuff we can relate to. But again I wasn’t sure the movie really had anything to say about any of it. That doesn’t make it a bad movie by any means. But if you’re like me it will deter you from complete enjoyment.

On the superlative side there are segments that are incredibly well made. Particularly a rear car chase as Owen, the Key character along with her traveling companion or handmaid or something, the head of the Fish rebel faction and Theo’s ex Julian (played by one of my favorite movie women Julian Moore), try to escape from a group whose intent and affiliation is not clear. At least not at that point. The scene is one of the more interesting and realistic chase scenes I’ve ever seen all shown from within the car with a swirling camera and myriad viewpoints inside and outside the car. It’s pretty intense. So is the stuff as Theo and Key make their way through a war-terrorist torn part of England. The pacing, the long continuous shots, the use of military hardware, the shooting and bombing, are like something you’d expect to get of Iraq except with better cinematography and more focused control of the absolute chaos. It makes you viscerally feel just how much chance is involved in surviving in such a zone.

This is interrupted temporarily. I wont get into why or how. But since the movie adds make no attempt to hide the fact I can say that they Key woman is pregnant when Theo meets her. His attempt to get her to the maybe real or maybe not hands of a group called The Human Project is the catalyst for much of the film. This makes for a bit too much of a chase movie. It felt to me like alot of possible theme and subtext that could have been played with were subverted for more chasing and escaping. But at least these chase scenes did bring alot of new elements another of which is a possible modern Nativity interpretation. Kind of Mary and Joseph on the run, Mary an illegal alien, Joseph a reluctant independent and with Bethlehem being a future warzone.

But like much of the films message a religious point if any was there was somewhat lost on me. For those like me of a secular bent don’t worry. There is no virgin birth miracle going on here. In fact Key sort of makes fun of that idea. She’s kind of the opposite of a virgin and just doesn’t know who the father is. And under such circumstances who cares. The baby could conceivably be a symbol of hope given a world shortly after the famed baby Diego is killed as an 18 year old. Diego was a worldwide celebrity. The last baby born and youngest human. His death triggers worldwide mourning at the films opening. Key’s baby, and I’m not sure I’m spelling her name right, it may have been Kee or even Kay, could be used towards many purposes. Either way he or she is a potential symbol and a hope that mankind will survive. Thus perhaps we have the child of men in the title.

It’s not hard to imagine all this becoming the makings of a 22nd century tale of insiration grown to mytho-religio proportions. But maybe something else is intended as well. The title of course has a biblical allusion making me think of children of god. But not only is Key’s baby a potential child of men in that humanity gains hope and no one father is necessary, I also felt like there might be something even more affirmative in the title, something of humanities role in the future as children of men with a realization of just how precious that is without need of mythologizing our own immortality. Like maybe it’s enough to know we leave behind a legacy. Presented with an alternative view in COM that secular bias doesn’t feel so dry and unwieldy as it may seem for most people today. And though the movie at times feels like a very cynical look at humanity, and perhaps the title is accusatory as much as hopeful as we see how badly and brutishly mankind react to their dwindling lifespan and significance, now that I ponder things further, I’m of a mind that there is that other element limning the nasty edges. [image:220:l]

So maybe there’s a bit more subtext than I originally gave it credit for. Or maybe I’m looking for things I want to see and not what was there, which may have been exactly what it seemed and nothing more. Either way a bit more narrative pushing towards a point of view and less chase would have been preferable. But This is still a good film, well crafted, and worthwhile. I’m not saying travel 100 miles for it. But if and when it’s around and especially if you like Blade Runner type dystopian future scenarios (though don’t go in looking for much in the way of FX here), it’s definitely worth a look. At some point I’d certainly like to see it again because even if the movie isn’t more than a documentary of a possible future containing no more than the sum of its parts, it does offer more than enough to warrant giving it the chance to reveal exactly what it is or is not.

I Am The Ass Man

Published on January 18, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

Well a year or so again in a post titled something like My Life As A Plebian I went on about my outsider status compared to some like our own beloved Brandonicus who are part of the management cabal that fixes Super Bowls, levels cities with their hurricane machines, and arranges celebrity relationships to best maximize genetic advantages and that will keep America stupified. On some level I was ok with this although it may have a kept a distance between me and the woman I wanted who was a direct part of Brandonicus’s cabal. Hey at one time I was a fairly important figure in starting a union in that very agency where they work. I had my chances to join their ranks but wanted to stay in the trenches with the proletariat, forever grinding our bones in the machine of state that was oiled with our blood. “Remember, remember, the 4th of November, the Gunpowder plot. I know of no reason, the 4th of November, should ever be forgot,” and all that. But now I’ve gone and done it. I entered my name into the machinery of NY State’s civil service advancement system under the auspices of Taconic DDSO, took their test 2 years ago, gained enough of their soul sapping seniority, and interviewed best by 3 of their management puppateers. And the system spit my name out and asked me to be an Assistant Manager. For some reason I said yes. I took it at the same facility I left for greener and saner pastures a few months ago. I may have made a horrible mistake.

Let me first start with the title. Both of the position and this post for they are one and the same. The abbreviation of Assistant Manager is actually one of the top 3 reasons I took the position. I don’t know what the other 2 are yet though. You see, I’ll get to introduce myself as the Ass Man for Neighborhood Rd IRA at management meetings and such. And that is pretty appealing. Plus it references a Seinfeld episode. Stuff like that makes me happy. It’s a turn on.

But is it enough?

It seems like I should have those other two reasons to round out a top three.

I don’t.

Or deep down on a subconscious level I do and it scares me.

Do I want power?

I don’t think so.

Am I ambitious for advancement up the coporate ladder such as it is in the state system?

I think Boston said it best, “Now you’re climbing to the top of the company ladder, Hope it doesn’t take to long. Can’t you see there’ll come a day when it won’t matter, Come a day when you’ll be gone.”

Do i think it will win me the fair Olivia of posts past?

No. And she might be gay anyway. Either way all coincidences aside, it’s looking highly unlikely. And this is a different agency than she and our own fair Brandonicus work for.

Now in that other agency this could score me some dates. Of that I have little doubt. And theirs is a rich playing field there. But where I am now, though a much larger operation, one rife with intrigues and insleeping, the worthwhile pickings are slim and I have no interest in becoming another player in self inflicted dramas created by bored people drunk on their own mediocrity.

Am I bored and just looking for different challenges?

Now there’s an angle that may have something to it. But how long before this gets boring? Will that cause me to become one of those climbers whose entire self worth is caught up in status and position and who fight unmercifully to advance further and further up what they see as a food chain of importance and relevence?

I see these people. I know some of them. I’m not really interested in becoming one. PLus I worry this position will take time away from stuff I really like. Stuff like reading, T.V., movies, friends, masturbation, and writing.

Or it could have the effect of sharpening my instincts and honing myself in ways that carry over to those other areas. Well, not so much the TV and masturbation. I’ve pretty much honed those as far as mankind is meant to thanks to DVR and a lack of non-psychotic or attractively viable females.

Maybe on some level I think this could happen and that’s one of the top three.

What about the money you might ask?

I’m still trying to find out how that works and how much extra I’ll be getting. Whatever it is I won’t reach my final raise for a year of what the state considers a probationary period in any new position including the one I just vacated. But whatever it works out to be I’m not going to be rich. It may just pay for the cell phone I’ll need to buy now that I’m resposible for a whole facility and want to be available for emergency.

And that’s another thing. I’m responsible, not wholly, but nevertheless in large part responsible for the lives of 10 human beings. Plus staff. Not that staff’s lives will be dependent on me. But some of their well being that includes getting paid and time off without causing overtime will be on me. But those lives of the 10 guys who live there. Having to now do more than see to their well being for 8 hour blocks when I’m on the premises is a bit daunting.

And then there’s those aforementioned intrigues I left this place to get away from a few months ago. Now I can’t just ignore them. When people are getting screwed, possibly literally as well as figuratively, I have to step in and ensure that my staff, all my staff and not just the clique of favorites as decided by others before me, are being treated equitably. That could cause some head-butting that I’m not likely to be in a position to win in the near future.

So is it the schedule?

Well it’s listed as an even worse shift than the one I’m now vacating. And I’m leaving that in a place I can get time off from the vast majority of the time I want it. That might not be the case at Neighborhood Rd IRA where I’m headed. I did talk to the manager who promised flexibility that included regualr day shifts not listed as part of the way the Ass Man position was drawn up and listed on paper. And there should be chances to flex a bit and get out before the listed 11 p.m. At least when we’re fully staffed. Which hasn’t been the case there in a long time. I guess I fancy I can change that a bit. This used to be an almost impossible place to get into even for just a regular position much less management. Hopefully I can be part of getting it back there.

I do like those 10 guys I’m responsible for though they can be trying at times.

But that’s not a top 3 reason either.

So I’m still not sure why I did this. If it sucks I won’t get back my shift at Granite IRA where I’m leaving which is the only other place in this vast agency I like besides where I’m going now. Perhaps Livingston where I worked for years. Still love alot of the staff there and it’s close to home. Getting in there may take less time than Granite, but I still won’t get a golden shift for a while.

And again, this doesn’t figure to lead to dating or me being Comptroller for NY State or anything.

I was indecisive about going to school this semester and this gives me my excuse to put that off. Maybe that’s what I did it.

More indecision under the guise of the decisiveness of taking a management job I would have waffled on years ago..

Again to return to Boston:
I understand about indecision,
But I don’t care if I get behind.
People living in competition;
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Peace of mind?

More likely piece of mind. As in what I may lose.

Change is good though. Maybe I just need some. But I also have this foreboding. Partly from being part of the machine instead of raging at it. The fear of the death of the rebel inside even if he is rebelling against whatever you got. But also I guess I feel changing this could change the good things in my life. There’s certainly stuff that could be better I’d like to change. But I’m concerned by changing the mix I’m starting a localized butterfly effect that will upset the status quo of the precarious good things like my dad’s health, my hopes of writing anything decent and instead accepting a life slowly consumed by the system, a semblance of socialization apart from the management cabal who will inevitably want me to consort in their world moving and shaking, my own health both mental and physical, reasonable financial comfort which is alfready being challenged the past few weeks, and other assorted little things which have remained quietly comfortable for a while. Things I know must change someday. But things on some superstitious level I feel I was warding off by my own lack of change.

Maybe this is something other people can relate to. Maybe I’m just weird. But I am the Ass Man and I will try my hardest to live up to that title and expectation.

Jack’s Back!

Published on January 14, 2007 in ..The Dude, Life, Television and The Ill-Literates. 2 Comments

[image:216:l] He returns to us tonight. Captain America. Our national treasure. THE Magnificent Bastard. So it’s time for more irrefutable facts about the legend that is Jack Bauer.

First off I have to admit this was harder to compile than the last post of this nature from last year. THis isn’t as funny. I may have shot my load of my knowledge of the more romantic and humorous angles of the Jack Bauer mystique. But then Jack Bauer is a serious bastard. He doesn’t laugh. That’s another irrefutable fact about him. Jack Bauer once laughed. When was that? A little day we call 9-11. Jack learned his lesson.

For funnier Jack facts check the various places that are probably still out there on the internet and my previous post here, which also features funny facts contributed by Brandonicus, Bob, and others, as well as follow up facts I’d forgotten about Jack.

Still there are other things that must be known about Jack Bauer.

Here are a few of them. If you know any, please, I implore you, for tha sake of our nation, add them here.

On to the facts:

Jack Bauer has a panic room in his home not because he needs it to hide in, but rather so that guests and household pets can get a respite from his gravitas.

  

Modern philosophers now refer to the existential angst of past decades and centuries as “Bauer shaped holes”.

Jack Bauer targets Muslim terrorists as much for their non-corporeal virgins as anything else.

When you open up a can of Whup-Ass, Jack Bauer pops out.

Jack Bauer thought Casino Royale was a comedy.

Jack Bauer has a cartoon tatoo of Allah sodomizing Mohommad on his ass.

Despite this Jack Bauer’s bare ass is accepted as a prophet in the Muslim world.

Jack Bauer serves as an expert consultant on Heroes, which was conceived as a tribute to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer casts no reflection in mirrors. Experts believe this to be an evolutionary adaptation
to prevent Jack Bauer from peeing himself.

Writers, linguists, and English professors everywhere now accept the name Jack Bauer as a reasonable synonym for the words and or ideas of danger, gravity, frightening, and exceptional.

As a result of the above Stephen King is revising his collective works.

Also as a result, the following statement is considered grammatically correct and understandable: Jack Bauer looked Jack Bauer as he Jack Bauered the terrorist with Jack Bauer techniques that almost made them Jack Bauer that the Jack Bauer is real.

Scientists have now added Jack Bauer to the universes other 4 forces consisting of electromagnetism, gravity, strong force, and weak force.

Those same scientists have yet to explain Kim Bauer.

Jack Bauer has a credit card with 50% interest. The interest is paid to Jack Bauer. In Bauer dollars.

Jack Bauer shoots bankers in the back of the head whenever he makes a deposit. Jack Bauer knows that something must be sacrificed in order to save.

If Jack Bauer fought the law the law would lose. This is why Jack Bauer is above the law.

Jack Bauer quit playing Football in College because he considered punting to be negotiating with terrorists.

The hostages in Iran were released in 1980 not because of Reagan’s manipulations but because the captors had learned that Jack Bauer was then old enough to travel.

Tony Bennet didn’t lose his heart in San Francisco. Jack Bauer ripped it out of his chest and forgot to show it to him.

Jack Bauer put the Bop! in the bop de wop de bop.

Oompa Loompa oopity power-hour.
Oompa Loompa’s shit chocolate when they see Jack Bauer.

There are no aliens, dragons, monsters, ogres, Abominable Snowmen, Big Foot’s, Nellie’s, Zombies, or Vampires. Thank you Jack Bauer.

Viagra was reverse engineered from Jack Bauer’s biochemical makeup.

The hole in the roof of the Dallas Cowboys stadium is not so that god can watch his favorite team as their fans like to say. It is because Jack Bauer got excited watching the Cowboys cheerleaders. If you know what I mean.

Jack Bauer is officially banned from going on Fear Factor.

The part of the phrase starting with, “The love of a good woman,” has been replaced by, “Jack Bauer.”

Axl Rose has been working on Chinese Democracy for a decade. Jack Bauer has been in China for 20 months. They now have the makings of a real Democracy.

There is no more romance because every couple now realizes that it is Jack Bauer that hung the moon and stars.

Ok that’s it for my new ones. But in the interest of serving America’s information needs I must add some of my own favorites contributions from last year.

If Jack Bauer did porn his porn name would be Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has tortured Tom Clancy for repeatedly putting the United States in fictional jeopardy.

Horses are no longer put out to stud. They are put out to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can only be photographed with a special gravitas filter lens. [image:94:l]

Virgins exist only because they hope to preserve themselves for Jack Bauer and because Jack Bauer is very busy.

Jack Bauer was stranded on the island from Lost. He solved its riddles and got off of it in 24 hours. He did this by not pausing for flashbacks. Jack Bauer thinks reflection is for pussies who don’t have a country to save.

Jack Bauer thinks we are all pussies, but doesn’t tell us so. He has no time for small talk.

Jack Bauer was once crucified for the sins of man, died, and returned. He didn’t bother to tell anyone about it or make a big stink though.

As a child Jack Bauer tortured a fellow Cub Scout because he suspected he was a mole from another den.

A sports beverage company needed a high octane drink that gave people energy for short durations. So they bottled Jack Bauer’s sweat and called that drink Gatorade.

Jack Bauer only sweats to complete his contractual obligations to Gatorade.

Stop Pissing Me Off!

Published on January 13, 2007 in ..The Dude, Irritations, Life and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

European and Australian feminists want to make guys pee sitting down to equal the playing field. We have our early leader for most assinine and irrational group of 2007. (exempting Bush of course).

Townhall

Young women in Sweden, Germany and Australia have a new cause: They want men to sit down while urinating. This demand comes partly from concerns about hygiene — avoiding the splash factor — but, as Jasper Gerard reports in the English magazine The Spectator, “more crucially because a man standing up to urinate is deemed to be triumphing in his masculinity, and by extension, degrading women.” One argument is that if women can’t do it, then men shouldn’t either. Another is that standing upright while relieving oneself is “a nasty macho gesture,” suggestive of male violence.

A feminist group at Stockholm University is campaigning to ban all urinals from campus, and one Swedish elementary school has already removed them. In Australia, an Internet survey shows that 17 percent of those polled think men ought to sit, while 70 percent believe they should be allowed to stand. Some Swedish women are pressuring their men to take a stand, so to speak. Yola, a 25-year-old Swedish trainee psychiatrist, says she dumps boyfriends who insist on standing. “What else can I do?,” said her new boyfriend, Ingvar, who sits.

To sit or stand? Which is a right or a privelage? What makes a man a man?

Ahh timeless questions pondered by theologians and philosophers. I believe it was Plato and Socrates in thier dialogues that first raised the question of how best to relieve oneself. It was Plato who first struck that note for sitting, distancing himself from the Socratic method, peeing standing up, a position later championed by Aristotle who preferred distinguishing categorizations to help differentiate between all things. Including sexes.

You see Aristotle was a realist not as prone to the wild flights of fancy that Plato often got off to. Why should a man act like a woman? The Platonic peeing method insisted upon a universal Idea of peeing and equality. Aristotle knew this was bullshit. We are not all born equal. We have inherent advantages and disadvantages.

Some people have still not gotten over this.

Despite not having the science to tell them about the splash factor past generations, for all thier faults and ignorance, could tell the difference between someone with ability to do something someone else could not. Sure they didn’t know it was more genetic than divine punishment or reward. But they didn’t play tackle Football or Rugby, or whatever, with ladies. They didn’t force normally ambulated people to go slower to accomodate those with some kind of crippling disability (Yes this kind of thing has happened in our time). And they didn’t make men sit down and pee. Or women stand up and do it.

Seriously when I read the above blurb I thought it was April 1st for a moment and got pumped about the Mets opener with the Cards tonight. Then I remembered alot of people are still insane and realized it was true.

Really unless a guy is peeing standing up right in front of a woman, or pissing on her (unless they as a couple are into that–I’m talking to you Tracy), get a grip Swedish feminists. I’m as pro woman’s rights as most, but Nordic women must have it pretty good to get worked up over what guys are doing in the bathroom.

I do pee sitting on occasion. Alot of men do. There is a time and place. But a blanket standard is unacceptable. Indeed some men are concerned with splashback and the spread of germs. This is why I put the lid down when I flush and don’t keep my toothbrush near the toilet. BUt if I want to splash I want to be able to splash. And unless you’re hung like a whale your splashback is not likely to effect others in a public restroom.

As I indicated, flushing from uncovered urinals or toilets in public is more likely to be a problem. But even that is not going to hurt anyone but the flusher. A bigger problem is those who don’t flush after themselves. I hate having to pee in someone’s slop. That adds to splashback and it’s not all mine splashing back at me. It’s partly some other guys stagnantly sitting pee waiting to jump the side.

Thankfully alot of restrooms have those urinals that flush by themselves through some kind of omnicient motion sensoring technology or something.

I also find a bigger issue to be guys who miss. It seems like everytime I pee at Barnes & Nonble lately I have to spread my legs to avoid squishing through sticky liquid waste around the urinal.

I guess this would be a good reason to make everyone sit if you were going to make everyone do anything. But that’s not the primary reason the fems want to make men tuck their junk. It’s another form of emasculation in the ongoing effort of a few women to make men the kind of wusses most women don’t want. I suppose if hot Swedish femenists promised to date me even when i’m a whining, sensitive, caring, humble guy, it wouldn’t be so bad. But I’m here in Ulster County where women want guys to scare the shit of them on occasion. There are many reasons I don’t date much. This is one of them. I tend towards the caring nice guy thing. I used to tend to it alot more. THen I realized women weren’t fairy princesses anymore than we were the princes they so often lament not being out there.

They’re still wonderful and all. I love working with the ones I’ve worked with at times including the past few months. I sense some of them dig me. If they saw me peeing standing down with my maleness all Buffalo Billed between my thighs and the inside of the toilet bowl, I don’t think they’d dig me so much.

When I’m at home I do tend to sit down, only because the splashing noise can be a bit loud and embarrasing in the quiter home environment and there is some of that splashback factoring. (I certainly only flush with the lid down though). But in public I want a urinal. When I’m out I’m fully dressed and don’t want to have to be bothered with unbuttoning, pulling my pants down and reverse. I want that easy access that zippers and male genetalia provide. Especially in an envoronment where no one will be perturbed or embarrassed by my peeing noise. We’re all there for the same reason after all.

There are inherent advantages and disadvantages all of us must deal with as a gender as well as as individuals. I’m all for equality, but I’m also all for rationality. And thinking we can all do everything or are as equally capable is irrational denial. Easy access for public relief is one of the male of the species innate advantages and rights. Do the advantages balance out? I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m peeing standing up in public and if they take urinals away I’m still going to pee standing up as political protest, perhaps on bathroom walls in the shape of a V for victory, or vendetta. Maybe I’ll do it in the ladies room. This could actually be a good way to meet some new people. Feminism or no feminism, good or bad, most women I encounter want men to be men and are turned off by too much equality. They also like bad boys. So peeing on their bathroom walls should go over well outside of Sweden.

That’s ok, Swedish girls are out of my league anyway.

Ill-literates Announces Our Least Relevant Magazine Of 2006

Published on January 10, 2007 in ..The Dude, Irritations and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

And the winner is….Time Magazine’s Man Of The Year. Gimmick’s over boys. No one cares what you have to say. Same goes for Sports Illustrated’s Sportman Of The Year. The following post touches on that along with many other half digested year end/beginning thoughts, as well as some best/worsts lists of my own.

We know about Time’s choice of me, er you…nay, us. But SI’s Sportman of the year was some Basketball player who had a good playoffs for the Heat. I don’t even know the guy. Steroids did more for sports the last year than this guy. Tony Larussa was runner up. A friggin manager. If he had beaten the Braves instead of the Mets to get to the Series SI would have probably ignored him completely. But oh gee whiz you kept a NY team from cellebrating! You’re our anti- NY hero. A god amongst us. Our champion against those arrogant New Yorkers.

Screw you SI.

Both these lists have become increasingly irrelevant in our information age. All that matters is People’s Sexiest Man Alive award and everyone knows it.

It summarizes our age better than any choice that actually cares about accomplishments. A recent poll of kids had them ranking being famous as their number 1 priority/best thing in life. God was 10. Good food was around 5. Looks was 2 or 3 as I remember it. The People choice takes care of two of the top 3 even if they didn’t name me, you, or us as being amongst the sexiest.

And to it’s credit it doesn’t pretend to have any insight into anything. In the info age we’re in Time and SI don’t have any broad scope of knowledge to dictate importance to anyone. And nobody reads magazines. THey’re like ancient papyrus. The Dead Sea Scrolls. Cave art.
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And speaking of caves I can’t get enough of that Geico caveman dude. He’s just cool. And he’s made me think twice about my past caveist comments. No longer will I compare anyone in the Bush administration to early hominids or say Bush is a troglodyte or looks like like a proto human with those narrowly spaced eyes. That’s just not fair to our hairy ancestors. Thank you Geico for educating as well as entertaining.

Rosie O’Donnel needs to get off Trump’s back over this whole Miss America thing. It’s escalated far beyond that now in the past few days with the back and forth verbal barrage between the two of them all over different talk shows. I’m coming down clearly on the side of the Donald here. Sure he has his faults. But compared to that talentless slug he’s my fracking messiah man.

How dare she suggest The Donald didn’t earn what he has. No Rosie it’s you who didn’t earn it. You’re famous for what? Your’e an unfunny lesbian. You were never funny. You’re less so now. Take away hanging out with Madonna back in the day and being a lesbian and you’re washing bathrooms for a living and no one lets you adopt a kid because you’re pathetic attempts at humor would come off as creepy if you weren’t a celebrity.

She is my Least Talented Person Who For Some Reason Is On TV And Having Her Comments Circulated Around Of The Year.
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Rocky Balboa rules! I think it’s on my top 5 of best movies of 06. Clerks 2 is on there along with V For Vendetta. I still need two more though. Everyone is putting The Departed on their lists but I was disappointed with it. It wasn’t bad at all. But it wasn’t special either. And I think it’s ending was trite and cliched and had nothing to really say that hasn’t been said. I wish i could put The Fountain on here. Maybe I will eventually. It needs another viewing. But it was one of the more memorable things I saw so maybe I’ll give it that 5 slot for now. I’ll list Syriana for now as well.

I think For Your Consideration was the worst thing I saw all year. Now keep in mind I don’t go to many bad movies. I know there was alot worse out there. But of the movies I spent money to see this thing was the worst pile of nasty humorless crap of them all. I love Christopher Guest and his flicks so I was hopeful and looking forward to him taking on Hollywood and award season. BUt nothing about this rang true and it came off as hatefull without any insight.
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The Bauer power hour returns this Sunday.

4 hours as a matter of fact between Sunday and Monday. That’s alot of power. It’s almost too much power in the way Antonio Banderas is too much sexy.

We are not worthy.

Or equipped to stare into the brightness that is Jack Bauer for that long in a short period of time.

Wear shades people.

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Just watched I Trust You To Kill Me. It’s a documentary about a band called Rocky DeLuca and the Burden touring Europe over two weeks led by tour manager Keifer Sutherland. Keifer’s got some issues that came through this thing but it only made me like him more. Even that whole Chistmas Tree thing that’s been all over the internet was forgivable in the face of a man who clearly was doing some soul searching and is just a cool laid back and unaffected guy with some issues.

I bring this up because that Keifer guy looks alot like that Jack Bauer.
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I think as a follow up to that whole deaths of 06 post I’m going to do one for those most likely to die in 07 and those I wish would die this year. Hopefully it will be embraced by people of all persuasions and backgrounds and become a holiday staple.

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Jesus Christ Oprah has had alot of plastic surgery. You ever look at a picture of her 20 years ago? That’s a whole new person there. Was ugly Oprah a philanthropist too? I shouldn’t say ugly. Not nice, I know. But hey we have to be honest about ourselves. I may be black, I may be poor, and I may even be ugly, but lord I’m here. I’m here!

BUt what gets me is Oprah going on and on about the materialism of American school kids and taking the educational fight to Africa instead. While I agree with her premise and think she does alot of good stuff, she’s being a bit of a hypocrite here. I mean she’s part of the machine that sells beauty and superficiality in America.

She gives away credit cards and nice cars, does shows about all the cool expensive stuff she wants to buy or has just brought, has done all that plastic surgery, and is always having experts on in fields aiming at making people look better.

And she said something about wanting these African kids to achieve the dream of more closet space.

I don’t think she was being ironic on purpose.

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Who does that Heather Mills woman think she is dissing Paul McCartney? THis isn’t Kevin Federline honey. THis is the guy who wrote Yesterday, I Want To Hold Your Hand, She Loves You, And I Love Her, and Here, There, And Everywhere. He’s bloody Sir Paul friggin Mccartney baby. He writes great silly love songs and was married to Linda forever. He doesn’t do bad relationships and he doesn’t need you. As for settlements…let’s see… how much of his fortune were you responsible for or did you assist in making in even a moderately helpful way? Hmmmm? Uhhhh, oh I know: NOTHING!

He’s a Beatle and you have one leg. Consider yourself lucky.

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I must make benefit for the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. I must make benefit for the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. I must make benefit for the glorious nation of Kazakhstan.
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I don’t think I’m going to see Apocalypto. The Jews had nothing to do with the collpase of Mayan civilization.

And seriously the movie sounds a bit harsh on Mayans who are one of the most prejudiced against peoples. Some Mayans are complaining. Mel is getting so politically uncorrect I’m wanting to like him again. But Jesus told me he was a dick so I can’t.

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Can’t we get something good out of all these damn cell phone cameras? I have to see stuff like Michael Richards ranting about blacks and crazy Arabs yelling “Muqtada,” at Sadaam before they hang him but I can’t get any footage of Cheney giving it to Satan up the ass? Start using this technology and off the cuff capturing of randomly interesting moments for important things like taking down the government or getting your boss arrested. Those of you sticking these things up women’s skirts are responsible for me feeling superior to people who own cell phones. Losers.

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Hopefully 2006 was the year we can we finally put and end to the 9-11 conspiracy bullshit? It’s been debunked beyond even the debunking of UFO’s or even vaginal trolls. It’s a secular political religion. A non religious form of Intelligent Design theory seeking to find a unifying principle behind all the chaos and meaninglesness of the world. They didn’t take out the towers because Bush wanted them to anymore than they did it because they hate freedom and democracy. THey hate us and Israel and have a decayed culture and religion that has not progressed in millenia as they’ve had to watch infidels get everything on earth they were promised in Heaven.

Duh.

Loose Change and 911Truth people had the psychotic nerve to boycott the Flight 93 movie they don’t think is based on reality. They actually demonstrated in the face of the families of victims attending the screening. Dudes. Face up to it. You’re destroying the credibility of legitimate criticisms of the Bush administration and government as a whole. You’re not helping. Go look for Sasquatch or something.

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Bush is going to announce further escalation in Iraq tonight.

Good to see he’s a man immune from all that New Years resolution crap.

What could go wrong? It’s not like this is yet another step we took in Vietnam being followed up in Iraq right?

Oh yeah it is. Go talk to Robert McNamara George and stop listening to Cheney or god, or whoever keeps telling you to do and say the things you do and say.

You’ve been Punk’d. It’s really Cheney or maybe Ashton Kutcher using the White House intercom pretending to be god. Or Laura’s ass troll.

Seriously how dare these fuckers continue to throw human lives around like pawns on a chessboard. THey are so disconnected from reality and the actual suffering of a class of people that don’t seem as real to them as CEO’s or oil barons. You think if there was a law that said the front line in any way had to be made up of the richest or their children, sort of like back when Lords, Barons, and Generals like Oliver Cromwell actually fought, that we’d be in Iraq at all, much less escalating?

And then these moral perverts go on about how you have to sacrifice in wartime and that no one ever said it was going to be easy.

BUt of course they are lying again because they did promise it would be easy. THey said it would be over in a few weeks and we’d be welcomed. They called those of us predicting quagmire and civil war terrorists. But now their ideology just does not allow them to admit they are wrong or see any other course of action. Like in Vietnam they have to save face, justify the original intent, and committ to the ideological prize that set them on their course. Because people with ideologies can’t change. That’s the problem with believing things too strongly. Americans are sold this bullshit that if a politician changes his mind or is inconsistent like Kerry, that he’s a waffler or weak.

It’s called adaptation. Evolution. Growth. Whatever. It’s about changing your mindset to jibe with the facts on the ground. But when you get ideological zeolots you only get one way of thinking and all contrary facts are ignored or twisted. GIve me a politician who can adjust to reality and knows how to alter course in accordance with new information any day over a guy who believes what he believes and won’t change.

American’s are so stupid.

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Some other quick bests and worsts of 06.

Worst Jesus Abandonment: Ben Rothlesberger. Poor Born again Ben had Jesus help him win an unikely Super Bowl just a year ago and then went out and crashed his cycle, got appendicitis right before opening day, and numerous injuries during the season. Oh what a fickle messiah you are Jesus.

2nd Worst: The Bush Administration. This includes all the Foley’s, preachers like Harding, Delay, and all the rest who used the J man to help them gain power over a stupid populace only to have Jesus expose them for incompetent frauds with no morality whatsoever.

3rd: Mel Gibson. The Passion of the Diss. Nuff said.

Biggest pickup by Jesus: Democrats. Jesus giveth and he taketh away.

2nd: The St Louis Cardinals. It seems Jesus liked that Missourian bible belt faith led by Cards pitcher Jeff Supan who during the playoffs had adds airing in Missouri supporting the incumbent in the midterm elections. In them the mediocre Suppan spoke out against stem cell research as he pitched lights out against my Mets and the Tigers. Way to go Jesus!

3rd: Whoever is dating that Pompei woman from Grey’s Anatomy. That is a blessed man. He’s tied with Patrick Dempsey who after years of oblivion post 80′s bad teen movies in which he played pizza delivery guys who get laid by hot older women (at least it seems this is all he played) is now America’s heartthrob.

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Best music of the year: Pearl Jam’s new album. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers Stadium Arcadium is a double album that actually it pretty good beginning to end. Beck’s The Information is Beck doing a little of everything he does well.

That My Chemical Romance album is a bit overrated. It’s been compared to Queen and Alice Cooper and that 70′s bombastic, full blown larger than life arena sound. Sounds to me like they’re trying to do The Wall and Green Day’s American Idiot and can’t quite muster up to either one. IT’s not all bad. Just not worthy of such hype. Plus I can’t make out more than a few words of it. I could understand Freddie Mercury and Alice Cooper. Alice and I may not have always seen eye to eye. But damnit I could understand him!

I like some of those radio songs being played from The Killers but their making alot of best lists as well and the songs sound like alot of things I’ve heard the past few years and will be forgotten as easily and quickly as those other bands and songs have been.

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Books: Freakonomics was a great and enlightening read. I’m rereading part 1 of Neil Stepehenson’s Barogue cycle called Quicksilver. I’m enjoying it alot more this time. I’m still not up to where I originally left off in this opos, part of 3 that are around 900 pages each. BUt it’s just sticking and a bettter ride this time. I read the first 2 of 4 of Tad Williams Otherland series. Reread the first actually. Not as good as Quicksilver but an entertaining look a plausible cyber future where we live and die, commerce and recreate online.

Al Franken’s latest Truth was good if not quite as funny and biting as his previous Liars….

The Assasins Gate is a nice look at Iraq and the mentality that led up to it.

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Happy Festivus everybody!

Rocky Balboa

Published on January 5, 2007 in ..The Dude, Films, Reviews and The Ill-Literates. 0 Comments

[image:213:l] Who would have thought, or perhaps I should more appropriately say, thunk, that a 6th part in a movie series that started about 30 years ago, could be good. It would take quite the surprise story from quite the underdog to pull that off. So who better than the symbol of overcoming odds, the great underdog representation of my time, Rocky Balboa?

I liked this movie alot more than i could possiblty have had any right to expect. In fact I’m almost tempted to have Rocky 2-5 erased from my memory so I can live in the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind where Rocky and the 6th intallment are almost perfect stand alone films in a series set 3 decades apart.

Rocky 2-3-4 do have thier appeals though and there are some elements in them that contribute to the lore that plays into this movie. And I do get chills at moments in those movies, particularly Rocky II, which I just saw on tv for the first time in many years a couple of weeks ago. I teared up when Adrian comes out of that coma and says “Win, win” and the training montage to the Gonna Fly Now music kicks up. I mean that music makes me want to run long distances in Siberia just to build me some character. But there was a certain comic book element that started taking over as the soap opera of deaths, comas, revenge and larger than life villains took hold. Rocky 5? Well that’s best just not spoken of. Rocky’s Jersey Girl. Rob Schneider’s…well Rob Schneider’s whole career.

But Rocky Balboa is a cut above for it’s story, realism, relatability, and innocence that harken back to the original. Stallone takes alot of ribbing but in Rocky he wrote a great script with alot of real world interaction and weighty dialogue masked as unworldly simpleness. The acting and dialogue are pitch perfect. Don’t mistake the minimilism of it for emptiness as some do who immediately dismiss the Rocky ouvre completely out of hand.

In Rocky Balboa even when Rocky gets deep, importing some old guy wisdom in the new movie, as he does in a couple of speeches (one to licensing board and another to his son), it rings true and seems precisely the kind of wisdom and insight the character would have, spoken just as he should at this point in his life. Rocky has grown with experience but he’s still Rocky, and that comes across. It could have been cheesy, and some may find it so, but I didn’t think so. Maybe it was my mood. I’ve been doing alot of overnights and have been as punchy as Rocky myself. But that was my reaction.

Along with that I had the impression that the first half of this movie was almost perfect with alot of nice little touches relating to early Rocky and setting the tone and scene of current Rocky. It starts with that “Take It Back” song the street group were singing in the original, now being used over the credits as part of the soundtrack. It’s a fitting theme for what is to come and a nice homage to the past. But it’s not about Rocky taking back his title or belts. It’s about passion and finding it again. Taking back what makes you, you. And to a large, if not complete extent, this movie takes back what made Rocky special to begin with both as a character and a movie.

The new Rocky film pedals Rocky as an icon, a shining example of what it takes and the power of the will. In a time of diminished passion and lethargy for not only a widowed and punchy Rocky, but the Boxing industry, and to an extent the decayed city around Rocky, the ex champ and avatar of overcoming odds serves once again as an inspiration for those around him.

And I think that part of the movie works very well.

The movie feels like reality decades later in a town where Rocky is still remembered fondly and considered one of its own. This is despite the fact that things are moving on and the famous statue of Rocky at the top of those steps has been taken down (in real life as well I believe). But Rocky is still ever the blue collar rough gentleman who brings passion and an indomitable will back as he prepares to fight the much younger champ who’s career is lacking in these qualities. The way this was all set up rang as true as such a scenario possibly can, and in a similarly malignant and uninteresting era of Boxing (they all are to me though), it isn’t hard to imagine playing out. It’s not too far off of the George Foreman stuff a few years back. And the simulated match that brings it all on is certainly something we’ve seen alot of the past few years in all sports as great teams of the past have been pitted against those of present. Pretty much every video game comes with the option of playing out such scenarios.

I only wished they had tailored the real fight to fit to those aforementioned themes a little more. That and more Rocky music during the fight, and particularly the moment I was looking for at its end. I don’t want to give it away, though you should know the fight is meant to be somewhat anti-climactic and not at all its means to an end. But I think I can say that the champ, Dixon, isn’t the arch-villain Clubber Lang, Drago, or even the mostly likable Apollo Creed were. Some people have lamented this and chalked it up as a failure of the movie. But I think they’re missing the point. Dixon is a pretty decent, if too modern young man who fans don’t like because he and the world he inhabits are without Rocky’s kind of passion, competitive fire, inner resolve, integrity, and desire to test oneself. In Rocky, Dixon finally gets a test even though it’s billed as an exhibition. [image:214:l] He and the sports world, if not the world at large get another taste of standing toe to toe, taking a beating, and not giving up. I just would have played that part of that lesson in the ring in a different way, as well as have given the fight a bit more of an edge.

There was a somewhat different type of ending I was looking for to best express what I thought was a theme of the movie. But I could be looking for more than Stallone intended, or for something different. Not that the end is bad. Small gripe really. The fight serves as enough of a symbol of other film points quite adequately even if it didn’t give me the release I wanted.

I should detour for a moment to mention the relationship angle and the Marie woman: I have to give Sly credit here too. She’s one of those nice touches from the past that fit rather than are forced into the present. It helps flesh out Rocky’s world without resorting to hollywood formula. I didn’t want to see Rock get laid again. No romance please, I thought when she showed up. And Slallone refrained from going where so many have gone before and he could have gone here. I want to imagine the Rock moving on from Adrian and being happy and all, I dont want him to die alone, but I don’t want to play out the Adrian thing again or have to watch another Rocky romance. Stallone knew that and gives enough of a well structured hint of what might be but wisely presents it as a dim foreshadow for a guy still getting over the death of the woman 2-3 years before who was his inspiration.

As for Rocky’s inspirational qualities, they’re playing out all over the place. His son (whiny exploding boy from Heroes), the son of Marie, and I thought for Dixon and the world around him who stood to get that lesson in old school values and and how to dig deep for something extra, that something in the basement Rocky keeps mentioning to Paulie. His passing on that wellspring of guts and glory, dropping some knowledge and bringing passion back to a world that needs it from the only place it can find it, felt like a core value of the film.

I realize I sound like Harry Knowles here and I am probably overstating it a bit. It’s really not as cornball and full of itself as I make it sound. It’s more subtle than that. And that was something I wasn’t expecting and that I really appreciated. And maybe some movies that connect with our pasts like Rocky or the Star Wars films inspire a certain introspection in the review. They’re a little like that tree that Luke goes into. You take out what you bring in. Maybe I just need to be inspired.

Some might say that even if the movie covers some noble ground why explore it in a Boxing movie? Doesn’t that kind of trivialize any attempt at being more than a road to cheap thrills and being anything more than the traditional Rudy-esque underdog story? But Rocky gets into that with his son. It’s got something to do with fighting being a metaphor for standing toe to toe and taking a beating you know you’re going to get and not running from it. I’m not much of a Boxing fan, and I wouldn’t equate it with Field Of Dreams or The Natural , but Boxing does have it’s own on screen legendary lore played out artistically in movies like Raging Bull and On The Waterfront.

I’m not implying this is on the level of any of those movies but it is surprisingly one of the better movies I’ve seen this year. Surprisingly 2 of my favorites were sequels. This and Clerks II. Who would have thunk it?

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